Friday evening uncertainties

Feeling very disconnected. Don’t know for exactly why. Actually I perhaps know what may be the case. That’s why I am writing. I don’t know what I will call my current state. Is it boredom? Is it laziness? None of them seem to be right. Am I feeling impulsive? Am I seeking to get high? Impulsed? Who knows? This is a weird state. Is it withdrawal? May be. I am trying to leave some bad habits. I know how this works? I am feeling restless. That’s normal. Or is it? Feeling calm is hard. But I want to be energized, funny, happy. May be these desires are the problem? Don’t know. Will it make me happy to get drunk? I know for sure I don’t want to be in the crowd of known people. I want to get lost. I want to be missing. Do I have something to hide? May be. That’s the problem of putting yourself too much out there. Eventually, in my case, I want to hide. Do I need touch from a woman? Am I lacking love? Surely I do. Why am I so needy? May be. I wish I could be desireless sometimes. But again without desire, you can’t really feel. Or can you? I had a great conversation during the noon with one of my friends. We were talking about subjectivity and objectivity. We were talking about how may be over time people are learning to view things more objectively than judging everything subjectively. I don’t quite agree with him. But it was nice talking. I was trying to say that everything is subjective. But may be I was wrong. May be I didn’t understand him properly. My point was if everything we are sensing, experiencing and judging, then all our perceptions are subjective. But then our perceptions are very non-static and we can not really generalize. But why do we need to even generalize? I just searched about subjective and objective reality. This is what I found in a thread about objectivity:

Objectivity: Observational state of mind without emotional attachment.  One is focusing upon objects or experience with  little sense of self in relation to what is being experienced, and the experience is not creating an active emotional response from that person, which if often preferable when discernment is required.

Subjectivity: One derives information via referencing themselves and how they are being effected by the world.  The experience contains the information of our own thoughts and feelings to identify with the experience.

But then this is what I found. And this is what I was trying to say to my friend:

All states of consciousness are mind.  Everything is mind.   Even the material world is mind frequency slowed down to a third dimensional frequency, which gives the illusion of ‘solid matter’.  Yet, all objects were first thoughts.  All experiences were first thoughts.  The material world is just the result of previous thinking. Therefore, all reality is SUBJECTIVE.

Even objectivity is a subjective experience as we must interpret that which we observe in order to respond to it.

I think I can not say better. Feeling slightly better now.🙂

Battleground Museum Trip

So.. it was a random trip. I just started driving. Just to breathe some fresh air. And I reached the tippeacanoe battleground. Discovered that there’s a museum. Entered and saw a lot of historical stuff. Sharing some of the pictures. There were a lot of different guns used during the battles. Some were locally made. They showcased in chronological orders. There were also some paintings of that time.


A conversation without conclusion

(scene: Student standing at the front of Professor’s office. Thinking about knocking.)

(knock knock)

Professor: Come in. Take a seat.

Student: Thank you. How are you Professor?

Professor: I’m doing well. How are you? You seem a little bit disturbed. How may I help you?

Student (bit nervous) : Yeah! You are right. I am. It’s the end of the semester and also the course.  I really want to thank you for doing a great job in teaching some really difficult concepts. But… But. I came here to talk something that I am really unhappy about, somewhat different if you are interested. I respect your time.

Professor (With smile in his face, stood up, moved the curtain to allow more light through the window into the nicely arranged well-scented room full of books in the shelves and some green plants in the corner, came back, took a seat in a more relaxed mood and smiled) : Yes. What is it?

Student (now bit confident) : Though I am a big fan of your teaching style in class, I am quite disappointed with the evaluation process. Actually.. I am upset with not only how you evaluate students, but actually how we are evaluated in schools in general. I am quite upset about it. I was thinking a lot, and I felt like to have some perspective from someone who is executing these process. Is it okay if I ask you some questions?

Professor: Ok.

Student (He opened his bag, brought out his exam paper which have been already scored): As you can see I scored very low. But I didn’t come here to talk about my scores. I definitely did very bad in the exam. But do you think I don’t understand the topics?

Professor: That’s hard to tell. Given that you are way below the average, as you can see there are more than half of the students  who performed better than you in the exam.

Student: Yes. Exactly. So, an exam is about performance then. Performing on this specific questions that you have put during a fixed time, right?

