You & I – 6 (Silverlining)

I: I want to talk to you.

You: Why don’t you?

I: Because after all those, I feel scared of feeling in a certain way which drags me down everytime. You know how I can say many harsh things.

You: Yes, you are ruthless.

I: So, I also don’t want to say something irrational again to shock you more.

You: Good that you care.

I: I know that we all have our own problems in our present and adding more to that and feeling stressed are probably we both can not afford.

You: Then why do you complicate things time after time?

I: Deep down, I still have deep emotion for you, and the many trauma I went through and risked myself with were and are pretty self destructive that I feel like I rather keep them in my safe box.  But still I am the one who ends up saying more on my own terms as I am probably always bad at listening.

You: God, I wish you could listen more.

I: Anyway, I miss you everytime anything resonates with me to realize how deeply I loved and cared about you, even though our expressions are very different.    

You: I miss you too.

I: I was watching this movie “The mountain between us” – it’s about these one male and female who get stuck after a plane crush and eventually survive. He was married and she was about to get married the next day after that plane crash. But they get closer while fighting for their survival. Eventually they came out of the situation falling in love with each other, but still when they came back to the real world from the wild, they could not just get together because they each had their past baggage to carry on, but eventually they get together again, because they truly had love for each other.. or may be the movie just wanted to produce a good ending. And may be, in real life, it’s way more tragic.

You: I understand.

I: I truly see my love story, the way we met, the way we conquered many obstacles, the way I blindly trusted you and the way we demised as the greatest tragedy of my life, even if no one cares.

You: May be you don’t need to see everything so negatively.

I: When I talked to my therapist who in a way saved me from wrecking myself, I described my state like a torn down island after a Tsunami, but I recognized that I have to rebuild again and I probably kind of did succeed in that, but definitely I did not feel at that moment that I will regain my courage to continue as I felt so little.   

You: But we need to learn from the past eventually. And I want to have you as a friend again.

I: YEAH! I want to be your friend, I want to be in a place of strength where your thoughts and you no longer hurt me anymore, rather I can take you as one of the best friends who know certain parts of me more than anyone else.

You: I’d love that. I miss talking to you too.

I: I am pretty sure we are both quite different persons than who we were, may be in many ways unrecognizable. How do you truly feel about me when you think about me or us? Do you think you know me?

You: There’s many things that probably also didn’t change though. But I also think I could revert many things and not hurt you.

I: I know that I could not make you feel the way one wants to feel when one is in love and rather our love turned into boring chores and less exciting day by day and eventually it had to experience the death.

You: I agree.

I: May be, I took many things for granted that I shouldn’t have and I have beaten myself for many years to find answers to what else I could have done. I have spent hours after hours feeling sad, and may be I still can not see the way you see and can move on just saying that it’s the past we can learn from, because those hours of clouds and grief and depression will always have a reach at me.

You: But you need to realize that it wasn’t very easy for me either.

I: It’s me who felt betrayed, even if I didn’t necessarily need to feel that way. 

You: What can I say more as I apologized many times for making things worse..?

I: Yeah, I or we just can not change the past. I also wish I could revert many things, I also want to say sorry for saying many things that’s not true, for doing many things that only pushed each other away, even though I also only intended otherwise, only wanted to bond more. We can only learn from the past, but I’m truly afraid whether I will ever be able to bring anyone as close as I brought you inside my heart.

You: I know that.

I: It just breaks my heart when I think about how our love expired. But there’s definitely thousand things I have to be grateful for the experiences we had. And the things I learnt from our relationship. 

You: True.

I: Like now, I’m lying down writing and thinking – We will just stay in two corners of the world knowing that we once loved each other.

You: If you feel like, we can talk about our memories which are valuable to both of us.

I: I even feel like if I could sit in front of you, I just won’t have to say a single word.

You: Yeah.

I: That itself is meaningful. I truly think love is not easy to find and we were lucky to have it when we were young.

You: I feel the same way.

I: I hope I can find love again and I wish the same for you, because love is beautiful and worth living for. Thank you for the beautiful moments of your life that you shared with me. I truly wanted to have it more, but may be it was just not meant to be. 

