Bag of Emotions

I feel like I am a bag of emotions. This emotional roller coaster is not something that I dislike, but sometimes I just get confused about myself. Because I don’t know why I should be feeling what I am feeling. I start it new, then it gets old too soon. I know that I can pinpoint the root of each branch of my gigantic emotional tree, but some leaves just outgrow and outgrow and make me feel like I have nothing to say about my own journey. But why do I even feel to say? So, I let them grow, but then I feel boggled. I feel scared unnecessarily. I know the origin of fear, I know the outcome of fear, I know the future of fear, but still, the fear is there which is redundant. I know it’s all about being an open door through which things will pass. The moment you try to catch, you yourself are caught. I doubt my feelings all the time, maybe I just couldn’t find a better word than doubt here. Maybe a better way to say is that I want to judge my feelings, but then that’s probably not a good idea? Then why do I do it after knowing this is something I can’t comprehend. Maybe I didn’t learn anything so far, maybe it will be like this forever, and I will have to just go through, pass through, write through and dig through every morning like I am doing.  It’s like having self within self within self and ad infinitum. I know that I can not choose and pick just the ones I like. But the desire to stay unsullied, remain on a path is probably a struggle as there are so many paths to choose.

All I did is just I walked. I started from my home and I walked to the coffee shop, then I walked again and I reached the destination. But these few minutes my mind has roamed the entire universe of my emotional tree. It’s like reflecting a zillion of light all at once towards me, but all I wanted is to just walk without feeling anything. All I hoped that I would just bathe in the sunshine of the morning and my mind will just not let me do that. And I know why, and I know everything. But as I tell myself always knowing doesn’t help and in fact trap me more. So, I scream like Led Zeppelin, that you can not hold me find my stairway to heaven. And I will create new rules and then I will be chained under my own jail again. And I live.

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Sadness is about feeling aloof from the sweetness,

Sadness is about failing to filter the joy of life through the bitterness,

Sadness is about trying to escape

Sadness is about being unable to let go

Sadness is about not being desired

Sadness is about feeling afraid

Sadness is about feeling invisible in the crowd

Sadness is about not accepting the very own insignificance

Sadness is about feeling ignored

Sadness is about feeling powerless and miserable

Sadness is about trying to hold onto everything

Sadness is about burning inside

Sadness is about feeling shy to cry

Sadness is about missing and roaming in the pockets of memory

Sadness is about getting caught in a maze

Sadness is about getting stuck in the darkness

Sadness is about failing to see the light

Sadness is about isolation

Sadness is about getting lost

 

Happiness is about feeling the sensation of a warm coffee cup

Happiness is about kissing the lips without contradictions

Happiness is about getting naked under the moonlight

Happiness is about being silly in the crowd

Happiness is about kicking the nightmares

Happiness is about not feeling afraid

Happiness is about feeling secured

Happiness is about feeling recognized, feeling important

Happiness is about lighting the fire

Happiness is about dancing with the wind

Happiness is about taking a deep breath without fear

Happiness is about feeling empowered

Happiness is about finding the path towards brightness

Happiness is about making friendly calls

Happiness is about embracing everyone

Happiness is about rediscovering ownself

Happiness is about getting discovered

 

Both just happen to us.

Both are unreal.

But we are real.

Being touched in the heart

I recently got introduced to turkish music by a friend. Some of the songs are really good. For me, lyrics are important and that’s why if I like the music of a song, I naturally look up whether a translation exists or ask a friend who knows the meaning of the words. There’s these two artists I like now – one is “Pinhani” and “Emre Ayden“. Their voice really touches my heart. I would like to share Pinhani’s “Nehirler Durmaz”.

Birazdan güneş doğacak
Sun will rise soon

Açacak çiçek sana sormadan

The flower will bloom without asking you

Birazdan gün başlayacak

The day will start soon

Saatin çalacak hiç utanmadan

Your clock will go off without shame

Oysa sen bir nehirsin

But you are a river

Ve nehirler durmaz

And rivers don’t stop

Kavuşur bir an önce sevdiğine

They rejoin with the one they love

Asla geç kalmaz

They are never late

İstesen gelebilirsin

If you want, you can come

Yola çıkmadan olmaz

Not before to hitting road

Sabah olmadan gelsen bile

Even if you come before morning

Ellerim sen olmadan ısınmaz

My hands can’t warm without you

Birazdan gece son bulacak

The night will be end soon

Kaçacak uykun ardına bakmadan

You’ll lose your sleep without looking back

Birazdan yollar dolacak

The roads will be crowded soon

This song includes all these natural scenes that take me to these beautiful places where I can imagine to walk, even touch and feel content. How the river is used as a metaphor is also quite interesting, how the flow of water diverges, converges makes me roll in to the deep – that quite fits into how a life goes by I assume.