Professor: Yes. Definitely. But because it touches different topics that I taught in the class and you did in the assignments, if you can answer them correctly,  that means you have command over those topics.

Student: Ideally yes. I agree. But I think you know that you also have some patterns in putting same questions in the exam. One of the questions are just a little bit of modification of last year exams. And students who solved those questions, I know, are the students who are the high scorers. So, before exams, preparing for the exam is necessary which, for most of the students, mean to solve past year questions. But even, that is not what I came to talk about. Now that we all have scores, half of them are below average and half are above. What is it measuring actually? Does it not just tell that the students with high scores practiced more than the others? Does it really reflect how much we have learnt from your teaching?

Professor: Yes. But practice is also very important. If you don’t practice, you forget what you have learnt.

Student: So, when we get a bad score, what exactly we should feel? I am confused about it. I think I can regret about not practicing more. But I think I started also doubting about my knowledge itself. And I think you also doubt that I haven’t learnt much given this score only. And I think that is not true. I reviewed the topics and I think I understand them very well. It’s just that I didn’t prepare myself for performing good in the exam. Exams just don’t drive me. I hate going in one hour exam rooms. I freak out. It’s like sports, football or baseball or soccer. All players in both teams know how to score a goal in a soccer game, but one team eventually wins based on their performance. But you need to have two teams in the first place for one team to lose for sure, if not draw. Yeah, not that always the same team is gonna win. And if the loser team gives a good fight, people will also appreciate. But I think we all know a win is a win, a loss is a loss. After even the hardest fight, the loser feels emotionally devastated. That loss might make him work even harder to not do the same mistake and win eventually in future in one hand, or completely destroy his confidence. And these two scenario vary a lot based on individuals. But I am not talking about the game itself. Each game is set up in a way to determine the winner and cheer for them and make the loser sob and weep. Isn’t it? So then is education in schools are also like games. Finding and sorting out winners? Making a good resume? Showing how much you have performed? Being a winner in life? Then if that is the case, you need a looser on the other hand. Someone needs to be defeated, someone needs to lose to have the perception of winning for the winner and others. Is it not then set up for some to lose?

Professor(now raised his eyebrow, thinking.., taking his time): Hmm. Then how else you propose to evaluate?

Student: I don’t know. I just can see something is wrong here. Is everybody incapable of seeing it? Or, are they just happy with what it is? And I even didn’t bring out so many personal, emotional reality a person might have been going through during the time of his performance.

Professor: That is why we sometimes do open book exams or take home exams. The whole point is to make you, students, work hard to learn more. If you didn’t have an exam, you wouldn’t work hard, right?

Student: But you are missing my point. If the ultimate goal is to learn, we are all learning. Some who have interest for some specific material or some who just want to perform really well or some who want to win, is going to perform better. But the evaluation tag that you put on everyone, that tells very less and very void of what the ultimate purpose it should be. Sometimes I feel like may be you all are too lazy to change things for us. Or may be just want us to go through the same grinder you have gone through. But you don’t realize the world outside is so different than the world you have experienced in your age. May be you just want the same world.

Professor: Hmm. I can’t say you are not right.

Student: You are driving us for what professor? You want me to solve the differential equations, the other professor wants me to draw a large heart of an amphibia, the other one wants me to measure the percentage of water in the rock, you criticize us when we are not accurate, when we make mistake. It seems like you all know everything, want us to know more, and don’t want to do mistake. But then we just feel like being dragged, pressured. My friend is leaving school, don’t know what he wants to do. My other friend had her parents divorced on the day of final exam. If you open the google news today, the absolute buffoon Donald J Trump wins the election. What is going on? Why does everything seem so wrong, if we or you know everything for so sure.

Professor: Don’t you think you are thinking too much?

Student: Yes, I am Professor. Yes I am. Thanks for listening.

(Student leaves and the Professor starts thinking..)






