Love bleeds, but it still offers a lot of meaning

I want to talk to you. But I also feel scared of feeling in a certain way which drags me down everytime. I know we all have our own problems in our present and adding more to that is sometimes you can not afford. Deep down I still have deep emotion for you, and the many trauma I went through and risked myself were and are pretty self destructive that I feel like I rather keep them in my safe box.  But still I am the one who end up saying more on my own terms as I am probably always bad at listening. But I miss you everytime anything resonates with me to realize how deeply I loved and cared about you, even though our expressions are very different.    I was watching this movie “The mountain between us” – it’s about these one male and female who get stuck after a plane crush and eventually survive, they were both married when they got into that accident, but they came out of the situation falling in love with each other, but still when they came back to the real world from the wild, they could not just get together because they each had their past baggage to carry on, but eventually they get together again, because they truly had love for each other.. or may be the movie just wanted to produce a good ending. And may be, in real life, it’s way more tragic. As I truly see my love story, the way we met, the way we conquered many obstacles, the way I blindly trusted you and the way we demised as the greatest tragedy of my life, even if no one cares. When I talked to my therapist who in a way saved me from wrecking myself, I described my state like a torn down island after a Tsunami, but I recognized that I have to rebuild again and I probably kind of did succeed in that, but definitely I did not feel at that moment that I will regain my courage to continue as I felt so little.   

I want to be your friend, I want to be in a place of strength where your thoughts and you no longer hurt me anymore, rather I can take you as one of the best friends who know certain parts of me more than anyone else. I am pretty sure we are both quite different person than who we were, may be in many ways unrecognizable. How do you truly feel about me when you think about me or us? Do you think you know me? But I know that I could not make you feel the way one wants to feel when one is in love and rather our love turned into boring chores and less exciting day by day and eventually it had to experience the death. And may be I took many things for granted that I shouldn’t have and I have beaten myself for many years to find answers to what else I could have done. I have spent hours after hours feeling sad, and may be I still can not see the way you see and can move on just saying that it’s the past we can learn from, because those hours of clouds and grief and depression will always have a reach at me. It’s me who felt betrayed, even if I didn’t necessarily need to feel that way.    But yeah, I or we just can not change the past. I also wish I could revert many things, I also want to say sorry for saying many things that’s not true, for doing many things that only pushed each other away, even though I also only intended otherwise, only wanted to bond more.

True, We can only learn from the past, but I’m truly afraid whether I will ever be able to bring anyone as close as I brought you inside my heart. It just breaks my heart when I think about how our love expired. But there’s definitely thousand things I have to be grateful for the experiences we had. And the things I learnt from our relationship.   Like now, I’m lying down writing and thinking – We will just stay in two corners of the world knowing that we once loved each other. I know we can talk about some memories which are valuable to both of us. I even feel like if I could sit in front of you, I just won’t have to say a single word. That itself is meaningful. I truly think love is not easy to find and I was lucky to have it when I was young. I  hope I can find love again and I wish the same for you, because love is beautiful and worth living for. Thank you for the beautiful moments of your life that you shared with me. I truly wanted to have it more, but may be it was just not meant to be.

Well, the grief does have 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptence. And you probably can not just simply decide timeline for your vary own stages of grief when you are flowing through time.

Experiencing energy


Today I am reading from the book named “The Untethered Soul” by Michael A. Singer. I learnt about this book by listening to the comedian Russel Brand. In this video Russel actually has a conversation with Michael A. Singer that you may also like.

The chapter I read is called “Experiencing Energy” where Singer explains very clearly what inner energy means and he shows the path for learning more for those. I hope you will enjoy my reading. And I hope to add more content on this topic.

Why you should avoid meat and dairy?

So, it’s true. “One man eating a bat collected from exotic Chinese market caused the Covid virus to rise and propagate which has now cost millions of death across the world. And we are still locked in this pandemic. Yes, one event can wipe the entire humanity if we collectively don’t take actions.” Nothing to blame on China, it could have happened in Philipines or Srilanka or anywhere. Let’s stop or at least reduce eating animals. Aside from Covid, many health issues ranging from heart attack, high blood pressure, diabetes are connected with our meat consumption. There are several diseases well known to both the industry and the general public that are directly related to all the domestic meat species of beef, pork, lamb, and poultry. These include: a) E. coli from ground beef b) BSE (bovine spongiform encephalitis) from beef cattle c) Trichinosis from pork d) Salmonella from poultry e) Scrapie from lamb and muttonYou can read more: https://opentextbc.ca/…/diseases-associated-with-meat/Educate yourself about food and nutrition. I was an avid meat eater almost my entire life, because I did not know the facts and also I did not know about alternatives. I know that it’s not easy to change our habit of eating meat so easy, if you are not willing to give up your meat eating, at least consider organic farm or grass fed sources or other humane place – but do consider transitioning towards less and less consumption of animal products. There’s good plant based alternatives that you can learn in this Vegan documentary.

