The point

“What is the point of it all?” It’s kind of an ironic question, it’s a foolish question.

Herbert Fingarette (20 January 1921 – 2 November 2018) was an American philosopher and emeritus professor of philosophy at the University of California, Santa Barbara who once argued that there was no reason to fear death. At 97, his own mortality began to haunt him, and he had to rethink everything.

We have invented so many things like the big G, like those pursuit of happiness as nothing can fill the void this question creates. This is where the utility of belief in afterlife comes into action, because all of a sudden, if you believe in a rewarding or punishing after life, then a believer’s meaning of life is to optimize his or her chance of getting reward instead of getting punishment. Suddenly life has a goal! What a great invention! What a great utility of fictions!

But I guess we make a mistake when we connect these two notions: “(a) There’s no point of life if I am eventually going to die” to —> “(b) Then there’s no point of doing anything to enjoy my moments and try to make my future moments”.

Yes, “You are going to die if you jump off that bridge”. Yes, “you are going to lose your mind a bit after you finish that whiskey or do drugs”. Yes, “you are going to piss off your mom or your friends if you become the same annoying and judgmental you are.”

So, the next moments do depend on what you do in this moment. Therefore, it is possible to ensure your next moments to be pleasurable or insufferable.
But yet, if we look back, we realize we made most of our moments to be insufferable. We acknowledge most of it seem to be outside of our hands.
But should that be the reason to give up, ay?

And is striving to live life better and challenging your own self and realigning therefore the pursuit?

Of course, there are many points in experiencing and creating our moments like getting that first job, falling in love, reminiscing that last goodbye, sending letters of love, protesting against injustice.

But most of points are ultimately only valid for yourself, not for anyone or anything else. Only you can value your moment after all. You are the only judge of yourself after all.

Death lets you identify the value of life. Life is the day and death is the night, in the long run. We are just a fly in the ocean of time and you only live in the NOW, not an waking moment before, not an waking moment later. But you can create a heaven or a hell with the way you think about your moments.

A life of roaming

“I was never going to go if I was waiting for someone to come with me” – Laura.

It’s time again soon for me to plan and move to a different city and I already started fearing a new life and missing my friends. And I have been reminiscing.

Every time I move, I lose my friends and some of them are really close. It’s hard to stay away from family too sometimes. It has been taking a great toll on me losing people from life, missing people and things I once cared and still care a lot. However, life really forces you to change a lot sometimes. But with every move, there are many surprising positive things that I eventually get, for example, new friends.

Ultimately, it’s the human relationship, which linger the most, whereas, some relationships get broken with many woes. I was reading few blog posts linked below on the merits/demerits of digital nomad life and just thought about my past.

If I observe my life path, I have been a semi-nomad all my teen/adult life. This last 6 years (2014-2020) was probably the longest time I have lived in two adjacent cities for my graduate education in my ’20s, but even in this scenario, I have changed apartments/house every year. First two years (2014-2015), I frequently visited my ex girlfriend in Urbana Champaign, then (2014-2016) I lived in Lafayette, whereas since 2017 up until 2020, I lived near Purdue campus in West Lafayette. And last summer (2019 May – 2019 Aug), I lived in Silicon valley and explored the central part of the west coast in California. But when I was in Japan (2008-2014), I lived in a city at most 3 years, 1 year(2008) in Tokyo, 3 years(2009-2012) in Shikoku, (2012-2014) in Osaka, 2014 in Tokyo again. Now, even if I look further back into my life in Bangladesh, I was born in Rangpur, Bangladesh, but then my parents moved in to Ulipur, Bangladesh (~1988 – 1994 ish) where both sides of my grandparents have our country homes, then my family moved to a slightly larger northern city Rangpur (where I was born) again and I studied 10 years (1994 – 2004) for my primary and junior level schooling. After that I moved to the capital Dhaka, Bangladesh by myself leaving my parents and had my high school there from (2004-2007) and started my college in 2008 for a semester right before leaving for Japan. And of course, even in these years from 1995-2007, I changed home almost every year.

