You and I – 5

I: I think I am full of superiority complex. I have this condescension and self-righteousness as I can see through. And why won’t I? I feel disgusted when I can see the stupid self-destructive actions people take. Why are people so stupid?

You: It’s an illusion. You come from what you have experienced. You may know certain things more. But you don’t know, can not know everything as you have not experienced everything. You only know your life and you see everything through your lens. You may be right in terms of what is to be done right, but you have no clue why they might not have been understanding what you understand.

I: I hate to fail.

You: It’s ok if you fail now. Accept the failure. It does not mean “You are THE FAILURE”.

I: I hate deadlines.

You: Deadlines are there so that you can enjoy the freedom afterward. Ultimately you are free and there is no rush. But don’t you want to accomplish things in life? If you do, then deadlines are your friends.

I: Is my physical experience that important?

You: Your physical appearance, experience are important. Because your mind lives inside your physical body.

I: Why am I so much bothered by the physical cravings – hunger for food, sex etc? They are killing me.

You: They are your physical needs which need to be dealt with for your mind to keep engaged and flourish. Neglecting them, you will starve yourself and feeling starved your mind will not let you who you can truly become.

I: Aren’t physical appearances just the way to attract other people?

You: Yes, but it depends on how you look. Our reality is that we already live in a society. You won’t be who you are if your parents wouldn’t raise you properly, if your closed ones wouldn’t love and take care of you. However, attracting other people may not be the final goal of life. Therefore, if you are in a place where your physical appearance is harming your mental peace- like if you are fat and feel shame, you are creating a problem for your own self. There are things you can try to reconcile with. You need to think about your priorities – what you really care about. But you need to believe that you can change. You should be able to hope. You are more than your body and your mind. So say when you feel vulnerable “I am not just my body. I am not just my mind either.”

I: What do you think about minimalistic life- making everything simple, possessing few things?

You: It might help you stay away from debt or pay off your debt. Letting redundant things go can save yourself from taking unnecessary burdens Depending on how you do it, it can be adventurous. You can be a digital nomad or an urban nomad. You can travel around, make more friends and have some exciting experiences. But you need to be brave and be ready to be surprised constantly and be prepared for dangerous experiences too.

Image courtesy:

You and I – 2

You and I – 1 :

I: It’s snowing outside.

You: Yeah, it’s beautiful how everything is covered.

I: What do you think about “Deja Vu”?

You: Like you feel that it happened before?

I: Yeah, it’s been happening to me quite a lot. And it makes me feel bored.

You: But, does that matter though? What’s wrong with experiencing it again? Is the desire to constantly be in a new situation the best for our psyche?

I: I don’t know. That’s what everybody is up to. Isn’t it? New is exciting- they say.

You: That’s the problem I think. If you can’t perceive every moment as new, rather always perceive it as a reincarnated old, then you are just living inside your mind too much, circling and ultimately destined to diminish into a point of meaninglessness.

I: You are right. Every moment is a new one. It’s a perception issue, but the issue is real. The boredom is inevitably there to drown.

You: Well, then you recognized it.

I: But it doesn’t help though.

You: Maybe it will. Hope is necessary.

I: You want to play with snow?

You: Sure. As you know, you will really be playing with yourself.

I: I have seen some beautiful pictures of places. I really want to go visit them when I can.

You: Nice. What kind?

I: Mostly beautiful natural places. Most of the time there are some beautiful people waving or walking or doing something. It’s just refreshing to see. I guess it will be great to be there for real breathing the air near the ocean, over the mountain, through the valley, highways.

You: Yeah, escaping creates the euphoria. Maybe for good.

I: I know.

You: You remember that you wanted to know about love?

I: Yes. What about it?

You: Do you think there’s an ocean of love or a sky of love?

I: I will choose air over water. Just a preference. I don’t know how to swim.

You: You don’t know how to fly either. At least you can learn to swim.

I: You see, you are too pragmatic. In my imagination, I want to fly. I don’t crave to dive into the water.

