How I got lost in The Wind-up bird Chronicle..

I just finished reading Haruki Murakami’s “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle”. Just wrote my experience as my review on goodreads:

In short “A genuinely outstanding experience”. This is how I read it- I started on Thursday. I finished on Monday and I don’t know what went on in this world in between. I think just like Mr. Wind-up bird, I was stuck in my own well as I was recovering from my own darkness. I could see through the events like they were happening right within me. I got terrorized, I got shaken, I got enthusiastic, I was trying to find my baseball bat to find the strength in me. I was trying to find meaning, I was trying to find solace, but I was just being thrown into even more void, but eventually, I was feeling stronger and stronger; braver and braver. I could know love in a much more deeper place in my heart, I could learn how to let go, I could learn how to be not afraid amidst big walls that are suffocating me. I can replay the entrance and exit of each character on the scenes of my mental stage. Some were pushing me, some were pulling me. And in the end, I was wound up. But I think I discovered more than ever at the same time.



I gave them the gun,

And they dropped me dead.

My eyes were wide and open

To see the void of affection in their face.

The short interval between

The triggering and the bullet reaching my heart

Cut all the ties and kill everything vague;

Between that very moment

And all that is rest.


I wonder how easy it is to be swept away

from the brightness to the jungle of nothingness.

Time is a puzzle that I still can’t solve.

It comes, it swerves, it slides;

It twists and then it vanishes

From my inside and out.


I remember those wild nights

That made me brave;

Just when the bullet was touching me

To drop me dead.

I realized only then my fate,

But I’ll live forever

In the air and in the ears

I can bet.



Picture source: Immortal Knight by Rassouli from

Bag of Emotions

I feel like I am a bag of emotions. This emotional roller coaster is not something that I dislike, but sometimes I just get confused about myself. Because I don’t know why I should be feeling what I am feeling. I start it new, then it gets old too soon. I know that I can pinpoint the root of each branch of my gigantic emotional tree, but some leaves just outgrow and outgrow and make me feel like I have nothing to say about my own journey. But why do I even feel to say? So, I let them grow, but then I feel boggled. I feel scared unnecessarily. I know the origin of fear, I know the outcome of fear, I know the future of fear, but still, the fear is there which is redundant. I know it’s all about being an open door through which things will pass. The moment you try to catch, you yourself are caught. I doubt my feelings all the time, maybe I just couldn’t find a better word than doubt here. Maybe a better way to say is that I want to judge my feelings, but then that’s probably not a good idea? Then why do I do it after knowing this is something I can’t comprehend. Maybe I didn’t learn anything so far, maybe it will be like this forever, and I will have to just go through, pass through, write through and dig through every morning like I am doing.  It’s like having self within self within self and ad infinitum. I know that I can not choose and pick just the ones I like. But the desire to stay unsullied, remain on a path is probably a struggle as there are so many paths to choose.

All I did is just I walked. I started from my home and I walked to the coffee shop, then I walked again and I reached the destination. But these few minutes my mind has roamed the entire universe of my emotional tree. It’s like reflecting a zillion of light all at once towards me, but all I wanted is to just walk without feeling anything. All I hoped that I would just bathe in the sunshine of the morning and my mind will just not let me do that. And I know why, and I know everything. But as I tell myself always knowing doesn’t help and in fact trap me more. So, I scream like Led Zeppelin, that you can not hold me find my stairway to heaven. And I will create new rules and then I will be chained under my own jail again. And I live.

Cloud number nine

My idiosyncrasy, romanticism and living in the dreams – may be I have learnt these the first time I listened to cloud number nine and summer of 69 back in 11th grade. Still feels so new, still gives me the same summer excitement. And here I am counting clouds again. I wish all my summers are as bright as this one.
The one and only Bryan Adams and his peculiar voice. I will dedicate my whole day listening to him. 😊 The moon is up and the stars are bright.

