You & I – 6 (Silverlining)

I: I want to talk to you.

You: Why don’t you?

I: Because after all those, I feel scared of feeling in a certain way which drags me down everytime. You know how I can say many harsh things.

You: Yes, you are ruthless.

I: So, I also don’t want to say something irrational again to shock you more.

You: Good that you care.

I: I know that we all have our own problems in our present and adding more to that and feeling stressed are probably we both can not afford.

You: Then why do you complicate things time after time?

I: Deep down, I still have deep emotion for you, and the many trauma I went through and risked myself with were and are pretty self destructive that I feel like I rather keep them in my safe box.  But still I am the one who ends up saying more on my own terms as I am probably always bad at listening.

You: God, I wish you could listen more.

I: Anyway, I miss you everytime anything resonates with me to realize how deeply I loved and cared about you, even though our expressions are very different.    

You: I miss you too.

I: I was watching this movie “The mountain between us” – it’s about these one male and female who get stuck after a plane crush and eventually survive. He was married and she was about to get married the next day after that plane crash. But they get closer while fighting for their survival. Eventually they came out of the situation falling in love with each other, but still when they came back to the real world from the wild, they could not just get together because they each had their past baggage to carry on, but eventually they get together again, because they truly had love for each other.. or may be the movie just wanted to produce a good ending. And may be, in real life, it’s way more tragic.

You: I understand.

I: I truly see my love story, the way we met, the way we conquered many obstacles, the way I blindly trusted you and the way we demised as the greatest tragedy of my life, even if no one cares.

You: May be you don’t need to see everything so negatively.

I: When I talked to my therapist who in a way saved me from wrecking myself, I described my state like a torn down island after a Tsunami, but I recognized that I have to rebuild again and I probably kind of did succeed in that, but definitely I did not feel at that moment that I will regain my courage to continue as I felt so little.   

You: But we need to learn from the past eventually. And I want to have you as a friend again.

I: YEAH! I want to be your friend, I want to be in a place of strength where your thoughts and you no longer hurt me anymore, rather I can take you as one of the best friends who know certain parts of me more than anyone else.

You: I’d love that. I miss talking to you too.

I: I am pretty sure we are both quite different persons than who we were, may be in many ways unrecognizable. How do you truly feel about me when you think about me or us? Do you think you know me?

You: There’s many things that probably also didn’t change though. But I also think I could revert many things and not hurt you.

I: I know that I could not make you feel the way one wants to feel when one is in love and rather our love turned into boring chores and less exciting day by day and eventually it had to experience the death.

You: I agree.

I: May be, I took many things for granted that I shouldn’t have and I have beaten myself for many years to find answers to what else I could have done. I have spent hours after hours feeling sad, and may be I still can not see the way you see and can move on just saying that it’s the past we can learn from, because those hours of clouds and grief and depression will always have a reach at me.

You: But you need to realize that it wasn’t very easy for me either.

I: It’s me who felt betrayed, even if I didn’t necessarily need to feel that way. 

You: What can I say more as I apologized many times for making things worse..?

I: Yeah, I or we just can not change the past. I also wish I could revert many things, I also want to say sorry for saying many things that’s not true, for doing many things that only pushed each other away, even though I also only intended otherwise, only wanted to bond more. We can only learn from the past, but I’m truly afraid whether I will ever be able to bring anyone as close as I brought you inside my heart.

You: I know that.

I: It just breaks my heart when I think about how our love expired. But there’s definitely thousand things I have to be grateful for the experiences we had. And the things I learnt from our relationship. 

You: True.

I: Like now, I’m lying down writing and thinking – We will just stay in two corners of the world knowing that we once loved each other.

You: If you feel like, we can talk about our memories which are valuable to both of us.

I: I even feel like if I could sit in front of you, I just won’t have to say a single word.

You: Yeah.

I: That itself is meaningful. I truly think love is not easy to find and we were lucky to have it when we were young.

You: I feel the same way.