It seems to me, I have a true desire to move and roam. However, up until recently, I haven’t really realized these facts of my own life very closely. Now that I can realize, I am questioning some of the future ideas that I have. Can I ever settle somewhere, with someone? Should I ? Will I? Sometimes I feel like I am incapable of settling down as I love the idea of fluid life. But I also don’t want to have a set idea of life for mine either where everything is predictable. So, may be, it’s better to just acknowledge that I just don’t know about my future and I will never know concretely beyond just a map of ideas and dreams for an ever changing future yet to come.

Last summer I didn’t have a home and I constantly moved between airbnb, hotels, car camping. And I have been thinking whether I should go on full digital nomad mode. But as I can see there are many challenges of that. But have I ever feared challenges and risks? For me, I always craved adventures !

I believe I am not alone in this way of floating in the current of the web-like river of our lives in our society in each country on this planet in this universe. And I wish I could keep more snapshots of my life as one day it will end with all my memories inside my head.

Gosh, I have so much yet to experience and embrace! I hope not to lose track of time. And I wish I could find the less to be more.

#life #memories #travel #nomad #backpacker

https://blog.tortugabackpacks.com/realities-digital-nomad-…/
https://abackpackerstale.com/
https://piktochart.com/…/unglamorous-facts-digital-nomad-l…/

You and I – 3

You and I – 1 : https://experienceandembrace.wordpress.com/2019/01/23/you-and-i/

You and I – 2 : https://experienceandembrace.wordpress.com/2019/01/27/you-and-i-2/ 

I: Have you ever lied to me?

You: I think so. But I think some lies might have been necessary.

I: Maybe. But when I know I was lied to, I feel differently towards those words I were told.

You: Well, feelings are weird creatures within. Aren’t they? How much do you think you understand how you feel. Rationale, on the other hand, gives you a way of reviewing them. If you see the utility of those lies, you might forgive me. Not that I care.

I: So, you are saying I needed to be in the delusion that very moment. Because you presupposed that I can’t handle the truth. That’s too much of an arrogance I would say.

You: You caught the asshole. But again I did it for what I felt right to do at that moment.

I: Well, acknowledge that you may have done a big mistake with your rational thoughts, your bag of ill-conceived ideas of me and my abilities.

You: I will have to think. Just calm down.

I: Okay. How do you stop craving something?

You: Depends on what you crave I guess. What do you crave?

I: I crave to recreate one memory. It’s this one time – I was with the girl I loved. It was in her apartment. She just came on top of me. I undressed her on the top and I kissed her breasts and she was holding my head. She was full of pleasure but she was calm like she was wanting it more and more. I have been with other girls after that, even probably tried to recreate with my feelings of guilt. But I no longer could, I never could feel the same way. I felt like I need her to recreate it, but I know it’s not possible. Maybe even with her. It’s probably will never be possible again. But I can’t stop craving. And every time I fail to recreate, I feel miserable.

You: It’s a memory you hold very dear to yourself. You know that you can’t recreate it so you will have to compartmentalize it. Somehow.. you will have to do it. Cravings are good. Just don’t let them kill you. You have seen the movie inception, right? Leonardo De Caprio’s wife Mal haunts him in his dreams. She is in his subconscious and he gets back to her through the elevator where she resides. Maybe because he can’t forgive himself. Nor is he willing to let the memories evaporate. He confines her, thus he gets himself confined even more ruthlessly. Do you think you might be doing the same?

I: Not intentionally as far as I can say. I started to realize that my desires are my enemies.

You: Because you can’t befriend them for some reasons. But that’s dreadful. You will have to be friends with them.

I: I see the futility in the harmony that you are asking me to have. Maybe I love chaos. Maybe that’s where I thrive.

You: It’s a choice ultimately. That’s just what I want you to know.

