Bag of Emotions

I feel like I am a bag of emotions. This emotional roller coaster is not something that I dislike, but sometimes I just get confused about myself. Because I don’t know why I should be feeling what I am feeling. I start it new, then it gets old too soon. I know that I can pinpoint the root of each branch of my gigantic emotional tree, but some leaves just outgrow and outgrow and make me feel like I have nothing to say about my own journey. But why do I even feel to say? So, I let them grow, but then I feel boggled. I feel scared unnecessarily. I know the origin of fear, I know the outcome of fear, I know the future of fear, but still, the fear is there which is redundant. I know it’s all about being an open door through which things will pass. The moment you try to catch, you yourself are caught. I doubt my feelings all the time, maybe I just couldn’t find a better word than doubt here. Maybe a better way to say is that I want to judge my feelings, but then that’s probably not a good idea? Then why do I do it after knowing this is something I can’t comprehend. Maybe I didn’t learn anything so far, maybe it will be like this forever, and I will have to just go through, pass through, write through and dig through every morning like I am doing.  It’s like having self within self within self and ad infinitum. I know that I can not choose and pick just the ones I like. But the desire to stay unsullied, remain on a path is probably a struggle as there are so many paths to choose.

All I did is just I walked. I started from my home and I walked to the coffee shop, then I walked again and I reached the destination. But these few minutes my mind has roamed the entire universe of my emotional tree. It’s like reflecting a zillion of light all at once towards me, but all I wanted is to just walk without feeling anything. All I hoped that I would just bathe in the sunshine of the morning and my mind will just not let me do that. And I know why, and I know everything. But as I tell myself always knowing doesn’t help and in fact trap me more. So, I scream like Led Zeppelin, that you can not hold me find my stairway to heaven. And I will create new rules and then I will be chained under my own jail again. And I live.

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Adversity can be blessing

Adversity is not always bad. In fact, adversity or lack of something provoke you to come up with some useful solution. If everything you need is right at your reach, it may feel comfortable but I am telling you that it’s delusional to think that state as a sustainable one. It’s not a stable situation where you don’t feel the lag or emptiness. It’s probably only an utopian state where you get everything ready, prepared, arranged or organized around you. So, the lack of something, the emptiness may bother us, frustrate us, bring anxiety to our psyche but then those same feelings force us to do something, do something to fill the gap or the void. And sometimes we may turn out to be really creative that can impress our own selves. Innovation at its heart depends on the desire to solve an issue, a problem and being passionate or motivated towards implementing those solutions. And when we have absence of something we truly want; the shortage, the scarcity of the elements, materials or instruments; the unavailability or deficit of the required things turn on our discoverer us to flow, move, interact, look and experiment. It’s not always alright to have vertical structure, sometimes we need to inspect horizontally. Going deeper and deeper may sometimes make us at a loss when we need to look widely. One important thing adversity tells us that you can solve anything you want with only the things that you have at hand. Focus on the things that you have and carefully examine, investigate whether there’s a possible scenario to create. When you are smart, adversity is blessing in disguise. I realize more now the words of Steve Jobs

Stay hungry. Stay foolish.