What you have?

I wish I had realized this early in my life. I was reading this:

“If they have to be chased, then they don’t want you. And if they don’t want you, then you shouldn’t want them . As Maya Angelou says, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

If someone, be it potential friend, wife, business partner, is showing you that they would rather not get along with you, believe them. Be confident and live.””

I personally feel like literally everyone, at one point or other in their life, intensely feels the fear of being left out, be it in a broken relationship, be it rejected by a job interview, be it get fired, be it not being able to achieve something very desirable, be a friend mistreating, be your parents being horrible with you. The fear, the loneliness eats the soul, takes us to the darkest corner to hate living. I realize now it’s all for good ultimately. Being challenging and resilient truly takes time and you need to fail to learn. But boy, it’s so hard to keep your sanity sometimes.

“This cannot be said enough. Imagine you walked into a car dealership and the salesman told you he had a car for you. He says, “Well, it’s kinda old and beat up. It still runs, but it’s high on gas, there’s a few scratches on the paint, and I’m not sure how reliable it is.” Now, how much would you want to buy that car? You’d be out of there in a New York second and looking for something better in no time, I’m quite sure. Why? Because if the person selling you the car doesn’t even believe in the quality of the car, why should you?

This is exactly why you need to increase your confidence and self-esteem. If you don’t believe in what you are selling, then why should others? Confidence is attractive. If you believe you have something valuable to offer, so will others. The more you truly love yourself, the more convinced you’ll be that you will find right things for you. ” — From a pairedlife.com post

Realize what you can offer.

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Being touched in the heart

I recently got introduced to turkish music by a friend. Some of the songs are really good. For me, lyrics are important and that’s why if I like the music of a song, I naturally look up whether a translation exists or ask a friend who knows the meaning of the words. There’s these two artists I like now – one is “Pinhani” and “Emre Ayden“. Their voice really touches my heart. I would like to share Pinhani’s “Nehirler Durmaz”.

Birazdan güneş doğacak
Sun will rise soon

Açacak çiçek sana sormadan

The flower will bloom without asking you

Birazdan gün başlayacak

The day will start soon

Saatin çalacak hiç utanmadan

Your clock will go off without shame

Oysa sen bir nehirsin

But you are a river

Ve nehirler durmaz

And rivers don’t stop

Kavuşur bir an önce sevdiğine

They rejoin with the one they love

Asla geç kalmaz

They are never late

İstesen gelebilirsin

If you want, you can come

Yola çıkmadan olmaz

Not before to hitting road

Sabah olmadan gelsen bile

Even if you come before morning

Ellerim sen olmadan ısınmaz

My hands can’t warm without you

Birazdan gece son bulacak

The night will be end soon

Kaçacak uykun ardına bakmadan

You’ll lose your sleep without looking back

Birazdan yollar dolacak

The roads will be crowded soon

This song includes all these natural scenes that take me to these beautiful places where I can imagine to walk, even touch and feel content. How the river is used as a metaphor is also quite interesting, how the flow of water diverges, converges makes me roll in to the deep – that quite fits into how a life goes by I assume.

And the next song is Emre Aydin‘s “Ses Ver”.