I miss you

I miss you. But there’s a part of my mind fights back saying “Why should I?” But I genuinely miss you. I miss those afternoons when I would go walk through the aisles of the grocery stores and you telling me the things to put in the shopping carts. I miss those mornings going out running leaving you in bed and thinking that you will be waiting for me and fantasizing about some sweaty sexy moments. I miss driving miles after miles feeling exhausted in one end, but feeling exalted with the thought that someone is cooking for me. I miss walking down the streets after watching shows in some theater halls.  I miss getting annoyed by you when you would make me walk through all the stores in the shopping mall. I miss staying up late all night watching silly stuff. I miss writing poetry for you. I miss you planning for our trips. I miss you being mad at me. I miss waking up and seeing your face. I miss ruminating your smile. I miss planning for our future. I feel sad that nothing of us except the memories really exist. But as you said life is and should be like this.. for long I just wanted to hold onto. As they say life is like being a shore and experiencing the sunny and stormy days. I wish I could get back my sunny insignificant days. But I feel tormented when I realize I can not go back in time. I hope to have some in future but I feel exhausted because nothing feels like as it used to. But I still hope that I will probably wake up feeling new again and can forgive and can remain calm and poised forever thereafter.

I miss you. I feel to talk to you. But I know I should not complicate more. I know I can not build up expectations anymore. I went through those stages of denial, anger, bargain. I am still in the stage of depression that feels like forever. I want to believe that I accepted what felt to be betrayal. I know I can not explain you why it couldn’t be easier. I know I messed up, I know it’s probably me who wasn’t enough. It was unbelievably unfathomable to not want you the way I used to. I know why you had to leave, I know why I had to stay away. In many ways, that’s probably what should have happened with the things that we started to want from our lives. I am happy that you now have so many experiences that may be you would never have otherwise. But it hurts to think that I would never be able to know how it would feel like if we were still waking up together. I accept that every end is a new beginning, but the heart still hurts to accept the end that was never desirable. But it ended. But I do really miss you. There are many questions you will never be able to answer me honestly, because you will have to protect yourself, justify yourself. And I understand that and may be same go with me too. But I hope that we can both be happy in our separate paths.

Where do you get your protein?

Where do you get your protein as a vegan/vegeterian if you are not eating meat? The most common question I get, even from my BS, BEng, PhD, MD and MBA friends who have studied books after books their entire life and knows how to google the most rare information out of internet..!!
 
Answer: We get protein from the best natural source, actually we get the protein where the cows and chickens get their protein from.
 
This is how it goes.. the flow of protein to your body.
 
Cows, chickens eat grains etc. —> Protein converts into amino acid –> Muscles are built from the amino acid in the body of the cow, chicken etc. —> You murder yourself in the name of God or whatsoever or be part of the cruel process starting from the butchershop/farms to the grocery store to acquire meat etc..!! —> You then cook and eat cow, chicken etc. or buy food in the restaurant —> You get protein.
 
Feel glad that it took these many years to know how you get your muscles and muscular energy!!!!>>>>?????
 
“In a cow’s diet, protein comes from crops like soybeans and the seed of cotton plants..”
 
Conclusion: You eat meat because you like to eat meat, you have been indoctrinated, addicted to meat. It’s deeply cultural, it’s deeply inside our habits and rituals. And it’s very hard to unhook yourself. May be you also don’t know much about nutrition. However, most vegans/vegeterians are vegans not because they care about their own health, they care not to kill something that contains life and can have an eye contact with you and feel fear and cry in pain. Yes, you are selfish when you eat meat, because you think you are at the top of the food chain, because you compare yourself with a lion or a tiger who would kill you if they would get you in the wild and so many other vague arguments without acknowledging that you are evolved to be a rational, moral human being who can criticize his or her own action if necessary. May be you haven’t thought about your own cruelty towards living beings, just like the war mongers don’t actively think about the suffering of hundreds of human beings when they shoot a bomb or launch a missile, but you are part of it everyday, but you don’t have to be. So, yes, human being are cruel, there’s a fight for dominance, you need to be strong and strong survives, but I hope we can change the world from such a scary hierarchical society to a much more co-operative society where love and compassion are harnessed. So, we are talking about change here, we are thinking about moral and ethical evolution as vegans. It’s not just about stop eating meat and end of story. Sorry, many vegans also don’t understand and vouch many non-convincing reasons. Also, importantly, just being a vegan doesn’t automatically make you a better human being, you can be shittiest person in many things that matter and you should be thinking of.
 
