You and I – 3

You and I – 1 : https://experienceandembrace.wordpress.com/2019/01/23/you-and-i/

You and I – 2 : https://experienceandembrace.wordpress.com/2019/01/27/you-and-i-2/ 

I: Have you ever lied to me?

You: I think so. But I think some lies might have been necessary.

I: Maybe. But when I know I was lied to, I feel differently towards those words I were told.

You: Well, feelings are weird creatures within. Aren’t they? How much do you think you understand how you feel. Rationale, on the other hand, gives you a way of reviewing them. If you see the utility of those lies, you might forgive me. Not that I care.

I: So, you are saying I needed to be in the delusion that very moment. Because you presupposed that I can’t handle the truth. That’s too much of an arrogance I would say.

You: You caught the asshole. But again I did it for what I felt right to do at that moment.

I: Well, acknowledge that you may have done a big mistake with your rational thoughts, your bag of ill-conceived ideas of me and my abilities.

You: I will have to think. Just calm down.

I: Okay. How do you stop craving something?

You: Depends on what you crave I guess. What do you crave?

I: I crave to recreate one memory. It’s this one time – I was with the girl I loved. It was in her apartment. She just came on top of me. I undressed her on the top and I kissed her breasts and she was holding my head. She was full of pleasure but she was calm like she was wanting it more and more. I have been with other girls after that, even probably tried to recreate with my feelings of guilt. But I no longer could, I never could feel the same way. I felt like I need her to recreate it, but I know it’s not possible. Maybe even with her. It’s probably will never be possible again. But I can’t stop craving. And every time I fail to recreate, I feel miserable.

You: It’s a memory you hold very dear to yourself. You know that you can’t recreate it so you will have to compartmentalize it. Somehow.. you will have to do it. Cravings are good. Just don’t let them kill you. You have seen the movie inception, right? Leonardo De Caprio’s wife Mal haunts him in his dreams. She is in his subconscious and he gets back to her through the elevator where she resides. Maybe because he can’t forgive himself. Nor is he willing to let the memories evaporate. He confines her, thus he gets himself confined even more ruthlessly. Do you think you might be doing the same?

I: Not intentionally as far as I can say. I started to realize that my desires are my enemies.

You: Because you can’t befriend them for some reasons. But that’s dreadful. You will have to be friends with them.

I: I see the futility in the harmony that you are asking me to have. Maybe I love chaos. Maybe that’s where I thrive.

You: It’s a choice ultimately. That’s just what I want you to know.

(to be continued ..)

You and I – 2

You and I – 1 : https://experienceandembrace.wordpress.com/2019/01/23/you-and-i/

I: It’s snowing outside.

You: Yeah, it’s beautiful how everything is covered.

I: What do you think about “Deja Vu”?

You: Like you feel that it happened before?

I: Yeah, it’s been happening to me quite a lot. And it makes me feel bored.

You: But, does that matter though? What’s wrong with experiencing it again? Is the desire to constantly be in a new situation the best for our psyche?

I: I don’t know. That’s what everybody is up to. Isn’t it? New is exciting- they say.

You: That’s the problem I think. If you can’t perceive every moment as new, rather always perceive it as a reincarnated old, then you are just living inside your mind too much, circling and ultimately destined to diminish into a point of meaninglessness.

I: You are right. Every moment is a new one. It’s a perception issue, but the issue is real. The boredom is inevitably there to drown.

You: Well, then you recognized it.

I: But it doesn’t help though.

You: Maybe it will. Hope is necessary.

I: You want to play with snow?

You: Sure. As you know, you will really be playing with yourself.

I: I have seen some beautiful pictures of places. I really want to go visit them when I can.

You: Nice. What kind?

I: Mostly beautiful natural places. Most of the time there are some beautiful people waving or walking or doing something. It’s just refreshing to see. I guess it will be great to be there for real breathing the air near the ocean, over the mountain, through the valley, highways.