Duvarlar ördüm, köprüler yıktım
I put up walls, pull down bridges

Döndüm bir baktım, hiçbir şeyi unutmamışım

I looked back, I haven’t forgotten anything

Eğer her şey bitiyorsa bitsin artık yokluğunda

If everything ends let it already end in your abscence

Eğer her şey bitiyorsa, beni bırakma burada

If everything ends, don’t leave me here

Çocuklar toplanıp gittiler

The children came together and went away from my soul

Dünle unutmak arasındayım şimdi

Now, I’m between yesterday and forgetting

Sen yoksun inan, bir tek sen lazımken

Believe me, you are absent when all I need you

Bir ses ver, yapma, burada bırakma bizi

Give out a sound, don’t, don’t leave a mark

Çocuklar toplanıp gittiler içimden

The kids came together and went away from my soul

Dünle unutmak arasındayım şimdi

Now, I’m between yesterday and forgetting

Sen yoksun inan, bir tek sen lazımken

Believe me, you are absent when all I need you

Bir ses ver, yapma, burada bırakma bizi

Give out a sound, don’t, don’t leave a mark

ses ver

Give out a sound

ses ver

Give out a sound

Yeminler ettim ve çok konuştum

I swore, I talked a lot of

Döndüm bir baktım, hiçbir şey söylememişim

I looked back, I haven’t said anything

Eğer her şey bitiyorsa bitsin artık yokluğunda

If everything ends let it already end in your abscence

I like the poetry in these two songs. The remembering, the forgetting, the presence, the absence all make sense to me in quite a vivid way. “If everything ends let it already end in your abscence”- it may be the absence of a person – a loved one, but I can treat it also as the absence of something more abstract or materialistic that used to be close, that used to be a part of myself. Just giving out a sound, coz inside it’s so chaotic that you sometimes feel not to express, but you should shout. Looking back, you could have done otherwise, everything shall pass.

I also like some turkish rap. I think Ceza is probably the most popular and I like the song “Suspus”.

Göz gözü görmüyor hep pus
No one can see each others, it’s all haze

Takipteler ses etme sus

They’re following, don’t make sound, shush

Bir vakit donmuştu beynim

My brain has freezed once

Düzlükteyken bitmiş seyrim

My journey has ended on the level

Göz gözü görmüyor hep pus

No one can see each others, it’s all haze

Takipteler ses etme sus

They’re following, don’t make sound, shush

Durma git enerjini kus

Go ahead and discharge your energy

Zaten çok soğuk etraf buz

It is already too cold, freezing

Hiç yalan der misin a ah

Do you tell lies? no..

Pek dert dinler misin a ah

Do you listen to others troubles? no..

Ya bayat yer misin a ah

Do you eat stale? no..

İnsan seçer misin a ah

Do you discriminate people? no..

Dikkatli izlersen anlarsın haklı megatron

If you pay attention, you’ll see that Megatron is right

Bende ghillie kevlar-mythril, sende sade bir kat krom

I have a Ghillie Kevlar-mythril, you have only one layer of chromium

Zaten tekim, çıplak gezsem n’olur, her gün dekatlon

I’m a lone ranger, what happens if I walk naked, everyday is another decathlon

Hep dikenli tel etrafımda, kendi kendimeyim her gün sor bir

Barbed wire all around me, I’m on my own everyday, ask me one time

Hep diken diken gel bir gör

It’s all barb, come and see one time

Tıkandı kaldı bak her bir form

Look, every form is choked up

Kırıntıların arasında kaldım, adı konsun artık

I stayed between crumbs, it needs a name now

Hadi konsomatrisim ol, her sokakta beni bulmak zor

Let’s be my B-girl, it’s hard to find me in every on streets

Sıkılanlardan mısın ya da ıkınanlardan mısın?

Are you from the bored ones or stretched ones?

Kulağına dandik müzik takılanlardansın

You are from the ones wear dud music in their ears.

Ama kusura bakma yapılacak hiçbir şey yok

Sorry but there’s nothing to do.

Hızlı söyleyen ben değilim yavaş dinleyen sizlersiniz hep

I’m not fast, you are the one listening too slow always

Yavaş söylesem anlayacakmış gibi konuşuyor, şuna baksana kek

Look at that fool, he is talking like he’d understand if I speak slowly

Altına bez, al sana test, iki kere iki Ceza eder net

Here a napkin for you, here a test for you, two times two equal Ceza, yes

Birikiminiz ile bir bardak bile dolmaz, öğrenebildin mi veled?

Your savings cannot fill up even a glass, haven’t you learnt that, you brat?

Rap harekettir ve de politiktir

Rap is the motion and it is political

Bunu hazmedemiyor isen hassiktir

Fuck off, if you can’t swallow it

Duvarda hit-list, çoğunuz misfit

On the wall hit-list, many of you are misfits

Karalarım her yeri sen gene hit this

I scratch everywhere, you is again “hit this”

Bilmiyorsan sus, yaralara tuz bas, karalara ayak ile herkese

Shut up if you don’t know, press salt in the wounds,

Kumpas kur bak, uzaktan head shot.Zaten…

Machinate to everyone, look, head shot from far away. Already

Göz gözü görmüyor hep pus

No one can see each others, it’s all haze

Takipteler ses etme sus

They’re following, don’t make sound, shush

Bir vakit donmuştu beynim

My brain has freezed once

Düzlükteyken bitmiş seyrim

My journey has ended on the level

Göz gözü görmüyor hep pus

No one can see each others, it’s all haze

Takipteler ses etme sus

They’re following, don’t make sound, shush

Ceza’s voice in this song gives me strength. I think this song talks about the fuzzy nature in our society where we are all shielded, confused about our journey of life. But in the end, he recommends to say “Fuck off” to all bullshits because every form is choked up and you should discharge everything you got.