Anyway, You can live healthy, happy and as energetic, as mascular by not being part of killing an animal. You also don’t have to bring God again to justify your superiority.. And I do understand how much you love the taste of meat, I hope we will have to wait another 10 years to get cultured artificial meat, so that you can be satisfied.
Is cell-cultured meat ready for the mainstream?
 
What’s the function of carbohydrate, protein and fat really?
Carbs: Broken down into glucose, used to supply energy to cells. Extra is stored in the liver.
 
Protein: Broken down into amino acids, used to build muscle and to make other proteins that are essential for the body to function.
 
Fat: Broken down into fatty acids to make cell linings and hormones. Extra is stored in fat cells
 
Vitamin: Veggies etc.
 
Yes, someday, vegan food makes me feel tired. Because we consume less calory in general, which keeps our weight checked. But it mostly happens, when I am not planning my meals/foods properly, or eating unhealthy. You can eat unhealthy either as a vegan or meat-eater. I can just live on potato chips and stay vegan which is in no way healthy, just like someone can eat McDonalds burger and fast food and grizzy meat everyday. So, being vegan also forces you to think about your meal and nutrition in it.
 
It’s not radical to not kill something that feels pain. You must have to be radical to believe that vegans/vegetarians are radicals to express their concern towards our immoral acts for centuries, towards our indirect or direct cruelty possibly three times a day. We understand that forcing morality onto someone, making someone do something forcibly is also moral. So, we try to speak up with the hope that you will probably understand and one day will take that step to do the right thing and we will progress one inch to a world where there’s one more compassionate human being.
 
How to build muscles on vegan diet:
 
And yes, I am using strong words, to make you think ;), as the rap God Eminem said,
“People will hate you for speaking the truth, but you’ve gotta learn to stand up to them, so don’t be offended if I say something you don’t like.”
 
Read more:
 

I was in Love

I am little heart broken last two days. And I guess like many of you, I go back to those songs we can relate. I was watching the movie “Eat, Pray, Love”. It was enjoyable to watch, but at the same time I despised it as I read the book first. One line I love from the book that I loved seeing two characters play on the screen though. It goes like this ““Sometimes to lose balance for love, is part of living a balanced life.””

I have been trying to be productive in the morning. But then got hooked with this Japanese song.

