In my bed. Got birthday wishes from friends. They were all really nice. I was sleep deprived. Didn’t think that I will stay awake till so late. Had fun hanging out in the bars. It wasn’t that crowded tonight and it’s always good going out with friends who care. Have classes tomorrow morning. Don’t know whether I can catch them. But I am feeling happy now. The whole day didn’t go very well. I had this weird head ache. But I pushed myself, continued studying and submitted my homeworks. That made me feel good. Have exams. So need to prepare. It would be nice if I could throw a small party at my place tomorrow. May be I can cook some pasta and couscous for everyone. Don’t know how many will show up if I arrange a random party. After all it’s my birthday. Hope this year will be happier. I just want to live without scars. I just want to smile this year. I just want to see and experience. Love you all.
It’s 5:36 am. Still awake. Feeling to smoke. But I have no cigarette with me right now. I just cried for long time. I also cried early in the morning. I don’t control what will make me cry. Sometimes random memories come and flush me off. But, after every time I cry, I feel strong. But the crying moments are not pleasant. It takes away all the energy, it makes me bend in the shower. I am pretty sure I would feel ashamed if somebody would see me crying like that. Anyway, I have an exam tomorrow. I think I am going to do very bad. I tried but I know I could have prepared better. Now I need to sleep. I don’t know why I am writing now instead of sleeping. I was outside in the balcony with my tears for a while constantly wiping my eyes. I hope I haven’t waken up my neighbors. I am sorry. I was looking at the sky, dark sky. And I was just thinking why, why and why. What did I do wrong to feel like this? I know I am not thinking right. I was reading her emails, emails for past several years. I am not supposed to open that folder. I shouldn’t have. I don’t know why I opened. Again tears are coming to my eyes. But, things went wrong. Things will never get right. Things will never get right. Things will never get right. I used to be happy. I know I need some good things to happen in my life. May be there’s a chance to be happy again. But I don’t know. Things mean differently now to me. I need to sleep. Hope, there will be some day when it will be easier to push my memories aside. I said to a friend that day I am at peace. May be I am. May be all these were necessary. I came alone, I will leave alone. May be I will leave sooner. I know I can’t make others happy unless I am happy. I am trying. May be I should try harder. Okay, sleeping angels.. please come and take me away for few hours from all the anxieties. I wish I could go back to home across the sea and hug my brother and sister.
You need to be extremely lucky. Definitely your success should be attributed to your own hard work and effort. You definitely earned your own success but there’s a lot of luck involved in your being there to be able to put some effort and then be successful. The only credit you may take is probably that you have utilized your circumstance in every bit possible. There are a lot of people who had the luck, who were equipped like you in all possible ways to produce the success but they didn’t and you are not one of them. You were different. You were a hard working individual and you managed against every tide to reach where you wanted to be fit the most. However, on the other hand, there are people who knows magic, who can overcome almost everything no matter how big the hurdle is, no matter how negative everything goes against their desired path. But I think these kind of people are gifted. What I mean by gifted is that they are born with or they were trained to have such resilience and be fantastic. But when we use the word gifted or genius, it basically means that the factors that contribute to their awesomeness are hard to measure or difficult to grasp and thus are not easily be experimented on others to get some algorithm to produce more gifteds’ or genius’. So, they are rare, their way of working should sometimes be taken as some sort of ideal way, they should be the inspiration, but they are not the norm. And I am talking about the norm because that’s where you can try to generalize. We are basically advised to follow some formula; eating in a healthy way, entertaining in a healthy way, planning in a careful way, studying in a smart way, working in some efficient way etc. etc. And these just lead you through some known successful paths. However, these healthy, careful, smart, efficient ways are not that easy to follow for everyone. That’s where I am talking about luck. First of all, you need to know all these ways in the first place and then try and then be successful. The genius, the gifted, who are now out of context, has the unique ability to figure them out by himself or herself. But for a normal person, they need to be taught, they need to be shown. And that’s why these formula are not in everyone’s hand. However, in these days of internet, there is some light. But the chaotic internet can confuse you even more and can make you more dull. Anyway, that means, you somewhat need to be in the right place, with the right parents, with the right friends, in the right institution to gain the access to those known ideas, to be exposed to those known success and to be inspired. As we all know, a human can only perform and outsmart his limitation when he is confident enough. But to have that confidence, you get to be lucky, that’s what I am saying. So, then, what I am suggesting? That failure is inevitable, there’s no wonder why so many people are suffering, it’s easy to see why everywhere you can see unhealthiness even though good things are already understood, why there is poverty. Already wealth distribution is a big problem, in fact it was a problem in most of our human history, powerful people are greedy and they will just want to control each and everything, even though some society, some revolutionaries tried to change it with some success, but we are back in to that same greedy mechanics again. On top of that, what I am suggesting is the knowledge distribution. Information and knowledge are also not distributed properly. These two inequalities are not unrelated. In fact they are very related. Now I understand some of the visionaries who wanted to spread education, who wanted to spread information. May be they understood that this world can only progress when more people have access. But anyway, still there’s extreme luck involved. So, sometimes we should not be too harsh to ourselves when things are out of place.
