I want to talk to you. But I also feel scared of feeling in a certain way which drags me down everytime. I know we all have our own problems in our present and adding more to that is sometimes you can not afford. Deep down I still have deep emotion for you, and the many trauma I went through and risked myself were and are pretty self destructive that I feel like I rather keep them in my safe box. But still I am the one who end up saying more on my own terms as I am probably always bad at listening. But I miss you everytime anything resonates with me to realize how deeply I loved and cared about you, even though our expressions are very different. I was watching this movie “The mountain between us” – it’s about these one male and female who get stuck after a plane crush and eventually survive, they were both married when they got into that accident, but they came out of the situation falling in love with each other, but still when they came back to the real world from the wild, they could not just get together because they each had their past baggage to carry on, but eventually they get together again, because they truly had love for each other.. or may be the movie just wanted to produce a good ending. And may be, in real life, it’s way more tragic. As I truly see my love story, the way we met, the way we conquered many obstacles, the way I blindly trusted you and the way we demised as the greatest tragedy of my life, even if no one cares. When I talked to my therapist who in a way saved me from wrecking myself, I described my state like a torn down island after a Tsunami, but I recognized that I have to rebuild again and I probably kind of did succeed in that, but definitely I did not feel at that moment that I will regain my courage to continue as I felt so little.
I want to be your friend, I want to be in a place of strength where your thoughts and you no longer hurt me anymore, rather I can take you as one of the best friends who know certain parts of me more than anyone else. I am pretty sure we are both quite different person than who we were, may be in many ways unrecognizable. How do you truly feel about me when you think about me or us? Do you think you know me? But I know that I could not make you feel the way one wants to feel when one is in love and rather our love turned into boring chores and less exciting day by day and eventually it had to experience the death. And may be I took many things for granted that I shouldn’t have and I have beaten myself for many years to find answers to what else I could have done. I have spent hours after hours feeling sad, and may be I still can not see the way you see and can move on just saying that it’s the past we can learn from, because those hours of clouds and grief and depression will always have a reach at me. It’s me who felt betrayed, even if I didn’t necessarily need to feel that way. But yeah, I or we just can not change the past. I also wish I could revert many things, I also want to say sorry for saying many things that’s not true, for doing many things that only pushed each other away, even though I also only intended otherwise, only wanted to bond more.
True, We can only learn from the past, but I’m truly afraid whether I will ever be able to bring anyone as close as I brought you inside my heart. It just breaks my heart when I think about how our love expired. But there’s definitely thousand things I have to be grateful for the experiences we had. And the things I learnt from our relationship. Like now, I’m lying down writing and thinking – We will just stay in two corners of the world knowing that we once loved each other. I know we can talk about some memories which are valuable to both of us. I even feel like if I could sit in front of you, I just won’t have to say a single word. That itself is meaningful. I truly think love is not easy to find and I was lucky to have it when I was young. I hope I can find love again and I wish the same for you, because love is beautiful and worth living for. Thank you for the beautiful moments of your life that you shared with me. I truly wanted to have it more, but may be it was just not meant to be.
Well, the grief does have 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptence. And you probably can not just simply decide timeline for your vary own stages of grief when you are flowing through time.