And also learn about what veganism is about. Veganism is not about eating only, it’s a movement against abuse and realization of the connection between environmental impact of factory farming etc.

#vegan

I used to eat 3 eggs every morning for years. Now I haven’t mostly touched eggs or any dairy products for 3 years. I know how much I used to love eggs and how much everyone likes their breakfast. But here, Dr. Eric will make you sad, but may be it will save many years of your sadness down the road due to high cholesterol consumption if you can consume at least less. If you read the comments you will see or you personally may have evidence like “Oh, my granddad has eaten 5 eggs a day until his death when he was like 95.” Or, “oh my mom is so fit”Yes, you are right. You got good genetics. “I can find 5 smokers who lived till 80 years old” I also am a social smoker, but that does not mean I am gonna advise it for everyone. And also, I should quit smoking if I want to live longer and healthier. Public health advice are general science and evidence based advice to be followed, of course it will vary in the population. When a scientist or a doctor says that there’s a higher risk, try to understand what that means. Higher risk means higher probability. If I drive faster than the speed limit, I have a higher risk of getting into an accident and die -> does not mean that I am gonna die for sure, coz I just drove 90 miles per hour yesterday because I was late in my meeting. When people talk about anti-scientific stuff to justify their understanding or deny the fact, I feel like banging my head on walls sometimes, but I know it’s hard for irrational human mind to understand probability.We try to find examples to justify our behavior. And we do risky, dangerous addictive things like I struggle to stop smoking. But I do understand my chance of dying by speeding with my car is higher than my chance of dying from smoking, my chance of dying from smoking is higher than my chance of getting disease and dying from eating eggs. LoL.Anyway, understanding the risk and taking actions is ultimately necessary and sensible. I know we can’t always do all the right things, that does not mean we should not have the intention to do so. Also just because I promote all the right things, does not also mean that I don’t fail to do the right things either. We gotta do what we gotta do.

The Sound of Metal

I love a good movie. Who doesn’t? I recently watched The Sound Of Metal. A story of a man named Ruben. Ruben and his girlfriend Lou were living in their RV and pursuing their passion for metal music in United States. Then suddenly life brings a big shock for Ruben. Ruben starts to lose his hearing. Doctors tell him that he will have to end being in noisy environment. That leads towards initial denial and bargaining stage of Ruben where he still wants to continue doing what he loves so much. But then when his anger turns into violent behavior, Lou leaves him and pushes him to go to a community of deaf people. Ruben struggles but gradually starts to adapt and make friends. But Ruben still wants his old life back where the love of his life Lou is with him. So, he ultimately violates the condition of his stay in the community and gets cochlear implants to gain back his ability to hear. But then he is told that as the community don’t view disability as handicap – something to be changed or get away from or relieved, he can no longer stay with them. Ruben goes to France to meet Lou and again dreams to start touring as they used to. But from Lou’s expression, he senses her doubt. And then he finally came to acceptance that his life has changed. They both changed when they separated. And Ruben leaves Lou, takes off his implant and accepts silence.

This movie was profound to me as it shows Ruben’s psychological stages of anger, denial, bargain, depression and acceptance. It also does a great job of portraying deaf person’s joyful lives.

I also talked about this movie here.

Biden Wins !

Over! Philly is in. Biden/Harris 2020. What a week, what a year! Probably some drama will continue.First female + Black/Colored/Mixed VP in USA. Happy Friday πŸ™‚πŸ˜‰(Prediction: Biden 306 – 232 Trump)

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Notes (Edits): I am not a complete fan of Biden or Harris. I just view them to be better or more positive force for the good the world needs. Biden/Harris and their neo-liberal policies do not necessarily mean a better future or solution to all problems Americans face and how America influences the world. There’s about 70 million Americans who voted for Trump and I hope a good portion of them can still think for better and change!It should just be a beginning to many problems America and the world face: a) Climate Change b) Criminal Justice c) Education Reform d) HealthCare e) Housing f) Foreign Policy g) Money in politics etc. etc. But let’s just celebrate. May be progress happens in small walks!