It’s not that difficult to see how illusory everything is. If self itself is an illusion, then everything created by that self is also an illusion. Ego! It’s an identity created by all the neural connectivity the brain experiences over time with the physical body participating in all the real events it had in its scope in its lifetime. If the physical self wouldn’t experience certain things, wouldn’t have participated in specific life events, the experiences of the brain would be different and so is the ego and so is the self. So, I, as a whole, is just one of the billions of others I could have become. But I am too attached to my own identity. Everyone is. And one can argue that for the style of life in a communal society, you don’t have much choice. If everyday when you wake up, you could start a new you wanting to erase all the past you, you wouldn’t be accepted. Not that you need to care! But.. again.. If you wear costume and change your outlook every morning so that no one can identify you, then you don’t exist in the eyes of others. But you do exist. But the problem is you start questioning your own existence. Because you are confused with multiple identities in yourself and so the others around you give you the perspective about what you mostly are. At least in general sense. I am not saying that it’s not possible to identify yourself without other human minds and their opinions. You may not need another human being, but you need this world, the air, the sky where you are contained to feel your existence. That means you understand yourself from an external towards an internal process, not an internal towards an external process. I will argue the later is almost impossible. Let me elucidate – When you are sleeping at night, if you are not dreaming or at least if you don’t recall dreaming, you are breathing, everything outside you is still going on, somebody is drinking, somebody is writing song or poetry, somebody is fucking hard or moaning or screaming, somebody is crying, somebody is laughing his ass off, somebody is just looking at the night sky, but you are not experiencing those, you are just not a part of those stories, so those don’t add anything to yourself, for you those are unreal, so your reality is only constructed when you are conscious about what’s going on. That’s why you can not feel your existence when you are unaware. That means all these going on surrounding you give you the perspective of your own existence. Anyway, I digress. Realizing that everything is relative can help us not to attach too much to certain things. Pain, dissatisfaction can be very hard to deal with. It’s because we feel extreme attachment with those memories. We feel like our selves have been wounded, damaged by those experiences, by those failures. Joy, satisfaction are also similar. One can argue that if you don’t have such attachment, then you will feel neither joy nor sadness. And that’s entirely true. You need some attachment to feel. I never said that the illusion is not important. The illusion is important for you to feel, for you to be a human being. But you don’t need to disagree with the fact that it’s an illusion. You, again, just sometimes need to realize that these are illusion. At least it helps when you are crippled with something inside your mind and sometimes when your own self, your own ego hurts you. And may be when you are against your self. You may question – then what’s the point? Where is the value of yourself? What’s the purpose? I don’t know the most philosophically accepted answer. But for me, you need those for you to continue, for you to be a productive member of your community. You just need to keep going till you expire. So, you can come up with your own answers. You can take answers from those who pondered a lot on those. Or you can be totally oblivious about all these questions and keep on living, eating, shitting and fucking and if you are smart, making some contribution so that others can keep on doing those a little bit longer than they would if you wouldn’t give a shit. Well, is this a pessimistic view about life? May be it is! I could do some euphemism and could come up with some optimistic one. That I often do. Optimism sometimes helps, pessimism sometimes helps. Hey! You need both calmness and anger. All you need just to go on. May be some options are better because they are less chaotic. But this time, let it be this way. If your surrounding, whatever achievements, whatsoever human connections, your religion, your ideology can answer your questions, help you to keep walking and persevering, then have them. But some are false, some are half false, some are true and you should not burden with your realization on someone else. And importantly again, realize that it’s all illusion and keep on acting.