(to be continued ..)

You and I – 2

You and I – 1 : https://experienceandembrace.wordpress.com/2019/01/23/you-and-i/

I: It’s snowing outside.

You: Yeah, it’s beautiful how everything is covered.

I: What do you think about “Deja Vu”?

You: Like you feel that it happened before?

I: Yeah, it’s been happening to me quite a lot. And it makes me feel bored.

You: But, does that matter though? What’s wrong with experiencing it again? Is the desire to constantly be in a new situation the best for our psyche?

I: I don’t know. That’s what everybody is up to. Isn’t it? New is exciting- they say.

You: That’s the problem I think. If you can’t perceive every moment as new, rather always perceive it as a reincarnated old, then you are just living inside your mind too much, circling and ultimately destined to diminish into a point of meaninglessness.

I: You are right. Every moment is a new one. It’s a perception issue, but the issue is real. The boredom is inevitably there to drown.

You: Well, then you recognized it.

I: But it doesn’t help though.

You: Maybe it will. Hope is necessary.

I: You want to play with snow?

You: Sure. As you know, you will really be playing with yourself.

I: I have seen some beautiful pictures of places. I really want to go visit them when I can.

You: Nice. What kind?

I: Mostly beautiful natural places. Most of the time there are some beautiful people waving or walking or doing something. It’s just refreshing to see. I guess it will be great to be there for real breathing the air near the ocean, over the mountain, through the valley, highways.

You: Yeah, escaping creates the euphoria. Maybe for good.

I: I know.

You: You remember that you wanted to know about love?

I: Yes. What about it?

You: Do you think there’s an ocean of love or a sky of love?

I: I will choose air over water. Just a preference. I don’t know how to swim.

You: You don’t know how to fly either. At least you can learn to swim.

I: You see, you are too pragmatic. In my imagination, I want to fly. I don’t crave to dive into the water.

You: Right you are! You want things that you can not have. Just saying..

I: Good. Now I am pissed.

You: Haha. Like you always are.

(to be continued ..)

You and I

I: I like that you like to live in the moment.

You: We are always living in a moment. What do you mean? You think you are not living in the moment?

I: True. But what I mean is that if I am doing things now for something that I expect to happen in a future moment, am I living in the moment? I am bit confused.

You: Of course you are still living in the moment. But you probably don’t feel like living in the moment.

I: But if I am not feeling to be living in the moment, am I truly living in the moment? Isn’t there a distinction between fact and fiction? Or is it that everything is fiction?

You: It can be that everything is a fiction.

I: No, our reality, the world outside us might not be a fiction. Pain might not be a fiction. Death might not be a fiction. I am not sure about pleasure though. Pleasures can be fictitious. I don’t know.. You seem to be living in the moment whereas I can’t really claim it like that. Or I should say I don’t feel to claim it like that. I tend to feel that I know what is ahead of me. At least I can have a good prediction of that based on my prior experience. But I am relying on my thinking mind and my collected knowledge and my instinct.

You: But don’t you ever wonder to start your day like you are a newborn baby?

I: I actually do.

You: Have you asked yourself why you have that desire to be reborn? Is it because you are burdened with your past?

I: It can be. But I’d say it’s not as simple as that.

You: I saw an episode of Black Mirror the other day. One thing kind of struck me. They were saying that memory is a way to trigger you to get back to your past to change your path. I have never thought it that way?

I: In a way it’s true. Especially if you are taking an action based on your memory. Isn’t it?

(to be continued ..)