You: Yeah, escaping creates the euphoria. Maybe for good.

I: I know.

You: You remember that you wanted to know about love?

I: Yes. What about it?

You: Do you think there’s an ocean of love or a sky of love?

I: I will choose air over water. Just a preference. I don’t know how to swim.

You: You don’t know how to fly either. At least you can learn to swim.

I: You see, you are too pragmatic. In my imagination, I want to fly. I don’t crave to dive into the water.

You: Right you are! You want things that you can not have. Just saying..

I: Good. Now I am pissed.

You: Haha. Like you always are.

(to be continued ..)

You and I

I: I like that you like to live in the moment.

You: We are always living in a moment. What do you mean? You think you are not living in the moment?

I: True. But what I mean is that if I am doing things now for something that I expect to happen in a future moment, am I living in the moment? I am bit confused.

You: Of course you are still living in the moment. But you probably don’t feel like living in the moment.

I: But if I am not feeling to be living in the moment, am I truly living in the moment? Isn’t there a distinction between fact and fiction? Or is it that everything is fiction?

You: It can be that everything is a fiction.

I: No, our reality, the world outside us might not be a fiction. Pain might not be a fiction. Death might not be a fiction. I am not sure about pleasure though. Pleasures can be fictitious. I don’t know.. You seem to be living in the moment whereas I can’t really claim it like that. Or I should say I don’t feel to claim it like that. I tend to feel that I know what is ahead of me. At least I can have a good prediction of that based on my prior experience. But I am relying on my thinking mind and my collected knowledge and my instinct.

You: But don’t you ever wonder to start your day like you are a newborn baby?

I: I actually do.

You: Have you asked yourself why you have that desire to be reborn? Is it because you are burdened with your past?

I: It can be. But I’d say it’s not as simple as that.

You: I saw an episode of Black Mirror the other day. One thing kind of struck me. They were saying that memory is a way to trigger you to get back to your past to change your path. I have never thought it that way?

I: In a way it’s true. Especially if you are taking an action based on your memory. Isn’t it?

(to be continued ..)

All you need is to just live

Every waking moment, we are experiencing. It is so obvious but it still takes a little stepping back to recognize. When I am conscious, my consciousness is filled with thoughts of various colors. We are all so colorful inside if we can assign a different color to each of the different emotion that we experience. We don’t feel the same way and that’s what makes the difference; because each of us had different experiences through our senses in a unique path in the environment. It’s like different colored, different sized bubbles in an open shared space. Each of us is like a bubble that expands, that pops. Bubbles collide with each other, merge, crash. It’s constantly changing. As long as the mind is active, it continues to interpret in its own way. In the physical world, we need a few requirements to survive. But on top of our physical reality, we created the emotional reality that we don’t really understand properly. All the accumulated genetic, environmental memories imprinted in our bodies and minds may be a little too much to grasp all at once. But ultimately all of it make who I am, who you are, who they are. It doesn’t require to understand every single thing to live, just like it doesn’t require to notice every single object on a road to navigate through the road. There are no ends of knowing. So, the quest of knowing ultimately becomes narrow based on what you are seeking for.

I just realize every day how integral love is to our existence. This intense emotion that we receive the moment we are born from our mother, we never stop seeking it. Of course in our own way, we have our own understanding of what love means to us. You probably have all heard about Freud. Basically, all he is saying is that the portion of our conscious mind that we are in control of or we think we control is just the tip of the iceberg. There’s a huge hidden body under the surface of the water that is invisible. The unconscious mind is that huge hidden body that constructs the emotional network inside us, that in turn make us feel in a certain way in a certain moment and make us do actions. Because it is quite unfathomable, we remain a mystery to our own selves. And I guess we would probably not enjoy knowing everything either. But the seeking to dig deeper, get wetter with our emotional fuel should be welcomed.

