So I was crossing the road. I was in this side. And the guy was in the other side. It wasn’t a crowdy crossing. At that very moment no car was passing by. But the “walk” sign was still not showing up. There were two, three more passers by just came to the other side of the crossing. I decided to cross the road and the other guy decided not to as he was waiting for the “walk” sign. I broke the traffic rule. But it’s trivial as most will deem to be done as you can’t see any car within hundreds of feets chasing towards the crossing. The passers by who just reached also followed me and we crossed. But the guy was still waiting for the “walk” sign to show up. I’m pretty sure the thought of crossing road has passed through his mind too. But he was adament to not break the rule. Even when the people behind him left him behind, he didn’t move. I wasn’t sure whether it was me or the people from his side made him more determined to not cross the road. If there weren’t people from his side crossing with me, would he attempt to cross after I finished crossing? Was it that he just couldn’t cross the road after me because he already has shown the others that he is following rules and now if he breaks the rule, it makes his prior abidance of the rule questioned. Is it the observer effect of some sort? Then I thought a lot of other social scenarios where you probably would break the rule if there weren’t any to observe you. Or is it that the guy was just lazy and cautious and that’s what we are expected to do and I have just plenty of time to think.. Rules are there for a reason. I feel grey.
Birth was not a choice, but living life should be and is a choice. There is no inherent one meaning for life, just because there is no one way of living life. Your meaning of life should adhere to your way of living life. However, the space where our lives are contained is a shared space. Therefore, we create some rules to abide by so that our distinct subjectivities don’t collide up to the point that we crush (which unfortunately is happening). The ordinary monkey way of living has evolved in such a way that we let these rules rule our inner selves so much that we can’t find our inner selves anymore and everything feels like a burden. Life feels meaningless. Think about it.. when you were a child, you were mindlessly roaming everywhere, probably was not giving a damn about the meaning of life. Then why do you give so much damn about meaning now? Because we are just bored, everything feels the same, we can’t change things, we feel helpless, we can’t create, we don’t know where we are heading, it all looks like a fog. But I can argue that if you can start thinking like a baby again, you will see you would feel differently. But I know it’s not easy. Time is a forward-moving trajectory. So, if you choose to live, it’s probably better to live the way your mind and body is in a union which then generate joy and fulfillment. There are some known facts from past experiences, scientific discoveries through neuroscience, yogic science, what can lead to the betterment of health and mind that we can follow to live longer and happier. Even though your body shares a lot of genetic memory, your mind already inherited a lot of baggage from the past, it’s probably always better to believe in the fluid nature of mind that can change and strive towards bringing good for you and others. And if you definitely need a meaning for yourself to move forward, just create one. I believe in taking the full responsibility for this life I am carrying.
I just finished reading Haruki Murakami’s “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle”. Just wrote my experience as my review on goodreads:
In short “A genuinely outstanding experience”. This is how I read it- I started on Thursday. I finished on Monday and I don’t know what went on in this world in between. I think just like Mr. Wind-up bird, I was stuck in my own well as I was recovering from my own darkness. I could see through the events like they were happening right within me. I got terrorized, I got shaken, I got enthusiastic, I was trying to find my baseball bat to find the strength in me. I was trying to find meaning, I was trying to find solace, but I was just being thrown into even more void, but eventually, I was feeling stronger and stronger; braver and braver. I could know love in a much more deeper place in my heart, I could learn how to let go, I could learn how to be not afraid amidst big walls that are suffocating me. I can replay the entrance and exit of each character on the scenes of my mental stage. Some were pushing me, some were pulling me. And in the end, I was wound up. But I think I discovered more than ever at the same time.
I gave them the gun,
And they dropped me dead.
My eyes were wide and open
To see the void of affection in their face.
The short interval between
The triggering and the bullet reaching my heart
Cut all the ties and kill everything vague;
Between that very moment
And all that is rest.
I wonder how easy it is to be swept away
from the brightness to the jungle of nothingness.
Time is a puzzle that I still can’t solve.
It comes, it swerves, it slides;
It twists and then it vanishes
From my inside and out.
I remember those wild nights
That made me brave;
Just when the bullet was touching me
To drop me dead.
I realized only then my fate,
But I’ll live forever
In the air and in the ears
I can bet.
Picture source: Immortal Knight by Rassouli from http://www.avatarfinearts.com/Rassouli-Gallery/Surrealism-Art/Symbolic-Surrealist-painting-of-Knights-on-Horse.html
I feel like I am a bag of emotions. This emotional roller coaster is not something that I dislike, but sometimes I just get confused about myself. Because I don’t know why I should be feeling what I am feeling. I start it new, then it gets old too soon. I know that I can pinpoint the root of each branch of my gigantic emotional tree, but some leaves just outgrow and outgrow and make me feel like I have nothing to say about my own journey. But why do I even feel to say? So, I let them grow, but then I feel boggled. I feel scared unnecessarily. I know the origin of fear, I know the outcome of fear, I know the future of fear, but still, the fear is there which is redundant. I know it’s all about being an open door through which things will pass. The moment you try to catch, you yourself are caught. I doubt my feelings all the time, maybe I just couldn’t find a better word than doubt here. Maybe a better way to say is that I want to judge my feelings, but then that’s probably not a good idea? Then why do I do it after knowing this is something I can’t comprehend. Maybe I didn’t learn anything so far, maybe it will be like this forever, and I will have to just go through, pass through, write through and dig through every morning like I am doing. It’s like having self within self within self and ad infinitum. I know that I can not choose and pick just the ones I like. But the desire to stay unsullied, remain on a path is probably a struggle as there are so many paths to choose.
All I did is just I walked. I started from my home and I walked to the coffee shop, then I walked again and I reached the destination. But these few minutes my mind has roamed the entire universe of my emotional tree. It’s like reflecting a zillion of light all at once towards me, but all I wanted is to just walk without feeling anything. All I hoped that I would just bathe in the sunshine of the morning and my mind will just not let me do that. And I know why, and I know everything. But as I tell myself always knowing doesn’t help and in fact trap me more. So, I scream like Led Zeppelin, that you can not hold me find my stairway to heaven. And I will create new rules and then I will be chained under my own jail again. And I live.
I’m obsessed with this porcupine tree song. And I have no doubt. There’s always experiences which grow on you. I’m lost in the ocean of my thoughts. I see but I want to close my eyes. And here I am drawing the line.
Camphor crossed with lace, it is the witching hour
Climatic but crude
Teasing all my feelings out, you move away
It seems so natural to you.
Still siren, climbing up the victory tower
Like there’s something left to prove
I trap the beads of sweat that run between my eyes
And free the fever to move.
I’m drawing the line, I’m drawing the line
And I have my pride
I’m taking control, I’m taking control
And I save my soul
And I have no doubt.
#porcupinetree #explore #melancholy
I will forever remember this moment.
I woke up, I was feeling not so great. Then I did yoga, today’s lesson was kind of intense. I sweated a lot, but then I felt good. I walked up to the coffee shop, and I am listening John Bellion and shaking my head. I have been under quite much pressure due to my research work, I really need to be productive this summer. And I should never cease to smile. I think I deserve more love from my own self. I love this picture of mine. ☺️