 

Then you never stop feeling..

Last weekend I was bored. I was super bored, up to a level that I was literally trying to escape from everything. This weekend I am feeling really good. It’s really nice weather outside here. I am in the new Starbucks coffeeshop near our campus. I love the new atmosphere in this coffee shop. The old one was really small and congested, the new one is wide and feels having more room. It’s interesting how space makes us feel. The feeling of wideness and narrowness I mean! And I am thinking about ups and downs of life. May be I have some obsession with playing with my feelings ;). The ups and downs are so common, but still every time you are in the down side, you hate being there. On the other hand, the ups are the ones you want to sustain. How to really get used to with your failures? Some failures are just hard to accept as you firmly believe that you could have done better. It’s that your laziness and lack of conscious thoughts in the moment just ruined it for you. But then no physical event should really define your potential, but it’s just hard to reconcile. My friend Adil gave me a book. It’s “The Prophet” by Kahlil Gibran. Reading Gibran is such a delight. I am reading page 29 on Joy and Sorrow. The chapter starts with

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow. And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

There really is no hard line between joy and sorrow. But as human being, we know we feel; We feel joy and we feel sorrow. And we don’t want sorrow for ourselves, we only want joy. Because it just feels good being joyous. But the natural world, the unconscious everything doesn’t have the least concern about how we feel, what we want. Should we call the nature ruthless then because it doesn’t care us at all? So, it’s on us how we can feel, what we can feel. But feeling the power within yourself is not that easy. Well, that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Frankly I have a feeling that I understand this sentence, but do I really? I am doubtful, may be because you can never appropriately measure the depth of your sorrow or your joy. When you are in misery, like when you lose your closest one, or you fail in something you deeply desired for, the sorrow just feels endless, when you are in the joyous state, like making love with your sweetest one, like sitting beside your mother and listen how you used to be when you were young with some disbelief, the joy you feel is just unimaginable. Every time it’s new, because it’s a new moment.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the vey cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Gibran talks about how inseparable joy and sorrow is. He denies the superiority of one over the other. He brings some metaphor like a cup or a lute and how they stand with both of the sides- the harsh and the mild. He asks us to be introspective, to see our heart like a dual being observing its other self standing nearby.

We are always thinking. And if I look at my own thoughts, they are so sporadic. It takes some effort to linearize my thoughts. It requires concentration to steadily and critically think about a single topic. It may be a very important neuro – scientific question why and how we evolved to be like this. A broad answer may be that millions of our early evolutionary past, all we thought and cared about is our survival in the wild. But were we not more focussed than what we are now? What I mean is – when you are running away from a danger or chasing down an animal or heavy lifting or climbing, those normally require intense focus. It can easily be said that when we didn’t know how to read or write, those were our primary activities. Did we then used to live in the present more than how we live our life now? In our modern lives (last few centuries) through urbanization, through industrial, scientific, academic revolution, we brought more stability in managing our resources, properties. We live more in our mind now that we live outside I guess. But this is a big claim? Isn’t it? And probably it’s just not very easy to prove it. Our modern activities have changed, moved from high physical labor to low physical labor tasks, require more mental activities, because we learnt through imagination we can touch the infinite. It’s a huge dilemma, isn’t it? If I understand the mechanism of joy and sorrow, I know that these emotion are deeply attached with your connection with your presence in the world. But then we know that only through imagination, prediction of future and inference of the past, we can enjoy the unknowns. Both are true and so is the struggle in the mind. I will just end with the last sentence in the chapter by Gibran.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

And I am now watching this to add more spice to my burning mind-oven.