Desire. The desire to be loved, desire to be seen, desire to be respected, desire to be visible, the constant changes in our desires. Where do all these desires come from? Sometimes I ask whether I can live without desires. Maybe I could if I didn’t have a physical body which wants food, sex, cravings to be touched, longings to be exhibited in a preferential way. Who am I talking to right now? Is there a listener within me that I am talking to, is there a reader within me I am writing to? I recognize all these entities need not be isolated. Maybe they are all one constructing the self that I can recognize and call “me”. Or maybe not as I can’t really explain all the unconscious processes inside me.

My problems are very simple to understand. I need food, I need sex, I need love. And that’s why I work. But I am uncomfortable when I don’t get them the way I want. But it’s so easy to see why I can never get them the way I want. And when I realize that my problems vanish. But sometimes I am just blind, and sometimes I am just stubborn and try not to see.

About 30 years. So many days I have lived. Why does it need to be so complex to live the next day? It’s not that different after all. It is just not complex at all. All you need is to just live.0001464_just-live

A bit of thinking in the crossing

So I was crossing the road. I was in this side. And the guy was in the other side. It wasn’t a crowdy crossing. At that very moment no car was passing by. But the “walk” sign was still not showing up. There were two, three more passers by just came to the other side of the crossing. I decided to cross the road and the other guy decided not to as he was waiting for the “walk” sign. I broke the traffic rule. But it’s trivial as most will deem to be done as you can’t see any car within hundreds of feets chasing towards the crossing. The passers by who just reached also followed me and we crossed. But the guy was still waiting for the “walk” sign to show up. I’m pretty sure the thought of crossing road has passed through his mind too. But he was adament to not break the rule. Even when the people behind him left him behind, he didn’t move. I wasn’t sure whether it was me or the people from his side made him more determined to not cross the road. If there weren’t people from his side crossing with me, would he attempt to cross after I finished crossing? Was it that he just couldn’t cross the road after me because he already has shown the others that he is following rules and now if he breaks the rule, it makes his prior abidance of the rule questioned. Is it the observer effect of some sort? Then I thought a lot of other social scenarios where you probably would break the rule if there weren’t any to observe you. Or is it that the guy was just lazy and cautious and that’s what we are expected to do and I have just plenty of time to think.. Rules are there for a reason. I feel grey.

In search of meaning or not?

Birth was not a choice, but living life should be and is a choice. There is no inherent one meaning for life, just because there is no one way of living life. Your meaning of life should adhere to your way of living life. However, the space where our lives are contained is a shared space. Therefore, we create some rules to abide by so that our distinct subjectivities don’t collide up to the point that we crush (which unfortunately is happening). The ordinary monkey way of living has evolved in such a way that we let these rules rule our inner selves so much that we can’t find our inner selves anymore and everything feels like a burden. Life feels meaningless. Think about it.. when you were a child, you were mindlessly roaming everywhere, probably was not giving a damn about the meaning of life. Then why do you give so much damn about meaning now? Because we are just bored, everything feels the same, we can’t change things, we feel helpless, we can’t create, we don’t know where we are heading, it all looks like a fog. But I can argue that if you can start thinking like a baby again, you will see you would feel differently. But I know it’s not easy. Time is a forward-moving trajectory. So, if you choose to live, it’s probably better to live the way your mind and body is in a union which then generate joy and fulfillment. There are some known facts from past experiences, scientific discoveries through neuroscience, yogic science, what can lead to the betterment of health and mind that we can follow to live longer and happier. Even though your body shares a lot of genetic memory, your mind already inherited a lot of baggage from the past, it’s probably always better to believe in the fluid nature of mind that can change and strive towards bringing good for you and others. And if you definitely need a meaning for yourself to move forward, just create one. I believe in taking the full responsibility for this life I am carrying.

Immortal

I gave them the gun,

And they dropped me dead.

My eyes were wide and open

To see the void of affection in their face.

The short interval between

The triggering and the bullet reaching my heart

Cut all the ties and kill everything vague;

Between that very moment

And all that is rest.

