I miss you

I miss you. But there’s a part of my mind fights back saying “Why should I?” But I genuinely miss you. I miss those afternoons when I would go walk through the aisles of the grocery stores and you telling me the things to put in the shopping carts. I miss those mornings going out running leaving you in bed and thinking that you will be waiting for me and fantasizing about some sweaty sexy moments. I miss driving miles after miles feeling exhausted in one end, but feeling exalted with the thought that someone is cooking for me. I miss walking down the streets after watching shows in some theater halls.  I miss getting annoyed by you when you would make me walk through all the stores in the shopping mall. I miss staying up late all night watching silly stuff. I miss writing poetry for you. I miss you planning for our trips. I miss you being mad at me. I miss waking up and seeing your face. I miss ruminating your smile. I miss planning for our future. I feel sad that nothing of us except the memories really exist. But as you said life is and should be like this.. for long I just wanted to hold onto. As they say life is like being a shore and experiencing the sunny and stormy days. I wish I could get back my sunny insignificant days. But I feel tormented when I realize I can not go back in time. I hope to have some in future but I feel exhausted because nothing feels like as it used to. But I still hope that I will probably wake up feeling new again and can forgive and can remain calm and poised forever thereafter.

I miss you. I feel to talk to you. But I know I should not complicate more. I know I can not build up expectations anymore. I went through those stages of denial, anger, bargain. I am still in the stage of depression that feels like forever. I want to believe that I accepted what felt to be betrayal. I know I can not explain you why it couldn’t be easier. I know I messed up, I know it’s probably me who wasn’t enough. It was unbelievably unfathomable to not want you the way I used to. I know why you had to leave, I know why I had to stay away. In many ways, that’s probably what should have happened with the things that we started to want from our lives. I am happy that you now have so many experiences that may be you would never have otherwise. But it hurts to think that I would never be able to know how it would feel like if we were still waking up together. I accept that every end is a new beginning, but the heart still hurts to accept the end that was never desirable. But it ended. But I do really miss you. There are many questions you will never be able to answer me honestly, because you will have to protect yourself, justify yourself. And I understand that and may be same go with me too. But I hope that we can both be happy in our separate paths.

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