#USElection2020#politics

An wedding to remember

Yo, You’d love watching this one πŸ™‚

Gen and Ahmed’s wedding video is out a week ago! I just rewatched couple times 🀭

It was so exhilarating and a powerful moment when Ahmed Elmahdi says to Gen: “You are the end of my dream and the start of my life.”

Amidst so much bad news in this COVID wrecked world, this definitely made me truly full of life and feel loved and hopeful about future.

So happy to be a vital part of the beginning of this new, exciting bonding event at the wedding of Gen Judayna Elmahdi
My voice sounds so exotic.. lol.. when I make them kiss. But I feel so shy to see myself in the background though, the videographer was sneaky lol 🀭🀣

It was a wonderful wedding and one of those events that became a treasure in my memory lanes. Is my career of marriage officiator- starting from here?? LoL πŸ•ΊπŸ˜†πŸ˜…

@Friends, more wedding please!! And don’t forget to invite me. I love a good wedding dance. LoL

And did you notice that message on one of those tables ” Be patient. Be grateful.” @Gen, you are a great planner, thoughtful, deep human being with wide
heart and stay awesome for many you helped, and will help.

wedding #love #family #friends

Roll model

Love to see people with similar background succeed like this. It’s definitely encouraging and Pichai is definitely a roll model.

We human beings love to follow, love to be desired, love to be cared for and also love to care. Evolutionarily it’s drummed into us; human babies are the most vulnerable little things that take years to even navigate surrounding world, but when they do, they have the power to conquer the world, change the surrounding for themselves and for everybody around.

We love to learn, and we learn first from parents, then people around us, then from people we look up to. Good parents and good mentors are the keys. Good roll models are what changed my life and I probably don’t thank or acknowledge many people I met in my life (I think I appear rather pretty arrogant !), and learnt from but I do thank them in my heart and remember every ways I have been helped, and I feel grateful. During my days of distress, I learnt that the one virtue we should all master to keep our heart full is “Gratitude”.. and when people say what did you learn from going to school for many many years and from life.. I simply say “Patience”. But I admit, some days, I am not good at practicing them πŸ˜‚!

For those who don’t know, who Sundar Pichai is (!!), he is the current CEO of Alphabet, for those who don’t know what Alphabet Inc. is, Alphabet is the parent company of the mighty GOOGLE that you probably use at least once a day, don’t you, I will be pretty surprised , if you say no lol πŸ˜‚ (frankly amazed!!, please invite me to the cave you are living in)? So, that’s the kind of influence Pichai has on internet 😒!! Well, keeping the conversation aside on Google being Evil or Good in this politically charged time, let’s focus on individual success of such magnitude.

https://time.com/collection/100-most-influential-people-2020/5888419/sundar-pichai/

success #rollmodel #times

P.U.R.P.O.S.E.

Some words just shine on you and reflect like zillions of lights altogether: “Presumably there is indeed no purpose in the ultimate fate of the cosmos, but do any of us really tie our life’s hopes to the ultimate fate of the cosmos anyway? Of course we don’t; not if we are sane. Our lives are ruled by all sorts of closer, warmer, human ambitions and perceptions. To accuse science of robbing life of the warmth that makes it worth living is so preposterously mistaken, so diametrically opposite..” – Excerpt from The Selfish Gene that Dawkins regret for not renaming as The Immortal Gene or The cooperative Gene.

Whenever you have a shortage of purposefulness and your world become nihilistic, just call your loved ones. The ultimate reality of cosmos can never or should never take away your good feelings.

#science #evolution #cosmos #nihilism #purpose #spiritual

You & I – 6 (Silverlining)

I: I want to talk to you.

You: Why don’t you?

I: Because after all those, I feel scared of feeling in a certain way which drags me down everytime. You know how I can say many harsh things.

You: Yes, you are ruthless.

I: So, I also don’t want to say something irrational again to shock you more.

You: Good that you care.

I: I know that we all have our own problems in our present and adding more to that and feeling stressed are probably we both can not afford.

You: Then why do you complicate things time after time?

I: Deep down, I still have deep emotion for you, and the many trauma I went through and risked myself with were and are pretty self destructive that I feel like I rather keep them in my safe box.  But still I am the one who ends up saying more on my own terms as I am probably always bad at listening.

You: God, I wish you could listen more.

I: Anyway, I miss you everytime anything resonates with me to realize how deeply I loved and cared about you, even though our expressions are very different.    

You: I miss you too.