 

I wonder how easy it is to be swept away

from the brightness to the jungle of nothingness.

Time is a puzzle that I still can’t solve.

It comes, it swerves, it slides;

It twists and then it vanishes

From my inside and out.

 

I remember those wild nights

That made me brave;

Just when the bullet was touching me

To drop me dead.

I realized only then my fate,

But I’ll live forever

In the air and in the ears

I can bet.

 

 

Picture source: Immortal Knight by Rassouli from http://www.avatarfinearts.com/Rassouli-Gallery/Surrealism-Art/Symbolic-Surrealist-painting-of-Knights-on-Horse.html

Bag of Emotions

I feel like I am a bag of emotions. This emotional roller coaster is not something that I dislike, but sometimes I just get confused about myself. Because I don’t know why I should be feeling what I am feeling. I start it new, then it gets old too soon. I know that I can pinpoint the root of each branch of my gigantic emotional tree, but some leaves just outgrow and outgrow and make me feel like I have nothing to say about my own journey. But why do I even feel to say? So, I let them grow, but then I feel boggled. I feel scared unnecessarily. I know the origin of fear, I know the outcome of fear, I know the future of fear, but still, the fear is there which is redundant. I know it’s all about being an open door through which things will pass. The moment you try to catch, you yourself are caught. I doubt my feelings all the time, maybe I just couldn’t find a better word than doubt here. Maybe a better way to say is that I want to judge my feelings, but then that’s probably not a good idea? Then why do I do it after knowing this is something I can’t comprehend. Maybe I didn’t learn anything so far, maybe it will be like this forever, and I will have to just go through, pass through, write through and dig through every morning like I am doing.  It’s like having self within self within self and ad infinitum. I know that I can not choose and pick just the ones I like. But the desire to stay unsullied, remain on a path is probably a struggle as there are so many paths to choose.

All I did is just I walked. I started from my home and I walked to the coffee shop, then I walked again and I reached the destination. But these few minutes my mind has roamed the entire universe of my emotional tree. It’s like reflecting a zillion of light all at once towards me, but all I wanted is to just walk without feeling anything. All I hoped that I would just bathe in the sunshine of the morning and my mind will just not let me do that. And I know why, and I know everything. But as I tell myself always knowing doesn’t help and in fact trap me more. So, I scream like Led Zeppelin, that you can not hold me find my stairway to heaven. And I will create new rules and then I will be chained under my own jail again. And I live.

Some thoughts and conversations on Veganism

I had some heated conversation over this Earthling Ed video. Just sharing my thoughts.

Just imagine(not necessarily hypothetical), one day an intelligent and superior alien species conquer the earth and enslave all human being. And a 25 year old Alien who loves human meat says “I wish a perfectly cooked human flesh and human tongue and liver wasn’t so delicious. I know they feel when we throw them on the slaughter house but ooh.. I cant stop having pleasure from eating my delicious food. Yummy.” This is why morality is objective. You try to approach a scenario by putting your ownself in there. The assumption that you are superior and thus you can abuse is morally wrong. Now whether you want to be moral or not is totally up to you. But you are being immoral by killing sentient being is a fact.

The problem is you can not feed meat or dairy products through milk etc. to the 7 billion people on earth by having cattle farm everywhere, ultimately you will have to have animal farming. My grandma own couple cattle farms and I grew up playing with them. So, definitely having a cattle farm is way better and more ethical. But veganism is more like a movement where vegans are making a statement that “in our modern world we can perfectly live and breath by having plant based diet, and we have no necessity to live on meat based protein and put these mammals, reptiles, our fellow creatures in to pain just for our pleasure of taste in the tongue.” It’s hard to teach morality, isn’t it? We used to have slaves and beat the hell out of them, rape slave women just few years ago.. and it was perfectly legal, vouched by religious scriptures.. that’s why a simple moral test is always asking yourself before doing the action “Would you like that to happen to yourself?” That’s where compassion and humanism and a better world origin from.