I: I hope I can find love again and I wish the same for you, because love is beautiful and worth living for. Thank you for the beautiful moments of your life that you shared with me. I truly wanted to have it more, but may be it was just not meant to be. 

You and I – 5

I: I think I am full of superiority complex. I have this condescension and self-righteousness as I can see through. And why won’t I? I feel disgusted when I can see the stupid self-destructive actions people take. Why are people so stupid?

You: It’s an illusion. You come from what you have experienced. You may know certain things more. But you don’t know, can not know everything as you have not experienced everything. You only know your life and you see everything through your lens. You may be right in terms of what is to be done right, but you have no clue why they might not have been understanding what you understand.

I: I hate to fail.

You: It’s ok if you fail now. Accept the failure. It does not mean “You are THE FAILURE”.

I: I hate deadlines.

You: Deadlines are there so that you can enjoy the freedom afterward. Ultimately you are free and there is no rush. But don’t you want to accomplish things in life? If you do, then deadlines are your friends.

I: Is my physical experience that important?

You: Your physical appearance, experience are important. Because your mind lives inside your physical body.

I: Why am I so much bothered by the physical cravings – hunger for food, sex etc? They are killing me.

You: They are your physical needs which need to be dealt with for your mind to keep engaged and flourish. Neglecting them, you will starve yourself and feeling starved your mind will not let you who you can truly become.

I: Aren’t physical appearances just the way to attract other people?

You: Yes, but it depends on how you look. Our reality is that we already live in a society. You won’t be who you are if your parents wouldn’t raise you properly, if your closed ones wouldn’t love and take care of you. However, attracting other people may not be the final goal of life. Therefore, if you are in a place where your physical appearance is harming your mental peace- like if you are fat and feel shame, you are creating a problem for your own self. There are things you can try to reconcile with. You need to think about your priorities – what you really care about. But you need to believe that you can change. You should be able to hope. You are more than your body and your mind. So say when you feel vulnerable “I am not just my body. I am not just my mind either.”

I: What do you think about minimalistic life- making everything simple, possessing few things?

You: It might help you stay away from debt or pay off your debt. Letting redundant things go can save yourself from taking unnecessary burdens Depending on how you do it, it can be adventurous. You can be a digital nomad or an urban nomad. You can travel around, make more friends and have some exciting experiences. But you need to be brave and be ready to be surprised constantly and be prepared for dangerous experiences too.

Image courtesy: http://tiny.cc/rhyd6y

You and I – 4

I: I am thinking about the cycle of life. Imagine a mammoth tree; it starts from a seed planted on earth; then it grows to be a small plant; it gets taller, bigger and wider; it branches out, takes more space, becomes the nest of some birds, provides the shadows to the passersby; but one day after many years it die; it can no longer maintain its life.

You: So is the life of most animals and the human too. Is it not?

I: Yeah. I just realized that a full cycle of life has its peak and its valley. Let’s say when you were born you were in a valley, then you walked, walked, walked all the way up to the peak of a mountain, then you must have to come back to the valley in the other side. What is striking me the most is that it’s not a choice to stay either on the peak or the valley of the landscape. Time is forcing you to move and there is no constancy.

You: We are just experiencers experiencing life.

I: Then why do we attach ourselves too much to anything at all? Like our parents, our house, our babies, our career, our achievements, our this, our that.

You: Because at many moment in life, you have things or relationships which are replaceable and things or relationships which are irreplaceable. You are right that we delude ourselves with many of our assumptions and false expectations. But at the same time we require a certain purpose for us to live and move on the path from the valley to the peak, to the valley again. Many actually never reach the peak, many die on the way to the valley. There is probably no one exact peak either.

I: Life is confusing to me often times. I drive myself to achieve things, to go to places, to desire. I do things to make myself happy. But there are many things that make me unhappy. There are many desires that will never be fulfilled. But if I don’t chase, I will never achieve, right? But the process of chasing is tiring and makes me unhappy. Every rejections, failures break my heart, but when I stand up again, I become stronger. But there is probably no end of this cycle. Just like the day ends with a night and a night ends with a day. Or, a night starts with the end of a day and a day starts with the end of a night. But ultimately I will die one day. So is it that ultimately I just want to remain as happy as possible most of the times. That’s the goal?