I em enjoying this walk. This walk is different again. I am feeling the charm to explore. I am receiving and I am realizing the beauty of everything that has some life. I just read a quote that “There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.” It sounded very true to me. I was thinking for long time yesterday about what I want from life. The answer that I got over and over is that I want to be healthy and happy. But this is not that simple as it seems. Because it requires effort. Sometimes a great deal of effort and awareness.
The entire day I had soy lent 2.0. I had three bottles of soy lent. But I had a masala chai when I was at a campus coffee shop called Greyhouse. I decided to allow coffee as I need to be there to work. May be I should try coffee/tea without sugar. But I had also a lot of peanuts after I came back home at night, before sleep. This is why I should not keep peanuts. But okay, I haven’t had any outside meal.
This is exactly what I am feeling right now. Fear. Extreme fear which is pushing me towards a hole. Now I am writing. But interestingly, I am feeling it hard to express what I am feeling inside. I was thinking, being worried, anxious for hours. Now I can’t put those feelings into words. What’s wrong? Why is my mind so scattered right now? Why is it hard to feel right? I am confused by all the different choice that I have every moment. I am confused about setting the right priorities every moment. My mind always tries to escape, tries to escape from the reality I am in, tries to forget the situations I need to overcome. I have been told several times by several people that I just can’t chill and I am too intense. And my response was that I am cool with that. Not everyone needs to be chill. Not everyone has gone through the experiences I have gone through. Not everyone feels like I feel when I wake up, when I am in a dark room feeling lonely and helpless. I know I am not alone. I know these feelings are real. I can think rationally and logically and push them away, but they again come back whenever I am weak. Feeling strong and confident is sometimes so difficult. This fear of failure- I know its origin but still I can’t prevent feeling it. You feel afraid only when you have something to lose. It may be your life, it may be something precious that you want to hold, it may be yourself. I know I fear myself, because I can’t control myself, because I can’t control my feelings all the time. May be there’s no one who can control themselves all the time. May be the concept of trying to control yourself is a misleading one. What I mean is that I do things that I hate later on, I set priorities incorrectly that I feel ashamed of. I know why I fail every time, but even though I hate to fail, even though I feel the pressure. I was reading about stoicism, about feeling indifferent, thinking about the worst case scenario and just be okay. May be I am too intense. But do I really want to be so intense? It’s just that who I am? I know I need to change. But was I not failing to change again and again. I make progress but then I slip in the slippery slope again. What to fear actually? – that’s exactly what I tell myself. What to lose? – that’s exactly what I ask myself. But still I feel fear, feel like a loser. Am I sore loser? May be I am. I aim high, then I can’t maintain, then I feel the fear. May be it’s a cycle. Should I be then not aiming high? I know I am not doing all these correctly. But why? What did I learn from all the mistakes I have made? I feel like I haven’t learnt anything, I am in a cycle.. doing same mistakes again and again. Yes, that’s what it is.. The feeling that I have right now is also a repeated feelings. May be the situation is different, but similar. I just put myself in a same kind of shitty situation. It just has a different mask but still the same, so the fear is again the same, so the solution may also be the same, or may be there’s no solution but to wait these feelings to go away. But again these will come back. And again I will fear to close my eyes.