I: I was watching this movie “The mountain between us” – it’s about these one male and female who get stuck after a plane crush and eventually survive. He was married and she was about to get married the next day after that plane crash. But they get closer while fighting for their survival. Eventually they came out of the situation falling in love with each other, but still when they came back to the real world from the wild, they could not just get together because they each had their past baggage to carry on, but eventually they get together again, because they truly had love for each other.. or may be the movie just wanted to produce a good ending. And may be, in real life, it’s way more tragic.

You: I understand.

I: I truly see my love story, the way we met, the way we conquered many obstacles, the way I blindly trusted you and the way we demised as the greatest tragedy of my life, even if no one cares.

You: May be you don’t need to see everything so negatively.

I: When I talked to my therapist who in a way saved me from wrecking myself, I described my state like a torn down island after a Tsunami, but I recognized that I have to rebuild again and I probably kind of did succeed in that, but definitely I did not feel at that moment that I will regain my courage to continue as I felt so little.   

You: But we need to learn from the past eventually. And I want to have you as a friend again.

I: YEAH! I want to be your friend, I want to be in a place of strength where your thoughts and you no longer hurt me anymore, rather I can take you as one of the best friends who know certain parts of me more than anyone else.

You: I’d love that. I miss talking to you too.

I: I am pretty sure we are both quite different persons than who we were, may be in many ways unrecognizable. How do you truly feel about me when you think about me or us? Do you think you know me?

You: There’s many things that probably also didn’t change though. But I also think I could revert many things and not hurt you.

I: I know that I could not make you feel the way one wants to feel when one is in love and rather our love turned into boring chores and less exciting day by day and eventually it had to experience the death.

You: I agree.

I: May be, I took many things for granted that I shouldn’t have and I have beaten myself for many years to find answers to what else I could have done. I have spent hours after hours feeling sad, and may be I still can not see the way you see and can move on just saying that it’s the past we can learn from, because those hours of clouds and grief and depression will always have a reach at me.

You: But you need to realize that it wasn’t very easy for me either.

I: It’s me who felt betrayed, even if I didn’t necessarily need to feel that way. 

You: What can I say more as I apologized many times for making things worse..?

I: Yeah, I or we just can not change the past. I also wish I could revert many things, I also want to say sorry for saying many things that’s not true, for doing many things that only pushed each other away, even though I also only intended otherwise, only wanted to bond more. We can only learn from the past, but I’m truly afraid whether I will ever be able to bring anyone as close as I brought you inside my heart.

You: I know that.

I: It just breaks my heart when I think about how our love expired. But there’s definitely thousand things I have to be grateful for the experiences we had. And the things I learnt from our relationship. 

You: True.

I: Like now, I’m lying down writing and thinking – We will just stay in two corners of the world knowing that we once loved each other.

You: If you feel like, we can talk about our memories which are valuable to both of us.

I: I even feel like if I could sit in front of you, I just won’t have to say a single word.

You: Yeah.

I: That itself is meaningful. I truly think love is not easy to find and we were lucky to have it when we were young.

You: I feel the same way.

I: I hope I can find love again and I wish the same for you, because love is beautiful and worth living for. Thank you for the beautiful moments of your life that you shared with me. I truly wanted to have it more, but may be it was just not meant to be. 

There’s a way she looks you can’t ignore

I met a girl not so long ago. I still remember the first time she talked to me with full of enthusiasm. And then the few moments I was with her, she curved a deep impression on me.

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If it were only possible to know this mystery

It’s like there’s an entire universe she hid behind her eyes.

She resembles a living figure of some ancient Greek goddess,

Who just woke up and stepped her foot outside of the canvas of a large painting.

Then she talks about love like she truly craves it.

She wants to explore and probably can find you if you ever get lost.

She does not fake how much she knows against all the things she doesn’t,

As she is not scared of the unknowns.

There’s many curtains she doesn’t mind to open

As she waits to see the butterflies on the other side.

She appears vulnerable but brave

And it’s hard to define that mix.

She smiles not so often, but when she does

It’s like an entire box of joy she unearths.

She looks at you like she genuinely wants to know you.

But there’s also a waterfall of complex emotions she carries beneath her gaze.

May be she doesn’t know that she can calm the world with her stream

That starts from that waterfall and ends into a wide river.

And I’m sure that all lovers of her will love to swim in that river.

But there will still remain a bound of how much you can know,

Because there’s no end to the depth behind those eyes, the space where she flies.

Only you will need her to guide you.