All you need is to just live

Every waking moment, we are experiencing. It is so obvious but it still takes a little stepping back to recognize. When I am conscious, my consciousness is filled with thoughts of various colors. We are all so colorful inside if we can assign a different color to each of the different emotion that we experience. We don’t feel the same way and that’s what makes the difference; because each of us had different experiences through our senses in a unique path in the environment. It’s like different colored, different sized bubbles in an open shared space. Each of us is like a bubble that expands, that pops. Bubbles collide with each other, merge, crash. It’s constantly changing. As long as the mind is active, it continues to interpret in its own way. In the physical world, we need a few requirements to survive. But on top of our physical reality, we created the emotional reality that we don’t really understand properly. All the accumulated genetic, environmental memories imprinted in our bodies and minds may be a little too much to grasp all at once. But ultimately all of it make who I am, who you are, who they are. It doesn’t require to understand every single thing to live, just like it doesn’t require to notice every single object on a road to navigate through the road. There are no ends of knowing. So, the quest of knowing ultimately becomes narrow based on what you are seeking for.

I just realize every day how integral love is to our existence. This intense emotion that we receive the moment we are born from our mother, we never stop seeking it. Of course in our own way, we have our own understanding of what love means to us. You probably have all heard about Freud. Basically, all he is saying is that the portion of our conscious mind that we are in control of or we think we control is just the tip of the iceberg. There’s a huge hidden body under the surface of the water that is invisible. The unconscious mind is that huge hidden body that constructs the emotional network inside us, that in turn make us feel in a certain way in a certain moment and make us do actions. Because it is quite unfathomable, we remain a mystery to our own selves. And I guess we would probably not enjoy knowing everything either. But the seeking to dig deeper, get wetter with our emotional fuel should be welcomed.

Desire. The desire to be loved, desire to be seen, desire to be respected, desire to be visible, the constant changes in our desires. Where do all these desires come from? Sometimes I ask whether I can live without desires. Maybe I could if I didn’t have a physical body which wants food, sex, cravings to be touched, longings to be exhibited in a preferential way. Who am I talking to right now? Is there a listener within me that I am talking to, is there a reader within me I am writing to? I recognize all these entities need not be isolated. Maybe they are all one constructing the self that I can recognize and call “me”. Or maybe not as I can’t really explain all the unconscious processes inside me.

My problems are very simple to understand. I need food, I need sex, I need love. And that’s why I work. But I am uncomfortable when I don’t get them the way I want. But it’s so easy to see why I can never get them the way I want. And when I realize that my problems vanish. But sometimes I am just blind, and sometimes I am just stubborn and try not to see.

About 30 years. So many days I have lived. Why does it need to be so complex to live the next day? It’s not that different after all. It is just not complex at all. All you need is to just live.0001464_just-live

A bit of thinking in the crossing

So I was crossing the road. I was in this side. And the guy was in the other side. It wasn’t a crowdy crossing. At that very moment no car was passing by. But the “walk” sign was still not showing up. There were two, three more passers by just came to the other side of the crossing. I decided to cross the road and the other guy decided not to as he was waiting for the “walk” sign. I broke the traffic rule. But it’s trivial as most will deem to be done as you can’t see any car within hundreds of feets chasing towards the crossing. The passers by who just reached also followed me and we crossed. But the guy was still waiting for the “walk” sign to show up. I’m pretty sure the thought of crossing road has passed through his mind too. But he was adament to not break the rule. Even when the people behind him left him behind, he didn’t move. I wasn’t sure whether it was me or the people from his side made him more determined to not cross the road. If there weren’t people from his side crossing with me, would he attempt to cross after I finished crossing? Was it that he just couldn’t cross the road after me because he already has shown the others that he is following rules and now if he breaks the rule, it makes his prior abidance of the rule questioned. Is it the observer effect of some sort? Then I thought a lot of other social scenarios where you probably would break the rule if there weren’t any to observe you. Or is it that the guy was just lazy and cautious and that’s what we are expected to do and I have just plenty of time to think.. Rules are there for a reason. I feel grey.

In search of meaning or not?