Kagerou by One OK Rock. Yay! I can still read Kanjis… 🙂

君を思う気持ちはカゲロウ, 伝えられず僕は漂う..
(kimi wo omou kimochi wa KAGEROU, tsutaerarezu boku wa tadayou…)
I will float/scatter my feelings when I remember you, instead of telling
ふと気づくと僕はここに立っていた
(futo kidzuku to boku wa koko ni tatteita)
When realization hit me suddenly, I was standing here
抱くはずのない気持ちを片手に
(idaku hazu no nai kimochi wo katate ni)
Feelings, I had no intention of embracing, was in my one hand
巻き戻してみたらこの思いは見えるかな
(makimodoshite mitara kono omoi wa mieru kana?)
Could I see my affection if I tried to rewind?
早送りしたらこの感情は残るのかな
(hayaokuri shitara kono kanjou wa nokoru no kana?)
I wonder if it’ll stay if I fast-forwarded
そんなワケないって笑ってみるけど
(sonna WAKE nai tte waratte miru kedo)
“Yeah, right,” I try to say with a laugh
その笑いすらもう不自然で
(sono warai sura mou fushizen de)
But even my smile looked artificial/fake
君を思う気持ちはカゲロウ
(kimi wo omou kimochi wa KAGEROU)
My feelings for you sparkle in my thoughts
まだ自分に素直になれない
(mada jibun ni sunao ni narenai)
I can’t be honest with myself yet
本当はもう気付いているのに
(hontou wa mou kidzuiteiru no ni)
Even though I’ve realized the truth
ただ言葉にできない自分がうずいているの!
(tada kotoba ni dekinai jibun ga uzuiteiru no!)
The tingling sensation in myself that can’t still express my feelings in words
意識すればするほど遠のいていく
(ishiki sureba suru hodo toonoiteiku)
I’ll fade away if I’m too aware
それが淋しいのは何でだろう?
(sore ga sabishii no wa nande darou?)
Why does that seem so lonely?
別にって態度で話流したり
(betsu ni tte taido de hanashi nagashitari)
Why do my words spilling out with a “whatever” attitude
いつもより何故か冷たくして…
(itsumo yori nazeka tsumetaku shite…)
Make them colder than usual?
君を思う気持ちはカゲロウ
(kimi wo omou kimochi wa KAGEROU)
My feelings for you float in my thoughts
まだ自分に素直になれない
(mada jibun ni sunao ni narenai)
I can’t be honest with myself yet
本当はもう気付いているのに
(hontou wa mou kidzuiteiru no ni)
Even though I’ve realized the truth
ただ言葉にできない自分がいるだけなの
(tada kotoba ni dekinai jibun ga iru dake na no!)
I’m still just here with the words I can’t get out
何気ない仕草でも目だけは君だけを追っていた
(nanigenai shigusa demo me dake wa kimi dake wo otteita)
Maybe I was nonchalant, but you’re the only one my eyes were chasing
なんて考えた時はもう好きだった 君と会うと決めた日は
どれだけ自分を隠しただろう?
(nante kangaeta toki wa mou suki datta kimi to au to kimeta hi wa dore dake jibun wo kakushita darou?
When I think about the day we met when you still liked me, how much did you hide yourself?)
嫌われるのが恐くてって考えた時には愛してた
(kirawareru no ga kowakute… tte kangaeta toki ni wa aishiteta)
When I thought how much I was scared of being hated, I knew I was in love
愛してた
I was in love
愛してた
I was in love

Source: https://sites.google.com/site/takasrock/kagerou

#NowPlaying
https://open.spotify.com/album/5vG1nA5IR7bIv9mfhjGKNd…

We will have to save our world

 

This kid is telling us, adults with brains, about climate change because we apparently forgot how to think and shut our eyes to see ! And then when I listen to those adults denying climate change, my jaw drops; specially those big fat ones in the parliaments of various countries, from even specifically including the self-proclaimed world police withdrawing from the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change. Most parents are raising their kids; most adults are basically hating their jobs, in coming days probably won’t even find jobs; some adults are trying to invent every form of entertainment so that they can escape the reality – it seems like everybody already deluded each other believing that we are going to live in the same world that we were born somehow. We are living in the fourth but the biggest technological revolution- the internet, the social media, the money revolution, the artificial intelligence, mars exploration in one hand, on the other hand the decimation and destruction of our own planet and atmosphere by our own greed. Parents have no idea that the schools, colleges they send their kids probably won’t help their kids find any jobs as the way Google, Amazon are developing Artificial Intelligence and the automation is taking away jobs from human hands and our schools have no clue about future but to teach the same books they taught our grandparents, and then on our lands on which we build our homes, probably the most habitable lands, will no longer be available in most areas due to natural hazards resulted by climate change. Countries are still trying to steal oil from each other, fossil fuel industries are still lobbying so that they can make some extra dollars by going against green renewable alternatives, rainforests are being destroyed so that the overpopulated earth can eat more and more; but then when the cyclones and tsunamis will rise from the ocean, when the earthquakes will just decimate acres of lands, displace millions of people and force them to migrate and cause wars and battles as our vague nationalism and capitalistic self-cyclic greed are just making us more selfish and self-righteous and less compassionate day by day; when the melted ice and glaciers and the consequent sea level will just level everything within few decades; I don’t know where will all these entertainment politics and mudslinging and worrying about the smallest little things, fighting over the silliest topic on the outdated television channels will go. To be pessimistic, may be, the nature will just blow up the earth with all our interesting circus inside; just like a cruel boy uses his cruel lazy feet to destroy an ant colony that those small, little, hard working ants have built little by little, after sweating for days and nights. To be optimistic, I guess, we will have like some child genius activist like this school kid who will motivate all of us to do the right thing, to take the actions necessary, to start loving our planet, to enjoy living together peacefully with all the other species. I don’t want to live with horrors, rather I want to live in a world full of optimism and energy and with the sense that I am working towards making the world better than the world I was born. I was not aware before because I didn’t have the information, I didn’t know how our world is shaping into a nightmare because of climate change. This little kid talks about how she doesn’t want to be a climate scientist to discover another issues for the future that will not exist because of what we are doing now and now and now. We can change and we will have to change. She shows how we can change, how we can take actions to save our mother earth for our own selves. And it starts by understanding what we have done wrong, and how we can do right- like may be, we should reduce burning fossil fuels, may be we should not elect politicians who are ignorant about climate change, artificial intelligence, may we should start using electric cars to try to reduce the emission of carbon dioxide, may be we should start using renewable energy sources, so that the new renewable energy companies can florish, may be we should be vocal against industrial farming so that the greenlands, forests, rainforests don’t get destroyed, may we should take care of our ecological niches, may be we should go vegetarian or vegan so that we consume less animal products, which will reduce industrial farming which is a significant cause behind greenhouse gas emission, may be we should rethink about other kind of jobs which can employ people who are dependent on the jobs that again are destructive towards our planet. We should live in the world of today and enjoy it in a way so that the world can florish. May be, we should learn to love our world. Please educate yourself about climate change.