What is it that people revolve around? Is it the desires in them that drive them wherever they go or whatever they do? It’s hard to tell. I am certain about one thing is that everybody is puzzled. And they are not content or happy with what they already have. Why is that? Why is it so difficult to appreciate things we already own but not focus on the things that is distant? Is it the curious mind which always pushes? Is it just that they are greedy? Or are they envious? If they are envious, that seems to be good, but if they are greedy, then it always leads to unhappiness. It’s so evident that you can see others having things that you can’t have. So your associative mind is going to compare and sadly it depresses. Why should you be remorseful for things you can not own? Is it too hard to realize your barriers? If you look at life, most of us have the same measure of success. May be that’s the problem. If you don’t understand what is it that makes you complete, you will always feel incomplete. You want these, that to feel accomplished. But all those needs how many times you scrutinize them? When you fail to achieve things that you badly want, you start feeling bad. I find envy as a positive force, but greed as very negative. And I think people are confused about the subtlety here. We definitely need different measures of success. Things that make him or her happy are not going to make you happy. So chasing for the same thing is just dragging you to the land of nowhere. It’s okay to push yourself, but is it okay to drag yourself? But people constantly do. Uncertainty is really mind boggling. We are uncertain about our limitations. It’s okay to be uncertain but for how long? Because ultimately you need to be active, right? Now if we think there’s a boundary we can’t cross, is it positive? On the contrary, thinking about limitations- is it a wise thing? Does that give you any confidence? So there’s no doubt that to excel you need to be confident. But are most confidence fake confidence? So how do you distinguish? Anyway, I am full of incoherent questions now.



There are times when I am invincible.

There are times when I am fearless.

There are times when I am uncontrollable.

There are times when I am unthinkable.

There are times when I am compromising.

There are times when I am uncompromising.

There are times when I have speed.

There are times when I am slow.

There are times when I fly.

There are times when I just walk by.

There are times when I see.

There are times when I close my eyes.

There are times when I rest.

There are times when I hurry.

There are times when I panic.

There are times when I sigh.

There are times when I break.

There are times when I shatter.

There are times when I build.

There are times when I create.

There are times when I value friends.

There are times when I leave them.

There are times when I take the pain.

There are times when I hurt.

There are times when I love to lose.

There are times when I hate to lose.

There are times when I love to win.

There are times when I hate to win.

There are times when I play.

There are times when I say.

There are times when I am deaf and dumb.

There are times when I am clever and shrewd.

There are times when I drive.

There are times when I am driven.

There are times when I am sour.

There are times when I am sweet.

There are times when I am numb.

There are times when I am sharp.

There are infinite times and infinite me.


Rainbow of illusion

Feel the emotional shifts. It starts from high above, then it spirals, then it loses down beneath. The sky out there where it wants to mege, the clouds out there with which it wants to mingle , but it fails. But then there’s only meaningless gazing. The observant mind is really hard to tackle with. It just doesn’t want to stop wandering, all the scattered words just fly through the rainbow of illusion. It loves to remain deluded, but it also doesn’t want to stop. But being deluded, there’s always a reach, always an end. So it will eventually stop. Then the paths no longer matter, just pushing towards the edge is the constant effort it is trying to make. I wish it could jump on one of the sun rays and travel light years and lose. I wish it could be the gentle breeze which brings smiles but my mind just becomes a cyclone, sometimes a tornado. But it’s beautiful, it’s charming if violence can be perceived to be charming, it’s lively. So, walking by the footpath is not a bad idea as long as you can see the wonderful faces, the masks and the costumes. If it’s the game of mind, everybody is playing. May be there’s no win or lose, or is there any? But the game itself is fun by its own right. So, there shouldn’t be any justification, we should not talk about any verification, any violation, any rules to restrain. Just ruminate and desire. It’s all about our emotion that we need to understand and deeply realize. There’s no robot among us, only the robotic selves that we construct within us. But it’s also okay not to move sometime. But it’s not okay to think you somehow can control all your emotions. But you can delude yourself to think so but I don’t find it helpful at all. If we create the world, why do we make it unpleasant? May be because you find pleasure to keep it unpleasant. Is that sickness? I won’t define it that way though. I’ll be very reluctant to do so. Then I need not stop being expressive, I should not refrain myself from being adequately audacious, because that’s how I may reach some point that I dream to be in. All the music in my brain is real, then why not making all dance? And I know that they all want to dance. Then why are they scared? Because you get frightened by unknown. So silly, isn’t it? Now I can see that you are falling apart, but deep down inside me there’s so much fire. So, I live.