You: Right you are! You want things that you can not have. Just saying..

I: Good. Now I am pissed.

You: Haha. Like you always are.

(to be continued ..)

Friday evening uncertainties

Feeling very disconnected. Don’t know for exactly why. Actually I perhaps know what may be the case. That’s why I am writing. I don’t know what I will call my current state. Is it boredom? Is it laziness? None of them seem to be right. Am I feeling impulsive? Am I seeking to get high? Impulsed? Who knows? This is a weird state. Is it withdrawal? May be. I am trying to leave some bad habits. I know how this works? I am feeling restless. That’s normal. Or is it? Feeling calm is hard. But I want to be energized, funny, happy. May be these desires are the problem? Don’t know. Will it make me happy to get drunk? I know for sure I don’t want to be in the crowd of known people. I want to get lost. I want to be missing. Do I have something to hide? May be. That’s the problem of putting yourself too much out there. Eventually, in my case, I want to hide. Do I need touch from a woman? Am I lacking love? Surely I do. Why am I so needy? May be. I wish I could be desireless sometimes. But again without desire, you can’t really feel. Or can you? I had a great conversation during the noon with one of my friends. We were talking about subjectivity and objectivity. We were talking about how may be over time people are learning to view things more objectively than judging everything subjectively. I don’t quite agree with him. But it was nice talking. I was trying to say that everything is subjective. But may be I was wrong. May be I didn’t understand him properly. My point was if everything we are sensing, experiencing and judging, then all our perceptions are subjective. But then our perceptions are very non-static and we can not really generalize. But why do we need to even generalize? I just searched about subjective and objective reality. This is what I found in a thread about objectivity:

Objectivity: Observational state of mind without emotional attachment.  One is focusing upon objects or experience with  little sense of self in relation to what is being experienced, and the experience is not creating an active emotional response from that person, which if often preferable when discernment is required.

Subjectivity: One derives information via referencing themselves and how they are being effected by the world.  The experience contains the information of our own thoughts and feelings to identify with the experience.

But then this is what I found. And this is what I was trying to say to my friend:

All states of consciousness are mind.  Everything is mind.   Even the material world is mind frequency slowed down to a third dimensional frequency, which gives the illusion of ‘solid matter’.  Yet, all objects were first thoughts.  All experiences were first thoughts.  The material world is just the result of previous thinking. Therefore, all reality is SUBJECTIVE.

Even objectivity is a subjective experience as we must interpret that which we observe in order to respond to it.

I think I can not say better. Feeling slightly better now. 🙂

A conversation without conclusion

(scene: Student standing at the front of Professor’s office. Thinking about knocking.)

(knock knock)

Professor: Come in. Take a seat.

Student: Thank you. How are you Professor?

Professor: I’m doing well. How are you? You seem a little bit disturbed. How may I help you?

Student (bit nervous) : Yeah! You are right. I am. It’s the end of the semester and also the course.  I really want to thank you for doing a great job in teaching some really difficult concepts. But… But. I came here to talk something that I am really unhappy about, somewhat different if you are interested. I respect your time.

Professor (With smile in his face, stood up, moved the curtain to allow more light through the window into the nicely arranged well-scented room full of books in the shelves and some green plants in the corner, came back, took a seat in a more relaxed mood and smiled) : Yes. What is it?

Student (now bit confident) : Though I am a big fan of your teaching style in class, I am quite disappointed with the evaluation process. Actually.. I am upset with not only how you evaluate students, but actually how we are evaluated in schools in general. I am quite upset about it. I was thinking a lot, and I felt like to have some perspective from someone who is executing these process. Is it okay if I ask you some questions?

Professor: Ok.

Student (He opened his bag, brought out his exam paper which have been already scored): As you can see I scored very low. But I didn’t come here to talk about my scores. I definitely did very bad in the exam. But do you think I don’t understand the topics?

Professor: That’s hard to tell. Given that you are way below the average, as you can see there are more than half of the students  who performed better than you in the exam.