And the next song is Emre Aydin‘s “Ses Ver”.

Duvarlar ördüm, köprüler yıktım
I put up walls, pull down bridges

Döndüm bir baktım, hiçbir şeyi unutmamışım

I looked back, I haven’t forgotten anything

Eğer her şey bitiyorsa bitsin artık yokluğunda

If everything ends let it already end in your abscence

Eğer her şey bitiyorsa, beni bırakma burada

If everything ends, don’t leave me here

Çocuklar toplanıp gittiler

The children came together and went away from my soul

Dünle unutmak arasındayım şimdi

Now, I’m between yesterday and forgetting

Sen yoksun inan, bir tek sen lazımken

Believe me, you are absent when all I need you

Bir ses ver, yapma, burada bırakma bizi

Give out a sound, don’t, don’t leave a mark

Çocuklar toplanıp gittiler içimden

The kids came together and went away from my soul

Dünle unutmak arasındayım şimdi

Now, I’m between yesterday and forgetting

Sen yoksun inan, bir tek sen lazımken

Believe me, you are absent when all I need you

Bir ses ver, yapma, burada bırakma bizi

Give out a sound, don’t, don’t leave a mark

ses ver

Give out a sound

ses ver

Give out a sound

Yeminler ettim ve çok konuştum

I swore, I talked a lot of

Döndüm bir baktım, hiçbir şey söylememişim

I looked back, I haven’t said anything

Eğer her şey bitiyorsa bitsin artık yokluğunda

If everything ends let it already end in your abscence

I like the poetry in these two songs. The remembering, the forgetting, the presence, the absence all make sense to me in quite a vivid way. “If everything ends let it already end in your abscence”- it may be the absence of a person – a loved one, but I can treat it also as the absence of something more abstract or materialistic that used to be close, that used to be a part of myself. Just giving out a sound, coz inside it’s so chaotic that you sometimes feel not to express, but you should shout. Looking back, you could have done otherwise, everything shall pass.

I also like some turkish rap. I think Ceza is probably the most popular and I like the song “Suspus”.

Göz gözü görmüyor hep pus
No one can see each others, it’s all haze

Takipteler ses etme sus

They’re following, don’t make sound, shush

Bir vakit donmuştu beynim

My brain has freezed once

Düzlükteyken bitmiş seyrim

My journey has ended on the level

Göz gözü görmüyor hep pus

No one can see each others, it’s all haze

Takipteler ses etme sus

They’re following, don’t make sound, shush

Durma git enerjini kus

Go ahead and discharge your energy

Zaten çok soğuk etraf buz

It is already too cold, freezing

Hiç yalan der misin a ah

Do you tell lies? no..

Pek dert dinler misin a ah

Do you listen to others troubles? no..

Ya bayat yer misin a ah

Do you eat stale? no..

İnsan seçer misin a ah

Do you discriminate people? no..

Dikkatli izlersen anlarsın haklı megatron

If you pay attention, you’ll see that Megatron is right

Bende ghillie kevlar-mythril, sende sade bir kat krom

I have a Ghillie Kevlar-mythril, you have only one layer of chromium

Zaten tekim, çıplak gezsem n’olur, her gün dekatlon

I’m a lone ranger, what happens if I walk naked, everyday is another decathlon

Hep dikenli tel etrafımda, kendi kendimeyim her gün sor bir

Barbed wire all around me, I’m on my own everyday, ask me one time

Hep diken diken gel bir gör

It’s all barb, come and see one time

Tıkandı kaldı bak her bir form

Look, every form is choked up

Kırıntıların arasında kaldım, adı konsun artık

I stayed between crumbs, it needs a name now

Hadi konsomatrisim ol, her sokakta beni bulmak zor

Let’s be my B-girl, it’s hard to find me in every on streets

Sıkılanlardan mısın ya da ıkınanlardan mısın?

Are you from the bored ones or stretched ones?

Kulağına dandik müzik takılanlardansın

You are from the ones wear dud music in their ears.

Ama kusura bakma yapılacak hiçbir şey yok

Sorry but there’s nothing to do.

