I was in Love

I am little heart broken last two days. And I guess like many of you, I go back to those songs we can relate. I was watching the movie “Eat, Pray, Love”. It was enjoyable to watch, but at the same time I despised it as I read the book first. One line I love from the book that I loved seeing two characters play on the screen though. It goes like this ““Sometimes to lose balance for love, is part of living a balanced life.””

I have been trying to be productive in the morning. But then got hooked with this Japanese song.

Kagerou by One OK Rock. Yay! I can still read Kanjis… 🙂

君を思う気持ちはカゲロウ, 伝えられず僕は漂う..
(kimi wo omou kimochi wa KAGEROU, tsutaerarezu boku wa tadayou…)
I will float/scatter my feelings when I remember you, instead of telling
ふと気づくと僕はここに立っていた
(futo kidzuku to boku wa koko ni tatteita)
When realization hit me suddenly, I was standing here
抱くはずのない気持ちを片手に
(idaku hazu no nai kimochi wo katate ni)
Feelings, I had no intention of embracing, was in my one hand
巻き戻してみたらこの思いは見えるかな
(makimodoshite mitara kono omoi wa mieru kana?)
Could I see my affection if I tried to rewind?
早送りしたらこの感情は残るのかな
(hayaokuri shitara kono kanjou wa nokoru no kana?)
I wonder if it’ll stay if I fast-forwarded
そんなワケないって笑ってみるけど
(sonna WAKE nai tte waratte miru kedo)
“Yeah, right,” I try to say with a laugh
その笑いすらもう不自然で
(sono warai sura mou fushizen de)
But even my smile looked artificial/fake
君を思う気持ちはカゲロウ
(kimi wo omou kimochi wa KAGEROU)
My feelings for you sparkle in my thoughts
まだ自分に素直になれない
(mada jibun ni sunao ni narenai)
I can’t be honest with myself yet
本当はもう気付いているのに
(hontou wa mou kidzuiteiru no ni)
Even though I’ve realized the truth
ただ言葉にできない自分がうずいているの!
(tada kotoba ni dekinai jibun ga uzuiteiru no!)
The tingling sensation in myself that can’t still express my feelings in words
意識すればするほど遠のいていく
(ishiki sureba suru hodo toonoiteiku)
I’ll fade away if I’m too aware
それが淋しいのは何でだろう?
(sore ga sabishii no wa nande darou?)
Why does that seem so lonely?
別にって態度で話流したり
(betsu ni tte taido de hanashi nagashitari)
Why do my words spilling out with a “whatever” attitude
いつもより何故か冷たくして…
(itsumo yori nazeka tsumetaku shite…)
Make them colder than usual?
君を思う気持ちはカゲロウ
(kimi wo omou kimochi wa KAGEROU)
My feelings for you float in my thoughts
まだ自分に素直になれない
(mada jibun ni sunao ni narenai)
I can’t be honest with myself yet
本当はもう気付いているのに
(hontou wa mou kidzuiteiru no ni)
Even though I’ve realized the truth
ただ言葉にできない自分がいるだけなの
(tada kotoba ni dekinai jibun ga iru dake na no!)
I’m still just here with the words I can’t get out
何気ない仕草でも目だけは君だけを追っていた
(nanigenai shigusa demo me dake wa kimi dake wo otteita)
Maybe I was nonchalant, but you’re the only one my eyes were chasing
なんて考えた時はもう好きだった 君と会うと決めた日は
どれだけ自分を隠しただろう?
(nante kangaeta toki wa mou suki datta kimi to au to kimeta hi wa dore dake jibun wo kakushita darou?
When I think about the day we met when you still liked me, how much did you hide yourself?)
嫌われるのが恐くてって考えた時には愛してた
(kirawareru no ga kowakute… tte kangaeta toki ni wa aishiteta)
When I thought how much I was scared of being hated, I knew I was in love
愛してた
I was in love
愛してた
I was in love

Source: https://sites.google.com/site/takasrock/kagerou

#NowPlaying
https://open.spotify.com/album/5vG1nA5IR7bIv9mfhjGKNd…

Drink me

As if that obviousness wasn’t enough!

From far, it still looked like a shadow,

Some doubts thus still lingered,

On your lips there’s no answer yet.

Couldn’t those moments be bit more expressive?

If those clouds wouldn’t hide anything!

What more there to be naked?

It can’t be more both calm and restless and therefore inviting.

Let’s not let it be dry,

‘Coz you can always catch and stop time.

Or you can choose to fly like a butterfly often with no intention.

To lose can’t be a sin.

We’d rather embrace and sweat with our yearnings.

This mystery and you, here I breathe,

A little inception in the now is what I only long for.