You: Well, not a bad goal. Is it?

I: There is so much imperfection in this world. Don’t you think? So much unfairness, so much dirt.

You: Yeah. I guess we are in this mess because everyone is confused. Everyone knows for a fact that he or she is alive, feels pain, doesn’t want to feel pain, wants to be happy, wants to have things, can’t have things because of others, then wants to hurt others. A whole dynamics of give and take in unfair ways. And it’s good that our society is still progressing.

I: Are we really progressing towards a better world? I was reading this book. She is a writer from the past century. But her imagination, her wording, her observation just mesmerized me. I probably have never talked with a woman in the world of today where I live who is as convincing, creative like the author I was reading. But you see.. I guess most people these days don’t read or even write. Even I waste most of my time watching rubbish movies and videos than to explore my mind through reading or writing. It seems to me that all the advent of science and technology are making ourselves duller and duller, less of a human of some sort. We are losing more than we are supposed to gain as a human being. We are experiencing way less than our mind can truly conceive.

You: May be you are right.

I: I was also thinking that the society that we live in today doesn’t really have an incentive system for doing good deeds. We have clear incentive to be successful, to be dominant, but do we really have incentive to be just good persons? I guess it’s hard to establish such. Even though I have bad relationship with religion, I guess religion tried to exactly that- forcing people to do good with the fear of hell and God- that apparently doesn’t work. But in a world of today, does anyone want to be a good person anymore? What does it even mean by goodness?

You: These are hard questions. I wish I had answers. May be nobody has.

 

You and I – 1 : https://experienceandembrace.wordpress.com/2019/01/23/you-and-i/

You and I – 2 : https://experienceandembrace.wordpress.com/2019/01/27/you-and-i-2/ 

You and I – 3: https://experienceandembrace.wordpress.com/2019/01/29/you-and-i-3/ 

You and I – 3

You and I – 1 : https://experienceandembrace.wordpress.com/2019/01/23/you-and-i/

You and I – 2 : https://experienceandembrace.wordpress.com/2019/01/27/you-and-i-2/ 

I: Have you ever lied to me?

You: I think so. But I think some lies might have been necessary.

I: Maybe. But when I know I was lied to, I feel differently towards those words I were told.

You: Well, feelings are weird creatures within. Aren’t they? How much do you think you understand how you feel. Rationale, on the other hand, gives you a way of reviewing them. If you see the utility of those lies, you might forgive me. Not that I care.

I: So, you are saying I needed to be in the delusion that very moment. Because you presupposed that I can’t handle the truth. That’s too much of an arrogance I would say.

You: You caught the asshole. But again I did it for what I felt right to do at that moment.

I: Well, acknowledge that you may have done a big mistake with your rational thoughts, your bag of ill-conceived ideas of me and my abilities.

You: I will have to think. Just calm down.

I: Okay. How do you stop craving something?

You: Depends on what you crave I guess. What do you crave?

I: I crave to recreate one memory. It’s this one time – I was with the girl I loved. It was in her apartment. She just came on top of me. I undressed her on the top and I kissed her breasts and she was holding my head. She was full of pleasure but she was calm like she was wanting it more and more. I have been with other girls after that, even probably tried to recreate with my feelings of guilt. But I no longer could, I never could feel the same way. I felt like I need her to recreate it, but I know it’s not possible. Maybe even with her. It’s probably will never be possible again. But I can’t stop craving. And every time I fail to recreate, I feel miserable.

You: It’s a memory you hold very dear to yourself. You know that you can’t recreate it so you will have to compartmentalize it. Somehow.. you will have to do it. Cravings are good. Just don’t let them kill you. You have seen the movie inception, right? Leonardo De Caprio’s wife Mal haunts him in his dreams. She is in his subconscious and he gets back to her through the elevator where she resides. Maybe because he can’t forgive himself. Nor is he willing to let the memories evaporate. He confines her, thus he gets himself confined even more ruthlessly. Do you think you might be doing the same?