And cloud number nine:

Clue number one was when you knocked on my door
Clue number two was the look that you wore
And that’s when I knew, it was a pretty good sign
That something was wrong up on cloud number nine

Well it’s a long way up and we won’t come down tonight
Well it may be wrong but baby it sure feels right

And the moon is out and the stars are bright
And whatever comes it’s gonna be alright
‘Cause tonight you will be mine, up on cloud number nine
And there ain’t no place that I’d rather be
And we can’t go back but you’re here with me
Yeah, the weather is really fine, up on cloud number nine

Now he hurt you and you hurt me
And that wasn’t the way it was supposed to be
So baby tonight let’s leave the world behind
And spend some time up on cloud number nine

Well it’s a long way up and we won’t come down tonight
Well it may be wrong but baby it sure feels right

And the moon is out and the stars are bright
And whatever comes it’s gonna be alright
‘Cause tonight you will be mine, up on cloud number nine
And there ain’t no place that I’d rather be
And we can’t go back but you’re here with me
Yeah, the weather is really fine, up on cloud number nine

Well we won’t come down tonight
Ya we won’t come down tonight
No we won’t come down tonight ‘Cause the moon is out and the stars are bright
And whatever comes it’s gonna be alright
‘Cause tonight you will be mine, up on cloud number nine
And there ain’t no place that I’d rather be
And we can’t go back but you’re here with me
Yeah, the weather is really fine, up on cloud number nine

Yeah, we can watch the world go by, up on cloud number nine

#music #cloudnumbernine #summer

They grew the porcupine tree in my heart.

I’m obsessed with this porcupine tree song. And I have no doubt. There’s always experiences which grow on you. I’m lost in the ocean of my thoughts. I see but I want to close my eyes. And here I am drawing the line.

Camphor crossed with lace, it is the witching hour
Climatic but crude
Teasing all my feelings out, you move away
It seems so natural to you.

Still siren, climbing up the victory tower
Like there’s something left to prove
I trap the beads of sweat that run between my eyes
And free the fever to move.

I’m drawing the line, I’m drawing the line
And I have my pride
I’m taking control, I’m taking control
And I save my soul
And I have no doubt.

#porcupinetree #explore #melancholy

Meaningless or meaningful?

“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.” Guess what !! Nietzsche is almost always right. And Westworld is blowing me again and again. Just watched the recent episodes. Had to dig some explanations to really understand.
Nietzsche writes that man’s problem “was not suffering itself, but that there was no answer to the crying question, ‘why do I suffer’ … The meaninglessness of suffering, not suffering itself, was the curse that lay over mankind so far—”
Natural selection is optimized for survival, not enjoyment. Once you understand that, an awful lot of stuff makes sense.
No wonder we behave in ways that make us miserable — so long as we pass our genes on, our misery is of no account.
Nietzsche’s implication is that you cannot survive meaningless suffering unless you can find meaning. Finding meaning means the creation of values that structure life and make it possible to live in spite of “the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune”. That’s how religion, desire, goals, accomplishment, sense of enlightenment – everything has originated ultimately.
(Some cut paste from agnostic and youtube.)
But profound. Isn’t it?

Sadness is about feeling aloof from the sweetness,

Sadness is about failing to filter the joy of life through the bitterness,

Sadness is about trying to escape

Sadness is about being unable to let go

Sadness is about not being desired

Sadness is about feeling afraid

Sadness is about feeling invisible in the crowd

Sadness is about not accepting the very own insignificance

Sadness is about feeling ignored

Sadness is about feeling powerless and miserable

Sadness is about trying to hold onto everything

Sadness is about burning inside

Sadness is about feeling shy to cry

Sadness is about missing and roaming in the pockets of memory

Sadness is about getting caught in a maze

Sadness is about getting stuck in the darkness

Sadness is about failing to see the light

Sadness is about isolation

Sadness is about getting lost


Happiness is about feeling the sensation of a warm coffee cup

Happiness is about kissing the lips without contradictions

Happiness is about getting naked under the moonlight

Happiness is about being silly in the crowd

Happiness is about kicking the nightmares

Happiness is about not feeling afraid

Happiness is about feeling secured

Happiness is about feeling recognized, feeling important

Happiness is about lighting the fire

Happiness is about dancing with the wind

Happiness is about taking a deep breath without fear

Happiness is about feeling empowered

Happiness is about finding the path towards brightness

Happiness is about making friendly calls

Happiness is about embracing everyone

Happiness is about rediscovering ownself

Happiness is about getting discovered


Both just happen to us.