Hızlı söyleyen ben değilim yavaş dinleyen sizlersiniz hep

I’m not fast, you are the one listening too slow always

Yavaş söylesem anlayacakmış gibi konuşuyor, şuna baksana kek

Look at that fool, he is talking like he’d understand if I speak slowly

Altına bez, al sana test, iki kere iki Ceza eder net

Here a napkin for you, here a test for you, two times two equal Ceza, yes

Birikiminiz ile bir bardak bile dolmaz, öğrenebildin mi veled?

Your savings cannot fill up even a glass, haven’t you learnt that, you brat?

Rap harekettir ve de politiktir

Rap is the motion and it is political

Bunu hazmedemiyor isen hassiktir

Fuck off, if you can’t swallow it

Duvarda hit-list, çoğunuz misfit

On the wall hit-list, many of you are misfits

Karalarım her yeri sen gene hit this

I scratch everywhere, you is again “hit this”

Bilmiyorsan sus, yaralara tuz bas, karalara ayak ile herkese

Shut up if you don’t know, press salt in the wounds,

Kumpas kur bak, uzaktan head shot.Zaten…

Machinate to everyone, look, head shot from far away. Already

Göz gözü görmüyor hep pus

No one can see each others, it’s all haze

Takipteler ses etme sus

They’re following, don’t make sound, shush

Bir vakit donmuştu beynim

My brain has freezed once

Düzlükteyken bitmiş seyrim

My journey has ended on the level

Göz gözü görmüyor hep pus

No one can see each others, it’s all haze

Takipteler ses etme sus

They’re following, don’t make sound, shush

Ceza’s voice in this song gives me strength. I think this song talks about the fuzzy nature in our society where we are all shielded, confused about our journey of life. But in the end, he recommends to say “Fuck off” to all bullshits because every form is choked up and you should discharge everything you got.

 

Why I feel what I feel?

22nd January, 2017. I’m here on a sunday just sitting on my couch thinking incessantly. It’s calm and quiet outside in this cold cloudy winter morning but I wish it was calmer and quieter inside me. I was thinking about how we feel. When I woke up day before yesterday, I felt resentful, hostile; yesterday when I woke up, I felt somewhat afraid, somewhat neutral and today now that I am awake, I am feeling analytical, bit hopeful. I can dig deeper and always using causality relationship, can approximately analyze what happened the last night or last day and bring a reason for my feeling such and such. On a certain moment, there’s various feelings I can feel. I can feel differently for a same incident which means that I can not give a definitive answer for why I feel what I feel. But there’s definitely two big sets of good and bad feelings. I may be able to categorize my feelings as good feelings versus bad. As our emotional, psychic or spiritual interests go, we tend to crave for good feelings but who will disagree that most of the time you are just craving for it and what you really have are complications inside you. But whenever I feel now a days that cravings, I banish myself asking – who told me that I need to feel good, weren’t my bad days were the days that pushed me to change myself. But is it the hope then for a good day that pushes you through your bad day? And when good day comes, you try to celebrate and you get the justification for all your struggle. But are all lucky that way? What if your struggle never stops and you never succeed. So, is there any alternative to this hope based model for living? I certainly based my life on my hopes and dreams. And I can tell you when your hopes and dreams are destroyed, you will feel to cease yourself. This model constantly requires you to be resilient, requires you to create new hope and new dreams when all your old hopes and old dreams are gone. But the problem is you may sometimes have deep attachment with some of these which may be very crucial for your existence. Life is cruel, life is full of struggle, so I don’t think any static model can give answers to all problems in every kind of circumstance perpetually. The complexity of life requires constant awareness and inspection and the ability to change.  What is that brought dissatisfaction to life? Oops, that’s such a big question, right? Isn’t it that you want something and you fail to achieve it is what that causes all discomfort? So, your desire is the cause of your sufferings then? That’s why people go to solitary places, monks confine themselves in caves, an urban monk detaches himself from everything surrounding him- at least tries to, so all are to try to not desire or at least not to desire for some time being? Because our knowledge of our psychology shows that you can not use your logic against strong deceptions, illusions. I have watched several TED videos now on predictable irrationality, cognitive influence and it’s well-known, you just can’t avoid being deluded, influenced. So, what you subject yourself to will influence you and will lead you. Now, when you ride a horse, in every turn you pull so that your horse can choose the right direction, but when there are no turns sometimes you just let your horse ride by its own. Do you really always want to control your emotion? You don’t. Because then you will miss a lot but also you don’t want to get lost either, you don’t want to feel deceived either. So, you have to watch your steps sometimes. I was feeling to sum up a lot of other thoughts but I will keep it short today as I will have to go. There’s always something else that tide me over.