The deep urge of this urgency can be welcomed.

Then take a shower in the drops of uneasiness.

And curl me inside with your legs.

More incidents will not precipitate more love.

It’s impossible to find discontinuity with an open eye.

And I won’t stop drinking you.

 

Image source: Google images.

What you have?

I wish I had realized this early in my life. I was reading this:

“If they have to be chased, then they don’t want you. And if they don’t want you, then you shouldn’t want them . As Maya Angelou says, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

If someone, be it potential friend, wife, business partner, is showing you that they would rather not get along with you, believe them. Be confident and live.””

I personally feel like literally everyone, at one point or other in their life, intensely feels the fear of being left out, be it in a broken relationship, be it rejected by a job interview, be it get fired, be it not being able to achieve something very desirable, be a friend mistreating, be your parents being horrible with you. The fear, the loneliness eats the soul, takes us to the darkest corner to hate living. I realize now it’s all for good ultimately. Being challenging and resilient truly takes time and you need to fail to learn. But boy, it’s so hard to keep your sanity sometimes.

“This cannot be said enough. Imagine you walked into a car dealership and the salesman told you he had a car for you. He says, “Well, it’s kinda old and beat up. It still runs, but it’s high on gas, there’s a few scratches on the paint, and I’m not sure how reliable it is.” Now, how much would you want to buy that car? You’d be out of there in a New York second and looking for something better in no time, I’m quite sure. Why? Because if the person selling you the car doesn’t even believe in the quality of the car, why should you?

This is exactly why you need to increase your confidence and self-esteem. If you don’t believe in what you are selling, then why should others? Confidence is attractive. If you believe you have something valuable to offer, so will others. The more you truly love yourself, the more convinced you’ll be that you will find right things for you. ” — From a pairedlife.com post

Realize what you can offer.

Why I feel what I feel?

22nd January, 2017. I’m here on a sunday just sitting on my couch thinking incessantly. It’s calm and quiet outside in this cold cloudy winter morning but I wish it was calmer and quieter inside me. I was thinking about how we feel. When I woke up day before yesterday, I felt resentful, hostile; yesterday when I woke up, I felt somewhat afraid, somewhat neutral and today now that I am awake, I am feeling analytical, bit hopeful. I can dig deeper and always using causality relationship, can approximately analyze what happened the last night or last day and bring a reason for my feeling such and such. On a certain moment, there’s various feelings I can feel. I can feel differently for a same incident which means that I can not give a definitive answer for why I feel what I feel. But there’s definitely two big sets of good and bad feelings. I may be able to categorize my feelings as good feelings versus bad. As our emotional, psychic or spiritual interests go, we tend to crave for good feelings but who will disagree that most of the time you are just craving for it and what you really have are complications inside you. But whenever I feel now a days that cravings, I banish myself asking – who told me that I need to feel good, weren’t my bad days were the days that pushed me to change myself. But is it the hope then for a good day that pushes you through your bad day? And when good day comes, you try to celebrate and you get the justification for all your struggle. But are all lucky that way? What if your struggle never stops and you never succeed. So, is there any alternative to this hope based model for living? I certainly based my life on my hopes and dreams. And I can tell you when your hopes and dreams are destroyed, you will feel to cease yourself. This model constantly requires you to be resilient, requires you to create new hope and new dreams when all your old hopes and old dreams are gone. But the problem is you may sometimes have deep attachment with some of these which may be very crucial for your existence. Life is cruel, life is full of struggle, so I don’t think any static model can give answers to all problems in every kind of circumstance perpetually. The complexity of life requires constant awareness and inspection and the ability to change.  What is that brought dissatisfaction to life? Oops, that’s such a big question, right? Isn’t it that you want something and you fail to achieve it is what that causes all discomfort? So, your desire is the cause of your sufferings then? That’s why people go to solitary places, monks confine themselves in caves, an urban monk detaches himself from everything surrounding him- at least tries to, so all are to try to not desire or at least not to desire for some time being? Because our knowledge of our psychology shows that you can not use your logic against strong deceptions, illusions. I have watched several TED videos now on predictable irrationality, cognitive influence and it’s well-known, you just can’t avoid being deluded, influenced. So, what you subject yourself to will influence you and will lead you. Now, when you ride a horse, in every turn you pull so that your horse can choose the right direction, but when there are no turns sometimes you just let your horse ride by its own. Do you really always want to control your emotion? You don’t. Because then you will miss a lot but also you don’t want to get lost either, you don’t want to feel deceived either. So, you have to watch your steps sometimes. I was feeling to sum up a lot of other thoughts but I will keep it short today as I will have to go. There’s always something else that tide me over.