Both are unreal.

But we are real.

Some thoughts and conversations on Veganism

I had some heated conversation over this Earthling Ed video. Just sharing my thoughts.

Just imagine(not necessarily hypothetical), one day an intelligent and superior alien species conquer the earth and enslave all human being. And a 25 year old Alien who loves human meat says “I wish a perfectly cooked human flesh and human tongue and liver wasn’t so delicious. I know they feel when we throw them on the slaughter house but ooh.. I cant stop having pleasure from eating my delicious food. Yummy.” This is why morality is objective. You try to approach a scenario by putting your ownself in there. The assumption that you are superior and thus you can abuse is morally wrong. Now whether you want to be moral or not is totally up to you. But you are being immoral by killing sentient being is a fact.

The problem is you can not feed meat or dairy products through milk etc. to the 7 billion people on earth by having cattle farm everywhere, ultimately you will have to have animal farming. My grandma own couple cattle farms and I grew up playing with them. So, definitely having a cattle farm is way better and more ethical. But veganism is more like a movement where vegans are making a statement that “in our modern world we can perfectly live and breath by having plant based diet, and we have no necessity to live on meat based protein and put these mammals, reptiles, our fellow creatures in to pain just for our pleasure of taste in the tongue.” It’s hard to teach morality, isn’t it? We used to have slaves and beat the hell out of them, rape slave women just few years ago.. and it was perfectly legal, vouched by religious scriptures.. that’s why a simple moral test is always asking yourself before doing the action “Would you like that to happen to yourself?” That’s where compassion and humanism and a better world origin from.

So..point valid everywhere.. even in a new dimensional world or even in the deep past or even in present.

Aren’t plants as living beings feel pain too… double standards?

These are common things been said towards veganism which just indicates how little people think or know about life and biology. Plant does not have brain and central nervous system. Mammals are not the same as reptilians and amphibians, reptilians are not the same as fungi or plants. There’s a hierarchy in the mechanism of pain. A crocodile or a hippopotamus won’t feel anything on their thick skin if you punch hard, but try that on a human or a dog or a cow. What is pain is a neurological question. What is suffering is a cosmic consciousness question. Yes, plants suffer, but do plants feel pain on the same level a mamal brain which evolved over 500 million years in the 4.8 billion year old history of earth? The answer is no. It’s plain biology and you need to read some literature on the evolution of pain and what nervous centres actually cause it. One intuition I can give, if a person is paralyzed in one leg, you can try punching, pinning, he won’t feel pain from there. But definitely on the consciousness level, plants suffer as they have life. So, I understand where you are coming from. In an ideal buddhist world, they prefer not even killing plants. If I would be able to survive well without killing plants, I actually would prefer to do that as that’s what the same moral code suggests. What I mean by that is that if you are in a living condition, where you no longer have other option but to kill an animal, morally you are right to kill for your survival. So, you couldn’t be a vegan in antarctica or arctic sea where your only option is some seals and fishes. So, morality also definitely depends on cultural evolution and understanding, but on a very firm and simple objective which is “How can we reduce suffering and pain in the world as it is apparently not pleasant”. Hope that answers your doubt. But also read more about what I am saying in philosophy and biology and earth and human history. You don’t need to take my words! Let’s be compassionate as we have reached far and are truly progressing towards a compassionate world little by little amidst all the bullshits, wars and nightmares. And innocent animals can be included in your circle of compassion too..  😉

“Thanks for the short budhist training. But no, it is still your view of the world and it’s valid but so is mine.
I decided to put and limit my moral compass on human’s feelings and suffering I have little feelings for unknown rabbits living in a random cave in India.
I guess your philosophy will be more telling for individualistic monk in a spiritual quest trying to feel compassion in everyone and everything in the universe (ironically so often excluding his/her close family). That’s one way to live a life but certainly not the best way if there is one.”