I: Not intentionally as far as I can say. I started to realize that my desires are my enemies.

You: Because you can’t befriend them for some reasons. But that’s dreadful. You will have to be friends with them.

I: I see the futility in the harmony that you are asking me to have. Maybe I love chaos. Maybe that’s where I thrive.

You: It’s a choice ultimately. That’s just what I want you to know.

(to be continued ..)

You and I – 2

You and I – 1 : https://experienceandembrace.wordpress.com/2019/01/23/you-and-i/

I: It’s snowing outside.

You: Yeah, it’s beautiful how everything is covered.

I: What do you think about “Deja Vu”?

You: Like you feel that it happened before?

I: Yeah, it’s been happening to me quite a lot. And it makes me feel bored.

You: But, does that matter though? What’s wrong with experiencing it again? Is the desire to constantly be in a new situation the best for our psyche?

I: I don’t know. That’s what everybody is up to. Isn’t it? New is exciting- they say.

You: That’s the problem I think. If you can’t perceive every moment as new, rather always perceive it as a reincarnated old, then you are just living inside your mind too much, circling and ultimately destined to diminish into a point of meaninglessness.

I: You are right. Every moment is a new one. It’s a perception issue, but the issue is real. The boredom is inevitably there to drown.

You: Well, then you recognized it.

I: But it doesn’t help though.

You: Maybe it will. Hope is necessary.

I: You want to play with snow?

You: Sure. As you know, you will really be playing with yourself.

I: I have seen some beautiful pictures of places. I really want to go visit them when I can.

You: Nice. What kind?

I: Mostly beautiful natural places. Most of the time there are some beautiful people waving or walking or doing something. It’s just refreshing to see. I guess it will be great to be there for real breathing the air near the ocean, over the mountain, through the valley, highways.

You: Yeah, escaping creates the euphoria. Maybe for good.

I: I know.

You: You remember that you wanted to know about love?

I: Yes. What about it?

You: Do you think there’s an ocean of love or a sky of love?

I: I will choose air over water. Just a preference. I don’t know how to swim.

You: You don’t know how to fly either. At least you can learn to swim.

I: You see, you are too pragmatic. In my imagination, I want to fly. I don’t crave to dive into the water.

You: Right you are! You want things that you can not have. Just saying..

I: Good. Now I am pissed.

You: Haha. Like you always are.

(to be continued ..)

You and I

I: I like that you like to live in the moment.

You: We are always living in a moment. What do you mean? You think you are not living in the moment?

I: True. But what I mean is that if I am doing things now for something that I expect to happen in a future moment, am I living in the moment? I am bit confused.

You: Of course you are still living in the moment. But you probably don’t feel like living in the moment.

I: But if I am not feeling to be living in the moment, am I truly living in the moment? Isn’t there a distinction between fact and fiction? Or is it that everything is fiction?

You: It can be that everything is a fiction.

I: No, our reality, the world outside us might not be a fiction. Pain might not be a fiction. Death might not be a fiction. I am not sure about pleasure though. Pleasures can be fictitious. I don’t know.. You seem to be living in the moment whereas I can’t really claim it like that. Or I should say I don’t feel to claim it like that. I tend to feel that I know what is ahead of me. At least I can have a good prediction of that based on my prior experience. But I am relying on my thinking mind and my collected knowledge and my instinct.

You: But don’t you ever wonder to start your day like you are a newborn baby?

I: I actually do.

You: Have you asked yourself why you have that desire to be reborn? Is it because you are burdened with your past?

I: It can be. But I’d say it’s not as simple as that.

You: I saw an episode of Black Mirror the other day. One thing kind of struck me. They were saying that memory is a way to trigger you to get back to your past to change your path. I have never thought it that way?

I: In a way it’s true. Especially if you are taking an action based on your memory. Isn’t it?

(to be continued ..)