So..point valid everywhere.. even in a new dimensional world or even in the deep past or even in present.

Aren’t plants as living beings feel pain too… double standards?

These are common things been said towards veganism which just indicates how little people think or know about life and biology. Plant does not have brain and central nervous system. Mammals are not the same as reptilians and amphibians, reptilians are not the same as fungi or plants. There’s a hierarchy in the mechanism of pain. A crocodile or a hippopotamus won’t feel anything on their thick skin if you punch hard, but try that on a human or a dog or a cow. What is pain is a neurological question. What is suffering is a cosmic consciousness question. Yes, plants suffer, but do plants feel pain on the same level a mamal brain which evolved over 500 million years in the 4.8 billion year old history of earth? The answer is no. It’s plain biology and you need to read some literature on the evolution of pain and what nervous centres actually cause it. One intuition I can give, if a person is paralyzed in one leg, you can try punching, pinning, he won’t feel pain from there. But definitely on the consciousness level, plants suffer as they have life. So, I understand where you are coming from. In an ideal buddhist world, they prefer not even killing plants. If I would be able to survive well without killing plants, I actually would prefer to do that as that’s what the same moral code suggests. What I mean by that is that if you are in a living condition, where you no longer have other option but to kill an animal, morally you are right to kill for your survival. So, you couldn’t be a vegan in antarctica or arctic sea where your only option is some seals and fishes. So, morality also definitely depends on cultural evolution and understanding, but on a very firm and simple objective which is “How can we reduce suffering and pain in the world as it is apparently not pleasant”. Hope that answers your doubt. But also read more about what I am saying in philosophy and biology and earth and human history. You don’t need to take my words! Let’s be compassionate as we have reached far and are truly progressing towards a compassionate world little by little amidst all the bullshits, wars and nightmares. And innocent animals can be included in your circle of compassion too..  😉

“Thanks for the short budhist training. But no, it is still your view of the world and it’s valid but so is mine.
I decided to put and limit my moral compass on human’s feelings and suffering I have little feelings for unknown rabbits living in a random cave in India.
I guess your philosophy will be more telling for individualistic monk in a spiritual quest trying to feel compassion in everyone and everything in the universe (ironically so often excluding his/her close family). That’s one way to live a life but certainly not the best way if there is one.”

Yep, totally valid question. No, the wolves are not immoral because wolves don’t understand morality, wolves don’t have the ethical evolution about what it means to be right or wrong. That’s one way of answering it. Another answer is wolves are carnivorous, they can only eat meat, they can’t live on plants. But the giant apes, our ancestors, chimpanzees, bonobos, gorillas, orangotans are 95% herbivorous, and only 5% carnivours meaning they sometimes enjoy meat or insects. So, we are actually omnivorous, but we are more herbivorous than carnivorous.. we forcefully are evolving ourselves to becoming carnivorous. You can see in the literature of medical science, how carcinozens cause cancer, what’s the main root of heart disease etc. But anyway, you can totally have a healthy carnivorous diet. So, from the morality standpoint, wolves haven’t written books on morality, wolves haven’t understoon peace, they don’t held nobel peace prize conference. Now whether some people are like wolves, definitely they are.. 😉 whether it’s better to be like a peaceful bonobo than a violent chimpanzee, I think that leads towards a peaceful society. Whether you use atomic energy to bring power plants, versus whether you nuke hiroshima.. we totally have the choice of both. But we understand from physical pain/suffering perspective and also from the empirical evidence from the past, what causes less suffering to life..