Student: Yes. Exactly. So, an exam is about performance then. Performing on this specific questions that you have put during a fixed time, right?

Professor: Yes. Definitely. But because it touches different topics that I taught in the class and you did in the assignments, if you can answer them correctly,  that means you have command over those topics.

Student: Ideally yes. I agree. But I think you know that you also have some patterns in putting same questions in the exam. One of the questions are just a little bit of modification of last year exams. And students who solved those questions, I know, are the students who are the high scorers. So, before exams, preparing for the exam is necessary which, for most of the students, mean to solve past year questions. But even, that is not what I came to talk about. Now that we all have scores, half of them are below average and half are above. What is it measuring actually? Does it not just tell that the students with high scores practiced more than the others? Does it really reflect how much we have learnt from your teaching?

Professor: Yes. But practice is also very important. If you don’t practice, you forget what you have learnt.

Student: So, when we get a bad score, what exactly we should feel? I am confused about it. I think I can regret about not practicing more. But I think I started also doubting about my knowledge itself. And I think you also doubt that I haven’t learnt much given this score only. And I think that is not true. I reviewed the topics and I think I understand them very well. It’s just that I didn’t prepare myself for performing good in the exam. Exams just don’t drive me. I hate going in one hour exam rooms. I freak out. It’s like sports, football or baseball or soccer. All players in both teams know how to score a goal in a soccer game, but one team eventually wins based on their performance. But you need to have two teams in the first place for one team to lose for sure, if not draw. Yeah, not that always the same team is gonna win. And if the loser team gives a good fight, people will also appreciate. But I think we all know a win is a win, a loss is a loss. After even the hardest fight, the loser feels emotionally devastated. That loss might make him work even harder to not do the same mistake and win eventually in future in one hand, or completely destroy his confidence. And these two scenario vary a lot based on individuals. But I am not talking about the game itself. Each game is set up in a way to determine the winner and cheer for them and make the loser sob and weep. Isn’t it? So then is education in schools are also like games. Finding and sorting out winners? Making a good resume? Showing how much you have performed? Being a winner in life? Then if that is the case, you need a looser on the other hand. Someone needs to be defeated, someone needs to lose to have the perception of winning for the winner and others. Is it not then set up for some to lose?

Professor(now raised his eyebrow, thinking.., taking his time): Hmm. Then how else you propose to evaluate?

Student: I don’t know. I just can see something is wrong here. Is everybody incapable of seeing it? Or, are they just happy with what it is? And I even didn’t bring out so many personal, emotional reality a person might have been going through during the time of his performance.

Professor: That is why we sometimes do open book exams or take home exams. The whole point is to make you, students, work hard to learn more. If you didn’t have an exam, you wouldn’t work hard, right?

Student: But you are missing my point. If the ultimate goal is to learn, we are all learning. Some who have interest for some specific material or some who just want to perform really well or some who want to win, is going to perform better. But the evaluation tag that you put on everyone, that tells very less and very void of what the ultimate purpose it should be. Sometimes I feel like may be you all are too lazy to change things for us. Or may be just want us to go through the same grinder you have gone through. But you don’t realize the world outside is so different than the world you have experienced in your age. May be you just want the same world.

Professor: Hmm. I can’t say you are not right.

Student: You are driving us for what professor? You want me to solve the differential equations, the other professor wants me to draw a large heart of an amphibia, the other one wants me to measure the percentage of water in the rock, you criticize us when we are not accurate, when we make mistake. It seems like you all know everything, want us to know more, and don’t want to do mistake. But then we just feel like being dragged, pressured. My friend is leaving school, don’t know what he wants to do. My other friend had her parents divorced on the day of final exam. If you open the google news today, the absolute buffoon Donald J Trump wins the election. What is going on? Why does everything seem so wrong, if we or you know everything for so sure.

Professor: Don’t you think you are thinking too much?

Student: Yes, I am Professor. Yes I am. Thanks for listening.

(Student leaves and the Professor starts thinking..)