Yep, totally valid question. No, the wolves are not immoral because wolves don’t understand morality, wolves don’t have the ethical evolution about what it means to be right or wrong. That’s one way of answering it. Another answer is wolves are carnivorous, they can only eat meat, they can’t live on plants. But the giant apes, our ancestors, chimpanzees, bonobos, gorillas, orangotans are 95% herbivorous, and only 5% carnivours meaning they sometimes enjoy meat or insects. So, we are actually omnivorous, but we are more herbivorous than carnivorous.. we forcefully are evolving ourselves to becoming carnivorous. You can see in the literature of medical science, how carcinozens cause cancer, what’s the main root of heart disease etc. But anyway, you can totally have a healthy carnivorous diet. So, from the morality standpoint, wolves haven’t written books on morality, wolves haven’t understoon peace, they don’t held nobel peace prize conference. Now whether some people are like wolves, definitely they are.. 😉 whether it’s better to be like a peaceful bonobo than a violent chimpanzee, I think that leads towards a peaceful society. Whether you use atomic energy to bring power plants, versus whether you nuke hiroshima.. we totally have the choice of both. But we understand from physical pain/suffering perspective and also from the empirical evidence from the past, what causes less suffering to life..

“And if your logic is applied to the current world veganism is still a luxury morality which is my main point.
It cannot be universal at least in the present state of the world.
I will leave it here since I can smell that this topic passionates you to the maximum. Hope we’ll have more time to discuss. I’d like to have a deeper understanding of budhism from someone who practice it on a daily basis. 😉”

Whether others are not doing anything to bring less suffering shouldn’t prevent you. If you can be luxarious in the right direction, then be it. May be Einstein had the luxury to think about gravitational pull, theory of relativity when most people were just pulling carts in the world. So are other scientists.. Guess what, that brought everything we enjoy today, including me texting on fb on internet. So are most of the peace prize winners, when nobody cared, they gave their sweats to bring fairness in the world. They weren’t always right. After all we are fallible human beings. But if our intuition tells that something should be done to reduce suffering of animals, and if it’s just to sacrificing my eating habit a little, I will do. And you are right. These are luxurious, but somebody had to do it. If they wouldn’t the world would still be the barbaric world from the past where we would be roaming around on horses with swords or guns in both sides of our cowboy pants and would totally chop heads every time some one argue with us. Haha.. I hope you get the point. Definitely luxurious, but what you understand to be right is always in your hand to be executed immediately. You always have the choice not to do either and flow with the usual tide. After all forcing morality on to others is also immoral which is paradoxical, now I am playing word games.. haha. 🙂

Breathing in an agnostic life

We love to hang out with other people. We love to feel safe. If we don’t have friends, if we feel rejected, if we feel unsafe, unimportant, we feel to die and in the extreme level, some take the decision to suicide. It doesn’t always need to have a religious origin as both religious and non-religious people suicide. For example, the suicide rate in Japan or Sweden (highly non-religious) is very high. But it’s easily understandable why a non-religious person can feel secluded, feel rejected, feel unsafe, feel unimportant in a religious community. So, for a non-religious person, just being non-religious, being knowledgeable about science and facts are not enough, they need to develop self-love, need to develop high interpersonal skills which go beyond anybody’s religiosity, may be need to try to be less argumentative and understandable about irrational human mind and psychology. It doesn’t matter what other people are determined of doing if you know very well about your own determination. But that requires a strong will power that takes time to develop and I know a lot of people, even myself very often don’t or can’t have it. But I strongly stand by these existentialistic/nihilistic/stoicist approach towards life that I learnt from Sartre, Neitzsche, Kahlil Gibran and other philoshophers. And I hope to continue to learn and grow and live amidst differences of all kinds with a smile in my face. So, it’s not sin at all to trust and value your own strength.