“And if your logic is applied to the current world veganism is still a luxury morality which is my main point.
It cannot be universal at least in the present state of the world.
I will leave it here since I can smell that this topic passionates you to the maximum. Hope we’ll have more time to discuss. I’d like to have a deeper understanding of budhism from someone who practice it on a daily basis. 😉”

Whether others are not doing anything to bring less suffering shouldn’t prevent you. If you can be luxarious in the right direction, then be it. May be Einstein had the luxury to think about gravitational pull, theory of relativity when most people were just pulling carts in the world. So are other scientists.. Guess what, that brought everything we enjoy today, including me texting on fb on internet. So are most of the peace prize winners, when nobody cared, they gave their sweats to bring fairness in the world. They weren’t always right. After all we are fallible human beings. But if our intuition tells that something should be done to reduce suffering of animals, and if it’s just to sacrificing my eating habit a little, I will do. And you are right. These are luxurious, but somebody had to do it. If they wouldn’t the world would still be the barbaric world from the past where we would be roaming around on horses with swords or guns in both sides of our cowboy pants and would totally chop heads every time some one argue with us. Haha.. I hope you get the point. Definitely luxurious, but what you understand to be right is always in your hand to be executed immediately. You always have the choice not to do either and flow with the usual tide. After all forcing morality on to others is also immoral which is paradoxical, now I am playing word games.. haha. 🙂

Oddness of existence

Pessimism alert! Bad trip alert!

However, I am optimistic.

I’ve been thinking about life and miseries and roaming on YouTube and watching some documentaries. It seems to me where ever you are, what relative condition a life is ticking, every living being seems like struggling and feeling pain and suffocation and longing for getting out of the cage. Each seems to desire to live in a better condition, has a goal where each wants to reach, but then it can not, and then it is frustrated and unhappy. Each seems to feel confined in its living condition. And it’s easy to die and the fear is real. It is like neverending unhappiness and struggle to live. All an individual animal and human think about are all that it don’t have, can’t have. Each has the survival instincts and the ability to feel joy and pain. Some are not naturally selected well. Some are trying to climb the ladder, some are falling, some are rising, some are winning, some are being extinguished. Some are not better equipped for existence, some are endowed with good social and physical environment, some are not. Some are lucky, but they feel unlucky. Some are unlucky, but are unaware of the way to bring a good fortune. For human, education and information acquisition seems necessary, but then even with education, with information you can feel trapped. It seems like in life feeling trapped is inevitable.

It was a wild trip for me through internet. Normally you call or recognize that you were in the dark side of internet or youtube after such trip, as if you try to kick yourself into the good reality from a bad one, as if you feel the desire that bad things don’t exist, at least not for you, you only want to watch the good stuff, feel the good feeling, as if you want to believe that your problems and miseries are the biggest problems on earth. But it’s not. But it’s also true that you are only stuck with yourself. The first and foremost thing is your wellbeing but it’s asy to be tricked if your world view is small nd not wide enough to have a global view of existence on our pale blue planet. All may be illusion, it’s hard to figure what’s real and what’s not, as most things are beyond your reach and beyond your subjective world.

Life should be easy to live. But the baggage from evolution, from culture are too hard and the trap seems to be too tight for any individual to break through.
I am on a peak of my personal realizations.
Nothing is weird.

My mind is mashed with conflicting thoughts. But it’s all good.

May be whatever you are, where ever you are, accepting and embracing it is the first step, and then the continuation. Being a human is probably lucky that you are uniquely positioned to think through all these. But then a human mind is so tricky, if it’s not filled with the positive stuff, if it’s not directed towards a good path, it can make a living hell out of itself even in the best livable condition. So, life is a blessing and a curse at the same time; it’s ultimately how it’s perceived. You can know the light, when you experienced darkness.. and vice versa.

If you want to have the same trip like mine…it will be a bad trip for you if you watch these videos sequentially.. . in total I probably watched 50 videos over a long time. Haha.

There’s also almost infinite good stuff and videos too on YouTube. You can always cherry pick and demand to see the good instead of the bad.

A struggling penguin..

Survival of a bear vs a seal

Tribal limitedness

A brothel in the south east

Unhappy women seeking for marriage

Crazy girlfriends

Unhappy rich people