Why I feel what I feel?

22nd January, 2017. I’m here on a sunday just sitting on my couch thinking incessantly. It’s calm and quiet outside in this cold cloudy winter morning but I wish it was calmer and quieter inside me. I was thinking about how we feel. When I woke up day before yesterday, I felt resentful, hostile; yesterday when I woke up, I felt somewhat afraid, somewhat neutral and today now that I am awake, I am feeling analytical, bit hopeful. I can dig deeper and always using causality relationship, can approximately analyze what happened the last night or last day and bring a reason for my feeling such and such. On a certain moment, there’s various feelings I can feel. I can feel differently for a same incident which means that I can not give a definitive answer for why I feel what I feel. But there’s definitely two big sets of good and bad feelings. I may be able to categorize my feelings as good feelings versus bad. As our emotional, psychic or spiritual interests go, we tend to crave for good feelings but who will disagree that most of the time you are just craving for it and what you really have are complications inside you. But whenever I feel now a days that cravings, I banish myself asking – who told me that I need to feel good, weren’t my bad days were the days that pushed me to change myself. But is it the hope then for a good day that pushes you through your bad day? And when good day comes, you try to celebrate and you get the justification for all your struggle. But are all lucky that way? What if your struggle never stops and you never succeed. So, is there any alternative to this hope based model for living? I certainly based my life on my hopes and dreams. And I can tell you when your hopes and dreams are destroyed, you will feel to cease yourself. This model constantly requires you to be resilient, requires you to create new hope and new dreams when all your old hopes and old dreams are gone. But the problem is you may sometimes have deep attachment with some of these which may be very crucial for your existence. Life is cruel, life is full of struggle, so I don’t think any static model can give answers to all problems in every kind of circumstance perpetually. The complexity of life requires constant awareness and inspection and the ability to change.  What is that brought dissatisfaction to life? Oops, that’s such a big question, right? Isn’t it that you want something and you fail to achieve it is what that causes all discomfort? So, your desire is the cause of your sufferings then? That’s why people go to solitary places, monks confine themselves in caves, an urban monk detaches himself from everything surrounding him- at least tries to, so all are to try to not desire or at least not to desire for some time being? Because our knowledge of our psychology shows that you can not use your logic against strong deceptions, illusions. I have watched several TED videos now on predictable irrationality, cognitive influence and it’s well-known, you just can’t avoid being deluded, influenced. So, what you subject yourself to will influence you and will lead you. Now, when you ride a horse, in every turn you pull so that your horse can choose the right direction, but when there are no turns sometimes you just let your horse ride by its own. Do you really always want to control your emotion? You don’t. Because then you will miss a lot but also you don’t want to get lost either, you don’t want to feel deceived either. So, you have to watch your steps sometimes. I was feeling to sum up a lot of other thoughts but I will keep it short today as I will have to go. There’s always something else that tide me over.


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