You and I – 3

You and I – 1 : https://experienceandembrace.wordpress.com/2019/01/23/you-and-i/

You and I – 2 : https://experienceandembrace.wordpress.com/2019/01/27/you-and-i-2/ 

I: Have you ever lied to me?

You: I think so. But I think some lies might have been necessary.

I: Maybe. But when I know I was lied to, I feel differently towards those words I were told.

You: Well, feelings are weird creatures within. Aren’t they? How much do you think you understand how you feel. Rationale, on the other hand, gives you a way of reviewing them. If you see the utility of those lies, you might forgive me. Not that I care.

I: So, you are saying I needed to be in the delusion that very moment. Because you presupposed that I can’t handle the truth. That’s too much of an arrogance I would say.

You: You caught the asshole. But again I did it for what I felt right to do at that moment.

I: Well, acknowledge that you may have done a big mistake with your rational thoughts, your bag of ill-conceived ideas of me and my abilities.

You: I will have to think. Just calm down.

I: Okay. How do you stop craving something?

You: Depends on what you crave I guess. What do you crave?

I: I crave to recreate one memory. It’s this one time – I was with the girl I loved. It was in her apartment. She just came on top of me. I undressed her on the top and I kissed her breasts and she was holding my head. She was full of pleasure but she was calm like she was wanting it more and more. I have been with other girls after that, even probably tried to recreate with my feelings of guilt. But I no longer could, I never could feel the same way. I felt like I need her to recreate it, but I know it’s not possible. Maybe even with her. It’s probably will never be possible again. But I can’t stop craving. And every time I fail to recreate, I feel miserable.

You: It’s a memory you hold very dear to yourself. You know that you can’t recreate it so you will have to compartmentalize it. Somehow.. you will have to do it. Cravings are good. Just don’t let them kill you. You have seen the movie inception, right? Leonardo De Caprio’s wife Mal haunts him in his dreams. She is in his subconscious and he gets back to her through the elevator where she resides. Maybe because he can’t forgive himself. Nor is he willing to let the memories evaporate. He confines her, thus he gets himself confined even more ruthlessly. Do you think you might be doing the same?

I: Not intentionally as far as I can say. I started to realize that my desires are my enemies.

You: Because you can’t befriend them for some reasons. But that’s dreadful. You will have to be friends with them.

I: I see the futility in the harmony that you are asking me to have. Maybe I love chaos. Maybe that’s where I thrive.

