Bag of Emotions

I feel like I am a bag of emotions. This emotional roller coaster is not something that I dislike, but sometimes I just get confused about myself. Because I don’t know why I should be feeling what I am feeling. I start it new, then it gets old too soon. I know that I can pinpoint the root of each branch of my gigantic emotional tree, but some leaves just outgrow and outgrow and make me feel like I have nothing to say about my own journey. But why do I even feel to say? So, I let them grow, but then I feel boggled. I feel scared unnecessarily. I know the origin of fear, I know the outcome of fear, I know the future of fear, but still, the fear is there which is redundant. I know it’s all about being an open door through which things will pass. The moment you try to catch, you yourself are caught. I doubt my feelings all the time, maybe I just couldn’t find a better word than doubt here. Maybe a better way to say is that I want to judge my feelings, but then that’s probably not a good idea? Then why do I do it after knowing this is something I can’t comprehend. Maybe I didn’t learn anything so far, maybe it will be like this forever, and I will have to just go through, pass through, write through and dig through every morning like I am doing.  It’s like having self within self within self and ad infinitum. I know that I can not choose and pick just the ones I like. But the desire to stay unsullied, remain on a path is probably a struggle as there are so many paths to choose.

All I did is just I walked. I started from my home and I walked to the coffee shop, then I walked again and I reached the destination. But these few minutes my mind has roamed the entire universe of my emotional tree. It’s like reflecting a zillion of light all at once towards me, but all I wanted is to just walk without feeling anything. All I hoped that I would just bathe in the sunshine of the morning and my mind will just not let me do that. And I know why, and I know everything. But as I tell myself always knowing doesn’t help and in fact trap me more. So, I scream like Led Zeppelin, that you can not hold me find my stairway to heaven. And I will create new rules and then I will be chained under my own jail again. And I live.

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Realizing The Illusion

It’s not that difficult to see how illusory everything is. If self itself is an illusion, then everything created by that self is also an illusion. Ego! It’s an identity created by all the neural connectivity the brain experiences over time with the physical body participating in all the real events it had in its scope in its lifetime. If the physical self wouldn’t experience certain things, wouldn’t have participated in specific life events, the experiences of the brain would be different and so is the ego and so is the self. So, I, as a whole, is just one of the billions of others I could have become. But I am too attached to my own identity. Everyone is. And one can argue that for the style of life in a communal society, you don’t have much choice. If everyday when you wake up, you could start a new you wanting to erase all the past you, you wouldn’t be accepted. Not that you need to care! But.. again.. If you wear costume and change your outlook every morning so that no one can identify you, then you don’t exist in the eyes of others. But you do exist. But the problem is you start questioning your own existence. Because you are confused with multiple identities in yourself and so the others around you give you the perspective about what you mostly are. At least in general sense. I am not saying that it’s not possible to identify yourself without other human minds and their opinions. You may not need another human being, but you need this world, the air, the sky where you are contained to feel your existence. That means you understand yourself from an external towards an internal process, not an internal towards an external process. I will argue the later is almost impossible. Let me elucidate – When you are sleeping at night, if you are not dreaming or at least if you don’t recall dreaming, you are breathing, everything outside you is still going on, somebody is drinking, somebody is writing song or poetry, somebody is fucking hard or moaning or screaming, somebody is crying, somebody is laughing his ass off, somebody is just looking at the night sky, but you are not experiencing those, you are just not a part of those stories, so those don’t add anything to yourself, for you those are unreal, so your reality is only constructed when you are conscious about what’s going on. That’s why you can not feel your existence when you are unaware. That means all these going on surrounding you give you the perspective of your own existence. Anyway, I digress. Realizing that everything is relative can help us not to attach too much to certain things. Pain, dissatisfaction can be very hard to deal with. It’s because we feel extreme attachment with those memories. We feel like our selves have been wounded, damaged by those experiences, by those failures. Joy, satisfaction are also similar. One can argue that if you don’t have such attachment, then you will feel neither joy nor sadness. And that’s entirely true. You need some attachment to feel. I never said that the illusion is not important. The illusion is important for you to feel, for you to be a human being. But you don’t need to disagree with the fact that it’s an illusion. You, again, just sometimes need to realize that these are illusion. At least it helps when you are crippled with something inside your mind and sometimes when your own self, your own ego hurts you. And may be when you are against your self. You may question – then what’s the point? Where is the value of yourself? What’s the purpose? I don’t know the most philosophically accepted answer. But for me, you need those for you to continue, for you to be a productive member of your community. You just need to keep going till you expire. So, you can come up with your own answers. You can take answers from those who pondered a lot on those. Or you can be totally oblivious about all these questions and keep on living, eating, shitting and fucking and if you are smart, making some contribution so that others can keep on doing those a little bit longer than they would if you wouldn’t give a shit. Well, is this a pessimistic view about life? May be it is! I could do some euphemism and could come up with some optimistic one. That I often do. Optimism sometimes helps, pessimism sometimes helps. Hey! You need both calmness and anger. All you need just to go on. May be some options are better because they are less chaotic. But this time, let it be this way. If your surrounding, whatever achievements, whatsoever human connections, your religion, your ideology  can answer your questions, help you to keep walking and persevering, then have them. But some are false, some are half false, some are true and you should not burden with your realization on someone else. And importantly again, realize that it’s all illusion and keep on acting.