The entire day I had soy lent 2.0. I had three bottles of soy lent. But I had a masala chai when I was at a campus coffee shop called Greyhouse. I decided to allow coffee as I need to be there to work. May be I should try coffee/tea without sugar. But I had also a lot of peanuts after I came back home at night, before sleep. This is why I should not keep peanuts. But okay, I haven’t had any outside meal.
This is exactly what I am feeling right now. Fear. Extreme fear which is pushing me towards a hole. Now I am writing. But interestingly, I am feeling it hard to express what I am feeling inside. I was thinking, being worried, anxious for hours. Now I can’t put those feelings into words. What’s wrong? Why is my mind so scattered right now? Why is it hard to feel right? I am confused by all the different choice that I have every moment. I am confused about setting the right priorities every moment. My mind always tries to escape, tries to escape from the reality I am in, tries to forget the situations I need to overcome. I have been told several times by several people that I just can’t chill and I am too intense. And my response was that I am cool with that. Not everyone needs to be chill. Not everyone has gone through the experiences I have gone through. Not everyone feels like I feel when I wake up, when I am in a dark room feeling lonely and helpless. I know I am not alone. I know these feelings are real. I can think rationally and logically and push them away, but they again come back whenever I am weak. Feeling strong and confident is sometimes so difficult. This fear of failure- I know its origin but still I can’t prevent feeling it. You feel afraid only when you have something to lose. It may be your life, it may be something precious that you want to hold, it may be yourself. I know I fear myself, because I can’t control myself, because I can’t control my feelings all the time. May be there’s no one who can control themselves all the time. May be the concept of trying to control yourself is a misleading one. What I mean is that I do things that I hate later on, I set priorities incorrectly that I feel ashamed of. I know why I fail every time, but even though I hate to fail, even though I feel the pressure. I was reading about stoicism, about feeling indifferent, thinking about the worst case scenario and just be okay. May be I am too intense. But do I really want to be so intense? It’s just that who I am? I know I need to change. But was I not failing to change again and again. I make progress but then I slip in the slippery slope again. What to fear actually? – that’s exactly what I tell myself. What to lose? – that’s exactly what I ask myself. But still I feel fear, feel like a loser. Am I sore loser? May be I am. I aim high, then I can’t maintain, then I feel the fear. May be it’s a cycle. Should I be then not aiming high? I know I am not doing all these correctly. But why? What did I learn from all the mistakes I have made? I feel like I haven’t learnt anything, I am in a cycle.. doing same mistakes again and again. Yes, that’s what it is.. The feeling that I have right now is also a repeated feelings. May be the situation is different, but similar. I just put myself in a same kind of shitty situation. It just has a different mask but still the same, so the fear is again the same, so the solution may also be the same, or may be there’s no solution but to wait these feelings to go away. But again these will come back. And again I will fear to close my eyes.
Okay, I have been using soy lent 2.0 for my replacement meal for few months now. But I haven’t completely lived on soylent. So, I am starting an experiment with my food habit and also a transformation of my body. I will live on soylent next 30 days. Day 1 starts.
A hat conveys some mystery,
May be some kawaii story.
Some perky afternoon in a mall,
Or may be a bouncy evening in a beach.
That hat might’ve been on a peppy doll-
Before some darling hand made a reach.
Grabbed it and all
Brought to you and all.
It’s still pretty pretty right on ur top
Perfect would be with some pop and bop.
It may be smelling like ur charm
Smooth, round and warm,
The way u’ve worn it and all
Freaking hat is holding me in thrall.