You: It’s a choice ultimately. That’s just what I want you to know.

(to be continued ..)

Again the word throwing with a cutiebeuaty on why you should not cause pain !!

My diet is 90% veggies… No plans to reduce meat consumption anymore than this…

Nov 9, 2018
 Reply  

AnandaKhan  replied Nov 9, 2018 

Why not? If we personally feel horrible to kill something in our own hands and then process and eat, may be we should not cause the pain in the first place in a living sentient being for the pleasure in our mouth. We probably don’t need to breed something that we then subject to cruelty. Probably we are just indoctrinated since our childhood with the lure of taste of meat in a meat culture, just like a baby becomes indoctrinated in a religious home. And why all the greens of the earth need to be processed through these three primary animals (chicken, cow, goat) as intermediaries to provide nutrient where as you can derive that directly from the earth and plants. And why taking the moral responsibility if you can think that way? And why being part of environmental destruction in the process? If we can reduce 90%, we can 100%. And if we absolutely can’t get away from this indoctrination, there exists artificial meat to consume which more and more in time will taste exactly the real ones. Hope you get what I am saying.

Cutiebeauty  replied Nov 9, 2018  

@AnandaKhan I’ve butchered and slaughtered my own before. I have no problem with it… I’m doing my part by eating 10% meat. If everyone did this it would be a bigger impact than me going 100% veggie. When I do eat meat its usually chicken and fish. And the only reason I eat mostly veggies is because I like veggies.

AnandaKhan  replied Nov 9, 2018

@Cutiebeauty Well, that means you very well know the pain in those “you butchered and slaughtered” and the fear in their eyes and the groaning came out of their bodies when you performed the act. I guess you didn’t care as you have experienced others doing it while you grew up and your desire for the flesh is much more important for you than the pain you are causing. Anyway, if such pain and suffering in sentient being can’t stop you doing what you are doing, all argument of mine will probably fail. Noone can butcher and slaughter their beloved dog to acquire flesh which probably means we can only butcher and slaughter ones we don’t love. So, I guess human being has a limited circle of compassion and love and they butchered and slaughtered many other human beings for their own selfish reasons in the past; again I guess they didn’t love them, in fact hated them. I hope someday people can expand their circle of compassion and love even more. We already made progress and may be we can make even more progress and keep all sentient beings in our circle of compassion and love. So, I will stop but I will just urge to think and read more. Thank you.

Source: http://www.agnostic.com

Drink me

As if that obviousness wasn’t enough!

From far, it still looked like a shadow,

Some doubts thus still lingered,

On your lips there’s no answer yet.

Couldn’t those moments be bit more expressive?

If those clouds wouldn’t hide anything!

What more there to be naked?

It can’t be more both calm and restless and therefore inviting.

Let’s not let it be dry,

‘Coz you can always catch and stop time.

Or you can choose to fly like a butterfly often with no intention.

To lose can’t be a sin.

We’d rather embrace and sweat with our yearnings.

This mystery and you, here I breathe,

A little inception in the now is what I only long for.

The deep urge of this urgency can be welcomed.

Then take a shower in the drops of uneasiness.

And curl me inside with your legs.

More incidents will not precipitate more love.

It’s impossible to find discontinuity with an open eye.

And I won’t stop drinking you.

 

Image source: Google images.

Road to somewhere

Then when it was dark beneath the clouds,
I waited; waited for the moon to be visible.
The unavailable me thus misses the interpretation –
That the mere reflection of light doesn’t really matter.
If it’s all-encompassing and over-arching,
If there’s truly no end of those seemingly finite curves,
What to wait for!

 

Within the reach of the firm grip love lies.
But that’s another free fall towards the infinity.
If you want to be cloaked by your desire’s blanket,
The cold winter will never stop.

 

Then when it was bright and glowing,
I was running through the corridors with your hands in mine.
But there were no ways to abstract from the particulars.
All the general notions can blend into  meaninglessness.
But the vanishing nothingness melds into your lips,
As the passion can never be absent or cease to exist.
So then a romantic interlude.