Music, Hippy & Spirituality

I find music as something that can give some bliss, satisfy me. It definitely depends on what you listen and how you let music touch your heart. But there’s always a kind of music that can fit with your mood. There are so many amazing talents in the world of music who want to reach through their vocal genius. I am always drawn to a song with good lyrics and good music. Even though I have fascination for rock music, I try to listen every genre as long as it satisfies the two criteria- some good poetic, musical, rhythmic words and the awesome enchanting music – which means I feel the joy. If I think with which I have spent most of my young and adult life- during my time of joy and sorrow, it will definitely be some form of music. Some music just refresh me when I wake up, some just push me to work a little bit harder when I almost give up, some are inevitable in my tired evenings and some just can soothe me and put me to sleep. When I was at my late teen years, when I started exploring the world, when I left my country and started my traveller life, it was the music which accompanied me on my way, it was those headphones that I used to wear everywhere and shake my head in a crowdy train platform surprising everyone. I was always a boy who loves to express where ever he feels to. I felt like a hippy so many times, I discovered the bohemian in me through the music, I realized my spiritual connection with nature through music. Some music are imprinted in my brain so deeply, I can just close my eyes and I can time travel from one corner of the world to other corner, I can fully explore my imaginary world, music works for me as an emotional vehicle, gives me wings to fly, fly higher. I am lucky to have learnt several languages like Bengali, English, Japanese, Hindi- and all these four cultures admire music so much. I wish if I could add Spanish to this, that would be perfect. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoy the similarities and the differences of these different music of different culture. Bengali, being my mother tongue, touches me and caresses me. Most of my crucial teen years, when I was dashing, Japanese music gave me the strength, gave me the power to think broadly, inspired me to explore. And what can I talk about English music – they are just my life in one sentence. From classic rock to alternative rock to pop rock to country, everywhere I swing depending on my mood. And my young life back in Bangladesh was mostly surrounded with Hindi music. No wonder why my romantic me has so many different moods, lol.. I feel like a Bengal tiger, then a Japanese samurai, then an English traveller. I am going to share some music which are very integral to me, has always been with me for some very real reasons, remind of specific time and I will continue listening to them till my last breath.

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Hope it is :)

It’s never tiring to explore new things. All you need is to change your perspective, widen your horizon, reach outwards, toss out your fear for unknowns. Inquiring into the unknown may be daunting, but the effort you make always brings the fruit. It sometimes is tremendously hard to leave the shoes that you were wearing for long long time. There is no doubt that you have legitimate reasons to keep your old shoes on and try to keep yourself in your comfort zone. But the truth is none of your comfort zones are really perpetual which can accommodate you forever safely. It takes mere hours to lose your seemingly unassailable habitat that you might have built for years. There is no lack of catastrophe in this beautiful but dangerous world. The more you are reluctant to increase the breadth of your life, the more you are prone to make yourself vulnerable. It takes quite a bit of learning how you truly reach even to the person you meet everyday, how you open your mind to different possibilities. It may be our cognitive deficiency that we feel scared when we are uncertain. But look around, does anything look certain to you? Then this constant desire for certainty is probably the wrong way of approaching towards life. Preparation for uncertainty has its fundamental requirement of challenging your ideas and being persuasive enough to experience everything that is obscure. Learning how to navigate through the whirling winds in your life require courage and you can garner the raw materials that give birth to an intrepid heart by being adventurous. Have you noticed in the phenomenal Tom & Jerry cartoon where Tom sometimes is running desperately and then cross the edge of a high place and run on literally nothing underneath his feet? But interestingly he doesn’t fall until he looks downward and suddenly finds no ground beneath his feet. I think first of all you try to avoid crossing an edge unless you are pushed enough and secondly even if you decide to cross, you should not look down. You need to learn to obtain the skill of retaining your valor to deal the unusual. You may gain some invisible force that will allow you to cross if you don’t let your mind be boggled by the vacuum. Because there will soon be something to fill you and let you fly. You may not have some real wings but you can definitely grow some temporary ones and enter into the synthetic reality to navigate the gloomy verisimilitude. I know we get tired when we see everything worth gaining is expensive and demand a great deal of effort. It’s not that we don’t try but we get tired and alarmed due to the failures we experience. Sometimes it feels like everything around is structured to diminish your spirit but that’s the pessimism spiral you should try to get out of. It takes time to be inspired, it takes positive events to occur in all the negative randomness we are submerged with. But hope it is and dream it is that should keep us alive and I am not frightened to dare the darkness. Are you?