If you are not always thinking about God or Agnosticism/Atheism all the time, if you are the person who will not be bothered by every single religious bullshit you hear and can just lightly ignore the shallow talks to focus on good interpersonal relationship based on momentary smiles and joys, if you are involved with some of the plenty of fun activities like sports, dance, dining, kayaking, hiking, biking, running, video games, book reading, blogging, vlogging, cooking, yoga, arts, music and are willing to know passionate people who are involved with these activities and can share their passion, I don’t see why you won’t be able to subside the religiosity or religious conversation. And I don’t know how even a religious people can avoid such an interesting person like you. So, be interesting, be fun, be friendly, talk important things with those who may understand the importance, you will never be out of friends. But still you will often feel lonely like I am feeling in this morning coz I am far away from my family and haven’t met them for over 4 years and lots of other personal issues and insecurities. But I know I will move my ass to make my day as fun as possible. I make my day and I try hardest not to allow anyone to ruin my moments and my peace of mind even if they try hard. And I can tell you that most of my religious friends don’t dislike me, if not love me. Only one life we got. Enjoy with everyone ! And those can’t appreciate who you are after all these, why will we even waste a single bit of seconds thinking about them? We do because we are human, but may be we should not sometimes and let those feelings leave.

A life of an intelligent beautiful girl you can save


Fundraising Page on Facebook:

A life of an intelligent beautiful girl you can save

Hey fellow bloggers, let’s save the life of a girl. Definitely you have a big heart and a compassionate shoulder and you can help. This intelligent girl is dying because of cancer (Acute Myeloblastic Leukemia). Her name is Rafa. You can see her innocently smiling on the left of the cover picture of the fundraising page. But then you will feel very sad seeing her terribly struggling with cancer in the right side of the picture. 😦 She is a cousin of my dear friend. She is quite intelligent. She is actually a medical college student at a private Medical college, who in future, if alive, will become a doctor who will probably save and help hundreds other lives. But she is struggling with her own life now.


We already got our first donation from a very special person. 🙂 Keep sharing and posting. I will update with the progress we made. I had contact with the girls family today via messenger and they are extremely happy that we initiated this. I told her to keep smiling. Hope you can help us. M Rezaur Rahman Anup Sarkar

It requires around 100,000 USD to have the bone marrow transplant operation. Her dad already spent 30,000 USD and is being totally unable to collect rest of the money which is required to have the operation. And therefore, they are in dire need of any help you can provide.

So, let me do the math.. if around
70,000 USD = 7000 * 10 = 700 * 100 = 70 * 1000 = 14,000 * 5 = 70,000 * 1

If only 14,000 people donate 5 $, or 7000 people donate 10 $ or 700 people donate 100 $ on average, or any combination above, that makes it enough to save a life that will live and breathe and enjoy all the great things we enjoy in life. And may be she will turn out to be a really good one among us with all the love she will get from all of you. Are you willing to donate even at least a dollar? I know, people from other places are also collecting money, so I am setting a smaller goal from this page which I may change if there’s more interest in helping the beautiful Rafa.

If not, would you be willing to share this post so that it can reach as many people as possible?

Let me know if you can even help with any small or big amount. If you want to know more about this kid, and other information, please contact me, M Rezaur Rahman Anup Sarkar

Money handling transparency: The collected money in the bank account will be transparently shown to all donators. additionally a Google spreadsheet will be kept for money coming from sources other than Facebook.…/1DrV9JLPDFd-dSMJEmSEGn27ESk…/edit…

Ultimately the money will be sent to the bank account of the father of the girl you can see in the cover picture. Later updates will be posted pre and post operation of the girl. We hope to see the girl smile again.