This saturday, I wasn’t sure whether I will explore Chicago too. As I was near Chicago and haven’t experienced the Chicago air for almost a year, I didn’t want to miss the opportunity. When I was in Naperville, I was trying to convince some friends to come with me to Chicago. But then I decided to come by myself. I searched whether there are some events going on this saturday. And as usual Chicago doesn’t disappoint you if it comes to events. There was a free music festival going on from last friday in Millennium park right near the cloud gate. Actually I was hesitant about going to Chicago after hiking in Naperville as I was really tired. But when I knew about this event and my past experiences in millennium park were always good, then I decided to push myself. Anyway, I absolutely loved walking through the neat streets of Chicago. I stopped in a starbucks coffee shop and took a cup of coffee. Then when I was near the millennium park, I could already hear the music. The gospel music festival was being held and the performers/singers were entertaining the crowds. Though I am not a big fan of religious music, I just liked the atmosphere. I loved watching children playing around, couples holding their hands kissing each other. It was welcoming, it was refreshing. I was sitting on the green grass and listening to the singers and watching people taking photos in front of the cloud gate. And I reminded her, us, our memories from last last winter when we came and took some pictures. I became nostalgic, sad. I started walking, went to a subway. The mexican server Anthony was really friendly. When I finished eating, I found Anthony outside smoking. Then he shared a cigarette with me and we talked. We talked about Chicago, about life a bit. It was fun. I was really tired and it was hard for me to keep focus while driving back to home. And I slept. I was really tired but satisfied and happy.
It was a great experience to walk by the river Naperville. I knew about a hiking trail there from a Facebook group event. However, eventually, I did it by myself. It was a rainy saturday morning when I left home in West Lafayette. Then I drove two hours to the small cute Naperville town. I asked few people about where to start walking and they were kind enough to show me. It was really green, calm and serene. I loved the sound of the water and started walking. There were several bridges across the river. The river walk starts from the Washington street and then ends in Jefferson street. There is an awesome tall wind chime in between which creates wonderful sound. I also recorded the wind chime sound for few minutes. I was not the only person taking a nice walk by the river. There were some other couples and runners who accompanied me. I also liked the Naperville downtown. It is very neat and I was amazed by a number of street paint works. After my walk, I had my lunch in a cafe near the Washington street. Then I went to Chicago. I will post some of my Chicago experience in the next post.
It’s summer. I wish I can turn into a butterfly now. I wish I can fly and harness the wild natural beauty and soothe my mind. I am looking for hiking opportunity to some new mountains or trails. I hope there are plenty to explore near the midwest where I am located. I was searching about the popular hiking spots around here. Midwest, even though it has erratic weather pattern, is blessed with the seasonal changes which allow to enjoy winter, summer and spring. There are places, national parks full of beautiful trees, rivers, creeks, bridges and every place has its own inherent beauty to explore. It’s been a while I haven’t got closer to a waterfall. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to get wet with some waterfall water. Nature is calling me. I should pack my backpack and have a camera to make the journey to the heart of nature.
I may encounter lizards, turtles and deer; wild berries and mushrooms. I think I will enjoy the Yellowwood Lake.
Lakes, light woods, marshes and meadows near the twin cities.
Timber, open prairie and the banks of the Missouri River. I think I can enjoy the grassy, wide paths.
I should not miss the wooden boardwalks, bridges and stairs in north-central Illinois ridges and through fragrant cedar groves on the Upper Dells trails.
To enjoy Split Rock Creek, which carved 50-foot bluffs and rugged formations from large deposits of rosy Sioux quartzite. Filled with short but challenging trails.
Interconnected trails around the Clear Fork of the Mohican River. There are a covered bridge and two waterfalls and a climbable fire tower to explore.
A wooden boardwalk that I should not miss. This offers a forest of hardwoods and large ferns lines and lovely waterfalls through these hills by the Mississippi.
Blessed with sandstone canyons and bluffs in central Kansas. It starts on the Buffalo Track Canyon Nature Trail at Trailhead C, and follow it 0.75 miles through a flower-filled meadow, where the Horsethief Canyon Trail begins. It’s a 5.5-mile hike. I can enjoy Buffalo Creek, pass caves and climb over sandstone slabs.
An easy hike under 2 miles round-trip. Pickle Creek Trail, 4-mile White Oaks Trail, wildflower meadows and more. Cool!
Manistee River Trail with all its white pine stands, giant ferns. It would be awesome to pass through the suspension bridge across the Manistee River.
1,000 forested trail miles trace the edge of the last continental glacier across the state. No wonder.. it’s ice age trail.
This is a 4.5-mile round-trip with Mineral Springs and Waterfall Trail packs. Things to enjoy are bridges over streams and the Sheyenne River Valley and the waterfall.
So, let’s hike and be part of nature.