Immortal

I gave them the gun,

And they dropped me dead.

My eyes were wide and open

To see the void of affection in their face.

The short interval between

The triggering and the bullet reaching my heart

Cut all the ties and kill everything vague;

Between that very moment

And all that is rest.

 

I wonder how easy it is to be swept away

from the brightness to the jungle of nothingness.

Time is a puzzle that I still can’t solve.

It comes, it swerves, it slides;

It twists and then it vanishes

From my inside and out.

 

I remember those wild nights

That made me brave;

Just when the bullet was touching me

To drop me dead.

I realized only then my fate,

But I’ll live forever

In the air and in the ears

I can bet.

 

 

Picture source: Immortal Knight by Rassouli from http://www.avatarfinearts.com/Rassouli-Gallery/Surrealism-Art/Symbolic-Surrealist-painting-of-Knights-on-Horse.html

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Then you never stop feeling..

Last weekend I was bored. I was super bored, up to a level that I was literally trying to escape from everything. This weekend I am feeling really good. It’s really nice weather outside here. I am in the new Starbucks coffeeshop near our campus. I love the new atmosphere in this coffee shop. The old one was really small and congested, the new one is wide and feels having more room. It’s interesting how space makes us feel. The feeling of wideness and narrowness I mean! And I am thinking about ups and downs of life. May be I have some obsession with playing with my feelings ;). The ups and downs are so common, but still every time you are in the down side, you hate being there. On the other hand, the ups are the ones you want to sustain. How to really get used to with your failures? Some failures are just hard to accept as you firmly believe that you could have done better. It’s that your laziness and lack of conscious thoughts in the moment just ruined it for you. But then no physical event should really define your potential, but it’s just hard to reconcile. My friend Adil gave me a book. It’s “The Prophet” by Kahlil Gibran. Reading Gibran is such a delight. I am reading page 29 on Joy and Sorrow. The chapter starts with

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow. And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

There really is no hard line between joy and sorrow. But as human being, we know we feel; We feel joy and we feel sorrow. And we don’t want sorrow for ourselves, we only want joy. Because it just feels good being joyous. But the natural world, the unconscious everything doesn’t have the least concern about how we feel, what we want. Should we call the nature ruthless then because it doesn’t care us at all? So, it’s on us how we can feel, what we can feel. But feeling the power within yourself is not that easy. Well, that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Frankly I have a feeling that I understand this sentence, but do I really? I am doubtful, may be because you can never appropriately measure the depth of your sorrow or your joy. When you are in misery, like when you lose your closest one, or you fail in something you deeply desired for, the sorrow just feels endless, when you are in the joyous state, like making love with your sweetest one, like sitting beside your mother and listen how you used to be when you were young with some disbelief, the joy you feel is just unimaginable. Every time it’s new, because it’s a new moment.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the vey cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Gibran talks about how inseparable joy and sorrow is. He denies the superiority of one over the other. He brings some metaphor like a cup or a lute and how they stand with both of the sides- the harsh and the mild. He asks us to be introspective, to see our heart like a dual being observing its other self standing nearby.

We are always thinking. And if I look at my own thoughts, they are so sporadic. It takes some effort to linearize my thoughts. It requires concentration to steadily and critically think about a single topic. It may be a very important neuro – scientific question why and how we evolved to be like this. A broad answer may be that millions of our early evolutionary past, all we thought and cared about is our survival in the wild. But were we not more focussed than what we are now? What I mean is – when you are running away from a danger or chasing down an animal or heavy lifting or climbing, those normally require intense focus. It can easily be said that when we didn’t know how to read or write, those were our primary activities. Did we then used to live in the present more than how we live our life now? In our modern lives (last few centuries) through urbanization, through industrial, scientific, academic revolution, we brought more stability in managing our resources, properties. We live more in our mind now that we live outside I guess. But this is a big claim? Isn’t it? And probably it’s just not very easy to prove it. Our modern activities have changed, moved from high physical labor to low physical labor tasks, require more mental activities, because we learnt through imagination we can touch the infinite. It’s a huge dilemma, isn’t it? If I understand the mechanism of joy and sorrow, I know that these emotion are deeply attached with your connection with your presence in the world. But then we know that only through imagination, prediction of future and inference of the past, we can enjoy the unknowns. Both are true and so is the struggle in the mind. I will just end with the last sentence in the chapter by Gibran.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

And I am now watching this to add more spice to my burning mind-oven.

