I feel like I am a bag of emotions. This emotional roller coaster is not something that I dislike, but sometimes I just get confused about myself. Because I don’t know why I should be feeling what I am feeling. I start it new, then it gets old too soon. I know that I can pinpoint the root of each branch of my gigantic emotional tree, but some leaves just outgrow and outgrow and make me feel like I have nothing to say about my own journey. But why do I even feel to say? So, I let them grow, but then I feel boggled. I feel scared unnecessarily. I know the origin of fear, I know the outcome of fear, I know the future of fear, but still, the fear is there which is redundant. I know it’s all about being an open door through which things will pass. The moment you try to catch, you yourself are caught. I doubt my feelings all the time, maybe I just couldn’t find a better word than doubt here. Maybe a better way to say is that I want to judge my feelings, but then that’s probably not a good idea? Then why do I do it after knowing this is something I can’t comprehend. Maybe I didn’t learn anything so far, maybe it will be like this forever, and I will have to just go through, pass through, write through and dig through every morning like I am doing. It’s like having self within self within self and ad infinitum. I know that I can not choose and pick just the ones I like. But the desire to stay unsullied, remain on a path is probably a struggle as there are so many paths to choose.
All I did is just I walked. I started from my home and I walked to the coffee shop, then I walked again and I reached the destination. But these few minutes my mind has roamed the entire universe of my emotional tree. It’s like reflecting a zillion of light all at once towards me, but all I wanted is to just walk without feeling anything. All I hoped that I would just bathe in the sunshine of the morning and my mind will just not let me do that. And I know why, and I know everything. But as I tell myself always knowing doesn’t help and in fact trap me more. So, I scream like Led Zeppelin, that you can not hold me find my stairway to heaven. And I will create new rules and then I will be chained under my own jail again. And I live.