Birth was not a choice, but living life should be and is a choice. There is no inherent one meaning for life, just because there is no one way of living life. Your meaning of life should adhere to your way of living life. However, the space where our lives are contained is a shared space. Therefore, we create some rules to abide by so that our distinct subjectivities don’t collide up to the point that we crush (which unfortunately is happening). The ordinary monkey way of living has evolved in such a way that we let these rules rule our inner selves so much that we can’t find our inner selves anymore and everything feels like a burden. Life feels meaningless. Think about it.. when you were a child, you were mindlessly roaming everywhere, probably was not giving a damn about the meaning of life. Then why do you give so much damn about meaning now? Because we are just bored, everything feels the same, we can’t change things, we feel helpless, we can’t create, we don’t know where we are heading, it all looks like a fog. But I can argue that if you can start thinking like a baby again, you will see you would feel differently. But I know it’s not easy. Time is a forward-moving trajectory. So, if you choose to live, it’s probably better to live the way your mind and body is in a union which then generate joy and fulfillment. There are some known facts from past experiences, scientific discoveries through neuroscience, yogic science, what can lead to the betterment of health and mind that we can follow to live longer and happier. Even though your body shares a lot of genetic memory, your mind already inherited a lot of baggage from the past, it’s probably always better to believe in the fluid nature of mind that can change and strive towards bringing good for you and others. And if you definitely need a meaning for yourself to move forward, just create one. I believe in taking the full responsibility for this life I am carrying.

Immortal

I gave them the gun,

And they dropped me dead.

My eyes were wide and open

To see the void of affection in their face.

The short interval between

The triggering and the bullet reaching my heart

Cut all the ties and kill everything vague;

Between that very moment

And all that is rest.

 

I wonder how easy it is to be swept away

from the brightness to the jungle of nothingness.

Time is a puzzle that I still can’t solve.

It comes, it swerves, it slides;

It twists and then it vanishes

From my inside and out.

 

I remember those wild nights

That made me brave;

Just when the bullet was touching me

To drop me dead.

I realized only then my fate,

But I’ll live forever

In the air and in the ears

I can bet.

 

 

Picture source: Immortal Knight by Rassouli from http://www.avatarfinearts.com/Rassouli-Gallery/Surrealism-Art/Symbolic-Surrealist-painting-of-Knights-on-Horse.html

Bag of Emotions

I feel like I am a bag of emotions. This emotional roller coaster is not something that I dislike, but sometimes I just get confused about myself. Because I don’t know why I should be feeling what I am feeling. I start it new, then it gets old too soon. I know that I can pinpoint the root of each branch of my gigantic emotional tree, but some leaves just outgrow and outgrow and make me feel like I have nothing to say about my own journey. But why do I even feel to say? So, I let them grow, but then I feel boggled. I feel scared unnecessarily. I know the origin of fear, I know the outcome of fear, I know the future of fear, but still, the fear is there which is redundant. I know it’s all about being an open door through which things will pass. The moment you try to catch, you yourself are caught. I doubt my feelings all the time, maybe I just couldn’t find a better word than doubt here. Maybe a better way to say is that I want to judge my feelings, but then that’s probably not a good idea? Then why do I do it after knowing this is something I can’t comprehend. Maybe I didn’t learn anything so far, maybe it will be like this forever, and I will have to just go through, pass through, write through and dig through every morning like I am doing.  It’s like having self within self within self and ad infinitum. I know that I can not choose and pick just the ones I like. But the desire to stay unsullied, remain on a path is probably a struggle as there are so many paths to choose.

All I did is just I walked. I started from my home and I walked to the coffee shop, then I walked again and I reached the destination. But these few minutes my mind has roamed the entire universe of my emotional tree. It’s like reflecting a zillion of light all at once towards me, but all I wanted is to just walk without feeling anything. All I hoped that I would just bathe in the sunshine of the morning and my mind will just not let me do that. And I know why, and I know everything. But as I tell myself always knowing doesn’t help and in fact trap me more. So, I scream like Led Zeppelin, that you can not hold me find my stairway to heaven. And I will create new rules and then I will be chained under my own jail again. And I live.