Music, Hippy & Spirituality

I find music as something that can give some bliss, satisfy me. It definitely depends on what you listen and how you let music touch your heart. But there’s always a kind of music that can fit with your mood. There are so many amazing talents in the world of music who want to reach through their vocal genius. I am always drawn to a song with good lyrics and good music. Even though I have fascination for rock music, I try to listen every genre as long as it satisfies the two criteria- some good poetic, musical, rhythmic words and the awesome enchanting music – which means I feel the joy. If I think with which I have spent most of my young and adult life- during my time of joy and sorrow, it will definitely be some form of music. Some music just refresh me when I wake up, some just push me to work a little bit harder when I almost give up, some are inevitable in my tired evenings and some just can soothe me and put me to sleep. When I was at my late teen years, when I started exploring the world, when I left my country and started my traveller life, it was the music which accompanied me on my way, it was those headphones that I used to wear everywhere and shake my head in a crowdy train platform surprising everyone. I was always a boy who loves to express where ever he feels to. I felt like a hippy so many times, I discovered the bohemian in me through the music, I realized my spiritual connection with nature through music. Some music are imprinted in my brain so deeply, I can just close my eyes and I can time travel from one corner of the world to other corner, I can fully explore my imaginary world, music works for me as an emotional vehicle, gives me wings to fly, fly higher. I am lucky to have learnt several languages like Bengali, English, Japanese, Hindi- and all these four cultures admire music so much. I wish if I could add Spanish to this, that would be perfect. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoy the similarities and the differences of these different music of different culture. Bengali, being my mother tongue, touches me and caresses me. Most of my crucial teen years, when I was dashing, Japanese music gave me the strength, gave me the power to think broadly, inspired me to explore. And what can I talk about English music – they are just my life in one sentence. From classic rock to alternative rock to pop rock to country, everywhere I swing depending on my mood. And my young life back in Bangladesh was mostly surrounded with Hindi music. No wonder why my romantic me has so many different moods, lol.. I feel like a Bengal tiger, then a Japanese samurai, then an English traveller. I am going to share some music which are very integral to me, has always been with me for some very real reasons, remind of specific time and I will continue listening to them till my last breath.

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Epiphany

There’s only one sun and only one visible moon. And there’s only one heart beeping inside, always embezzled by events and all the hereabouts. You wish that you can keep a permanent relaxed state but life without tension is a rare catch. So, the mornings are awkwardly different, the noons are assumingly hectic, the afternoons are eccentric, the evenings are about experiencing the switch between light and darkness, the nights are simultaneously welcoming and unwelcoming but what is it that can fill you up is yet to be unknown or unrevealed; just let it be. The joys and delights- they are better perceived, experienced when they are unpredictably available. There’s no escape from monotony but isn’t boredom a preconceived notion to you? You can deal with uncertainties, you sure can. Even if all your efforts for making things certain in your hand, in your mind fail, you are still creating something, you are still breathing, walking and dancing. Ultimately, it’s all just a bit of your momentary expression born out of your feelings and actions. May be it’s easy if you always have something to do tomorrow, something to achieve that can be significant in your timeline, may be you choose to be solitary to be introspective, may be you want to mingle to behave, may be you are closed to entertain yourself, may be you are open to entertain others, but you just do it the way you feel and you try to replicate, not always successfully, but it’s good to discover new you within you, so you continue asking questions to search for some of the answers. Newness is charming, old can be boring. But you needed the old to create the new, so be in love with both, make a bridge between the two, they will clash but for good reasons, for the purpose of your new you to be born in the finite stream of countably infinite next moments. It’s too short, no point of putting yourself in misery by taking the extraterrestrial vehicles. The fact that you can still dream is magical.